Husband cut contact with me

[Confusedlotcom]

My husband has a habit of walking out of any conflict without wanting to hear me, over the years this has become very triggering for me. He promised to change many times. And there have been some improvements but it seems like he has avoidant style of conflict handling but not avoidant in other aspects.
For a long time, after a conflict, he would stop contact for days, weeks, at times hint at separating calling our marriage bad, other times he would be very affectionate, supportive, caring, helpful at home or in other matters, he would tell me how lucky to have me in his life, can’t picture his life without me, etc. We both have childhood trauma and dysfunctional families so very little support.
He is in a high skilled, high income job. Over the years this instability has caused me a lot of anxiety and depression, we have also changed country for his job soon after lockdown in a country which is very difficult to make friends and create social life, partly because of the language issues. I am in mid 40s.
Recently over a minor issue, he got very upset ( he gets irritated easily and then gets quiet and a bit sulky) and when I tried to explain how depressed I am, he got further upset and said he wouldn’t want to continue our marriage. He said he would help me financially. He is generous with money. I have not been working for last few years and don’t have kids. Reason I am not working, I have had caring responsibilities towards my family and also for a while I had to support his family through medical emergency, so I tried to do a small business to allow flexibility but it has not gone very well and my mental health is very poor for last few years.

He locked himself in the second room for most part of the day for almost 2 weeks. I tried to talk to him a few times but it didn’t go anywhere. It was very stressful so I packed my bags and left ( to my home country to sort my head). Now it has been over 2 months, we barely had any contact. I messaged him many times - in this period spoke 2 times on phone - last time he told me he has 80% made up his mind about separating but we will talk again. But he was annoyed with me on the call and since then we haven’t spoken. It has been over 2 weeks. He has gone to his family for Xmas, the family with whom he was not in contact for a year and was upset that his own mother didn’t text him once in that year.

But it seems like they are all together enjoying holidays while I am so worried about future and depressed. Usually I get a message from his family during holidays but this time I didn’t. So most likely he has told them about us. Though before he said they didn’t deserve to know.

I sent him a message again asking if we can talk when he is back but he hasn’t responded. I have started to feel I need to accept that he has checked out. So I want to understand what I should be doing. Should I contact a lawyer. How much is the fees usually?

@Confusedlotcom ignore the horrible posters saying you married for money, you are a gold digger etc.
I had the following thoughts after reading your posts:
I think it’s very common for high performing men in high paying, high pressure job to have had an emotionally dysfunctional childhood. I have seen a lot of this in my 20+ year marriage to my DH who is in a similar professional capacity.
A lot of these men seek the parental approval that they never got from their bosses and professional life. It’s the wives who often pay the price.
I have also been living away from the Uk for a lot of my marriage and see how hard this can be in a marriage - to live in this expat world, with the men working long hours, high pressure environment and often they are workaholic’s. The additional pressure depletes their already pretty inadequate emotional intelligence/abilities.
So you could get divorced. That’s definitely and option for you. But don’t tell him yet. He won’t react well to finding this out. If you have hopes of reconciliation.
I would suggest that you start seeing a good therapist. One who is neutral about your marriage. You mention you are seeing someone. I hope they are good and helpful for you.
Ask your DH if he would be willing to do therapy with you. And maybe alone too. To help improve your communication and also for him to work on his emotional response. My DH would get so emotionally overwhelmed that he had to get away incase he erupted - he felt out of control. It’s an explanation. Not an excuse.
You will need a really good marriage therapist. One who will help you both to calm your nervous systems and learn how to communicate. Lots of therapists work online now via zoom. It’s very effective.
Unfortunately research shows that ppl married multiple times don’t get better at marriage. They keep making the same errors. So he needs to decide it he wants to work with you or he wants to be alone again.
Lastly please done at least 1 nice thing for yourself every day. It really helps. Focus on yourself and it can be helpful for wrote down your boundaries. For me at a painful part of my life I wrote mine down and it helped. I wrote - I would not speak to DH before 9am or after 6pm. Rudeness meant calls would end. I wrote a few other things. It helped me.
I hope that 2026 is better for you.

I apologize for the misunderstanding. My post was indeed about the sunk cost fallacy and the uselessness of continuing to hope to get to clarity or back into the marriage once it is over.

Take a deep breath and stop attacking everyone hete who took the time to read and advise you. If you have been victimized here—and I think you have—it is by your soon to be ex husband. He is treating you just as he did all past wives. But it doesn’t really matter: the marriage is over. Of course you should see a solicitor and see how to leave safely and with your share of the marital assets. No one thinks that is improper except of course your ex husband but who cares what he thinks. Marriage carries rights. Divorce apportions them. Protect yourself.

I don’t think I am attacking anyone. I didn’t like the posts suggesting I am talking about money etc.
I am grateful to those who have been sympathetic and helpful but not afraid to call out those who are telling me I didn’t work because I used him as a bank and my depression caused him to pull away. Because that’s not what happened. Me quitting my job and getting depression happened much later, he used to get upset and punish over minor disagreements. But just to be fair to him he is kind in other ways which is not worth mentioning here. Because some posters here are very black or white.

Thank you so much for your advice. You have understood my situation very well. He is not a workaholic and enjoyed work life balance but lately he started saying work is the only thing stable in his life, he is right about that. He is well respected and sought after in his field and that has made him overconfident and impatient. Yes I am think of going back and continue my planning from there, rather than from a hotel in my birth country where I have no one else than a very demanding mother.

