Childrens Dad has me blocked, how to proceed?

[Ragdoll545]

Hi
Looking for some advice please. I am divorced and have a solicitors agreement with my childrens Dad which we follow more or less. Dad is verbally and emotionally abusive, has been for years. Every week or two he kicks off, tries to make changes to the agreement which I dont usually allow because he usually does it very last minute, or we have plans etc, or he is just trying to do it to bully or intimidate me. None of his communication is child focussed, its always heavy with accusations, name calling, blame games, all the usual stuff. Last week he kicked off big time and told me he will no longer communicate with me and I have to communicate through his gf. His gf reached out and I very politely told her I will only communicate with the childrens Dad. I've messaged him, no response. I suspect I'm blocked. I need to contact him to request a change to the timings of his weekend contact with the children to accomodate a new regular activity. We also have ad hoc arrangements through the holidays and I'll need to arrange something for Easter holidays soon. What do I actually do given that I am blocked? I have no way of contacting him to ask him to consider a change of times or when he wants them during Easter. Any advice on how to proceed?
Thanks

It’s already very tense, you don’t like him changing the arrangements so why add more complication by making a big change to existing plans by adding a new activity? Best thing is for neither of you to change the arrangement unless one of you has an emergency. You don’t have to speak to his gf but you’re being very unreasonable to decide the plan is changing because you want it to and he has to go along with it.

But isn't him saying he won't communiate with me, and blocking me, showing that he is unwilling to co-parent?
I am genuinely very appreciative of every single reply I'm just trying to get advice and navigate this all in the best way.

Thanks, this isn't what I'm doing but appreciate the way I've worded it. But I do appreciate this response, thank you!

“I’m not sure a father directly messaging his own children is anything to do with your boundaries, if they have phones it not unreasonable for one of their parents to contact them that way..”

I disagree. it absolutely is crossing a boundary if it’s changing plans. Kids hate when they are being put in the middle of the arrangements, it creates a tension for them and it’s really poor co-parenting on his part. No child enjoys being stuck in the middle.

OP you can only do what you can. If he refuses to pick up you contact then it’s on him. I would not be going through a gf either. Use email and text so you can document his avoidance. It won’t last forever I suspect as he sounds very dramatic, he’ll be back with you unblocked.

I don’t think you deciding they now do an activity which is actually on his time -that you agreed- is an ok thing to do. Regardless of him being childish with communication

Thank you!

Appreciate this, thank you!

family court for child arrangements is true unadulterated hell. If you can avoid this by messaging his gf instead of him I would do this - this in itself would be child centred as you are going above and beyond to ensure their relationship with their dad can be facilitated. I don’t doubt he’s a fucking nightmare but believe me if this goes to court it will be fresh enduring hell. And I’m not sure you will get the outcome you may be seeking

Surely you email him & send a letter saying the DC would like to do this activity, are you prepared to facilitate them going.

Leave the ball in his court whether he is going to say no to the DC doing it.

If he can’t or won’t take them in his time and isn’t prepared to swap days or similar then you tell the DC that’s the case.

Honestly, if he’s abusive, enjoy being blocked. If his gf is daft enough to be go-between that sounds much better than you contacting him directly. Don’t invite trouble!

He's being difficult about things and if that was to end up in court the judge wouldn't approve. However, if it turned out that you then just shrugged and said, "If he doesn't communicate with me directly I won't be communicating!" despite actually having multiple options, any family court judge will say that the both of you are high-conflict and need your heads knocking together (metaphorically).

If you've shown a willingness to co-operate with his preferences- even if they aren't yours and/or you find them unreasonable- then it will be clear that one of you has the children's best wishes at heart.

Bear in mind though that courts also take a very dim view of parents booking activities on the other parents' time- it's intrusive and disrespectful. Don't do that in future.

And if it did end up in court most of this would only be relevant for the 9 yo- 12 yo would just be asked what he wants.

100% agree

Very very helpful replies thanks all!!! Genuinely very appreciated!

Dhs CAO actually states for contact to be via email / me only. Because she was so abusive and used dc as a weapon. Luckily dh had all the evidence and printed texts from her . Judge said conract via me and she got her back up. The judge told her it's that or dh will get residency . Been in place for 7 years now and funnily enough she doesn't get away with it with me