Childrens Dad has me blocked, how to proceed?

[Ragdoll545]

Hi
Looking for some advice please. I am divorced and have a solicitors agreement with my childrens Dad which we follow more or less. Dad is verbally and emotionally abusive, has been for years. Every week or two he kicks off, tries to make changes to the agreement which I dont usually allow because he usually does it very last minute, or we have plans etc, or he is just trying to do it to bully or intimidate me. None of his communication is child focussed, its always heavy with accusations, name calling, blame games, all the usual stuff. Last week he kicked off big time and told me he will no longer communicate with me and I have to communicate through his gf. His gf reached out and I very politely told her I will only communicate with the childrens Dad. I've messaged him, no response. I suspect I'm blocked. I need to contact him to request a change to the timings of his weekend contact with the children to accomodate a new regular activity. We also have ad hoc arrangements through the holidays and I'll need to arrange something for Easter holidays soon. What do I actually do given that I am blocked? I have no way of contacting him to ask him to consider a change of times or when he wants them during Easter. Any advice on how to proceed?
Thanks

If the girlfriend is willing to be a go-between then that sounds like a better option that having to deal directly with an angry and abusive man..

Take the children to the activities and when he says where are they, say well im blockerd. Message the details now and if it doesn't deliver then tough shit.

How old are the DC?

Your option is talking to the gf. It sounds like she'll probably be more reasonable than him anyway.

Emails.

I'd talk to the GF

Everything I read suggested not to go through the girlfriend. If it ever went to court for a CAO it's better for me to refuse that line of communication? I was thinking of texting dad and if there's no response after a few days email him and copy in the girlfriend for the children's activities. However for future arrangements or whatever I would just text him and then if he doesn't reply just move on with my life!

They are 12 and 9. It would involve me getting them earlier on one of his days and him getting them earlier on one of his days to make up his time so just taking them doesn't really seem to be an option.

He also messages the children directly to try to bypass me and my boundaries, hes done that again today!

I’m not sure a father directly messaging his own children is anything to do with your boundaries, if they have phones it not unreasonable for one of their parents to contact them that way..

I would emsil and suggest using one of the coparenting apps that family courts suggest.

Write a letter if all electronic forms of contact fail. Send recorded delivery so you can prove it was received and keep a copy yourself. Allow a good week even for first class letters.

Why can't you follow the court order? If you want to deviate you need to go back to court if he's not amenable. Use a parenting app or yes just arrange with the gf no need to make it harder on yourself. Hey Tracey, the kids wanted to do judo it's on Friday from 5-7 so you'll need to collect them from the high street rather than my house. If you are encroaching on his contact time that's not fa and you need to give it back. So. Would add, why not have them for tea on Tuesday to get that time back. Swimming finishes at 6, have them back for 9 pm

^this

You are going to have to tell your children that you can't make changes to times.

Just get the 12yo to text him

I would take the path of least resistance and communicate via the girlfriend. Not sure why you're making things harder for yourself by refusing.

I would just go through the girlfriend. Yes it's not ideal but it's the avenue of communication open to you at least until you can get something else sorted (maybe by going through mediation to agree email contact only or a co parenting app). That or you'll have to accept you'll just have to stick to the current agreement and change your plans to suit it. Definitely do not go through the children to communicate with your ex, this is adult business and they should be kept out of it by you even if Dad keeps trying to involve them.

family court would not mind you going through the Gf. You need to be pragmatic so just do that. He obviously can’t regulate his emotions so if she can do it that’s a bonus

don’t use the kids as a go between yourself but you can’t stop him doing this. The court wouod not be impressed with him doing this but in reality it wouldn't make any difference to anything.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Just communicate via the gf. You've said he's abusive. My parents split when I was 8. I never felt a go between. saying 'text your dad and let him know youve got football', is fine. I see no issue in this.

Just go through the GF.

Less stress for everyone.

I appreciate all of these replies thank you. There is no official court order, just an agreement made through solicitors so actually nothing properly formal. We tried a parenting app he said no. I specifically keep the children out of everything in terms of making plans as these are adult decisions however, he involves the children by trying to override my boundaries. He is of course within his rights to message the children but he cannot try to make arrangements through them when I have already said no (to something on my time, for example.)

I don't think this is the solution, this is involving the children in adult decisions which I thought was frowned upon?

Get a formal agreement in place asap and stick to it. Don’t commit to any activity in his time. Communicate only through an app but only very minimally.

The thing is, you’re the one who wants to change the arrangements which will impact him. So unless you are willing to communicate through a 3rd party, it just won’t happen. Maybe you’re overriding HIS boundaries here. He does not want to communicate directly with you but you’re insisting on it.
If you want to avoid him dealing with his DS directly, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and communicate via his GF.

You're overcomplicating this. Texting his Dad about an activity isn't being involved in an adult decision. If Dad says no then unfortunately that's his prerogative. If it ever went back to court, at 12 he would absolutely be involved and his wishes would come first and foremost.

Going via the girlfriend is also a reasonable compromise and I don't know why you think the court would care about that?

The other option is just saying that you can't contact him and therefore you are going to stop co-parenting entirely and that certainly won't look good.