Hi, I’m posting because I just want some insight and maybe other people’s experiences. It’s a long post so please stay and read as I could really do with knowing there’s others out there.
i have 2 children with my ex partner, throughout the relationship there was sexual abuse (been reported) and emotional abuse/coercion & control. It was very subtle and to a point where I half still defend it as that’s how much control he has over my brain. Everything I tell people they said it’s all manipulation/abuse/control but I never realised.
I went to a solicitor when he didn’t answer my messages in regards to the children (we used to talk and send photos to keep each other updated with them as we both didn’t want to miss out) so he was doing it as a way of punishment as I didn’t agree with him on something and we also agreed to do 50/50. I made mistakes and used to leave the house a lot and do silly things such as take drugs/drink alcohol, this happened after a sexual assault and he had convinced me it hadn’t happened the way it had and I had spiralled (this was all happening after we had broken up but still living together) I asked him on plenty of occasions to leave the house as he wasn’t on the tenancy however for months & months he refused to do so, which sent me more of a spiral as I made it very clear that his control/abuse was causing me to spiral and trying to get him to leave wasn’t working.
before anyone asks I never called the police as he would always say ‘I won’t be able to see my kids, they won’t be able to see their dad’ and it would pull at my heartstrings and make me feel bad. There’s a lot more to it than just the above but we’re currently going through court for a child’s arrangements order & a prohibited steps order.
he has made a few lies already and half truths to make him look better, he brought up the drugs/alcohol (even tho he was a prolific drinker and practically a alcoholic), my mental health and also he said that he thinks I was unfaithful the whole time (which isn’t true). I offered to do the drugs test as I haven’t touched drugs since I left the house and moved out (which he took over MY tenancy and kept everything in the house that I had in there as he ‘needed it for the kids’). The cafcass worker who is doing the assessment has come out to us and seen us at the home, she was happy with how the kids were doing and had a chat with me and we filled out a coercion and control test type thing. She said ‘we’re not going down that path’ in regards to th drugs test as she can see I’m happy, healthy and completely sober and have been since I moved out. She mentioned at the end that his abuse is worrying for the kids as he’s been telling me that he’s going to tell them ‘what their mum is really like’ and basically making comments he’s going to say things to them as they grow. He’s tried convincing me to do things with the kids as a family and that I’m delusional because I explained I don’t want to confuse them on our family dynamic, one of my children is potentially autistic and I don’t want to upset him as it took a while to get him used to the separate relationship.
there’s an element of financial abuse as he convinced me to put the kids on his UC even though I said no and asked for a child each seen as it’ll be 50/50, he told me the kids would go without and he wouldn’t be able to afford the house and so therefore the kids wouldn’t see him.
everything is seeming positive and cafcass have said to me the other day that me having full custody and him seeing them every other weekend plus the other 2 weeks of the month he sees them 2 nights in the week. She’s mentioned this to me as she said she thinks us having 2 weekends with them would be good so we’re not missing out with them being in nursery/school… if that makes sense to you guys?
any advice or does everything seem to be going well? I’d appreciate any stories or experiences you’ve had. I was super worried but everything seems to be going well. I have a support system, I have a rape crisis worker as well as a domestic violence worker as well as a IVSA worker for the whole court process.