Do you mind if I dm you?

No one thinks that is improper except of course your ex husband but who cares what he thinks.

Some posters here have said I am using him as a bank. And so far he has agreed to help me financially in the future so not sure why you say he thinks it is improper.

I have been happily married to a high earner for 30 years and I have never been “punished” over small matters or large ones. I don’t think posters are “black and white” thinkers when they suspect that there is more abuse in your marriage than you are willing to acknowledge. You yourself blamed your DH explicitly for much that has gone wrong. In fact you became angry at those—like myself—who felt like blame was not the issue.

You of course gave only a snapshot of what has gone on. But like an iceberg sticking out of the water the rough shape and composition of the whole can be gleaned from the top side. This is not a healthy marriage—that is not what you have described. It may have had its moments. You may have loved him and felt like some of the things he did/saud were loving. But overall you have described something unpleasant and fragile. Again: you lamed him in detail for many things.

on that basis people are focusing on how to help you successfully exit rather than patting your hand and offering false reassurance that things could improve.

High earners and punishing wives are not interlinked. So, not sure why you mentioned your husband being a high earner.

In fact you became angry at those—like myself—who felt like blame was not the issue. - I was not angry but frustrated that posters are ignoring what I wrote and suggesting what is not true.

I found you to be overconfident and gaslighting - You say no one but only he thinks improper about helping me financially when some posters mentioned money being my focus. Just because he can't emotionally regulate and gets annoyed fast, and any explanation from my side causes him to walk away, and if in that scenario I complain, he does not speak for days (which to me comes as punishment, while he says it takes him time to feel normal), does not mean he is unhelpful in financial matters. - That's what i meant by black and white thinking.

Also, if you are really happily married to such a catch for 30 years, spend some time with him, rather than arguing with someone already distressed and alone.

Here are some of the posters who I dont find helpful, even though you say i should appreciate that they took time to read and advise.

I am grateful to other posters.

PollyBell · Yesterday 04:54
You need a job he is not a bank you need to be responsible for you

Hoppinggreen · Yesterday 15:03
You talk about money a lot but not love.
Do you want him back? Do you love him?
Or do you want him to financially support you?
If he HAS left you he is under no obligation to send you money so you need to find another way to live.

Dressered · 30/12/2025 23:25
He finds it hard to live with someone who is permanently depressed. By your own admission you don’t work because you have been caring for your own family. That is where your loyalty clearly lies. (my loyalties are clear from a post)

I see lots of posts from women feeling unable to support husbands with depression. He may well feel overwhelmed by your financial dependence on him ( you choose not to work)

rwalker · Yesterday 06:19

This is abisive, manipulative & controlling unacceptable behaviour

I wouldn’t consider myself abusive but won’t engage with conflict or kicking off
but another point is just how much conflict is there in OP’s house .if there’s constant conflict and kick offs he’s had enough

You DO talk about money a lot, I stand by that comment its a statement of fact
I never called you a Gold Digger or anything else, sounds like I touchd a nerve though
Your H may well be an arsehole but if you divorce other than what is legally given to you by a Judge he does not have to support you so you may need to find an alternative source of income. Also a fact

I DON'T need your facts.

Writing in CAPS does not make it anything a fact. I have only talked about money where the topic is raised and once to indicate that despite all he is ready to help me financially.

You earlier said I talked a lot about money and went on asking if I love him or want him to financially support me. Is that not a golddigger behaviour?

Now saying that you have touched a nerve. Ok, whatever makes you better.

Also, I never said I don't plan to work.

He suggested that I don't have to work for money as 'we don't need my income' so I do business. It made sense to me, also to keep flexibility as I had a couple of years gap due to caring responsibilities and also because on both sides we have aging parents, and due to gap I was finding hard to find similar role. So stared business, then 2 years later, we moved to another country and then 4 years later now had plan to move to another.
So yes, I made a mistake putting my career on the back burner because of dealing with multiple things at once.

I loathe that there are people who use the anonymity of internet forums to prey on those already distressed and alone.

How does it impact you if I value money or not to write such horrible posts to me?

@Hoppinggreen I just counted that I wrote 14 posts before you said I talk a lot about money- in my op, I mentioned in a small paragraph about him being willing to help me financially as I don't work. And then in another post, I replied to a poster asking me to take his money and find someone else that I would use money for healing and then find work.

So 2 out of 14 posts where the word money was used, and you claim I DO talk about money a lot.

What is your financial situation - I mean yours, not what your husband might provide. You may think he will support you, but this is unlikely once the marriage has irretrievably broken down, and especially once you file for divorce.

Do you have a clear idea of his assets and where these are located?

Where are you actually domiciled? It may not be automatic that you can file in the UK if you are officially resident abroad. You need to consult with a family solicitor who is experienced in dealing with expat divorces.

Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies are good resources to educate yourself about the divorce process in the UK, as are some family solicitor websites.

Bottom line: you need to sort out your mental health issues and take control of your divorce so that you don’t end up being blindsided and taken advantage of by him.

Yes, and I stand by it
You sound very very angry - at the wrong person.
I think given this and your MH issues you may find some professional Counselling helpful to come to terms with the fact that your H seems to have left you, he doesn't sound very nice so it may not be a great loss

I am in another European country. You’re right I need to discuss with a solicitor dealing with couples abroad. Will check wikivorce. Thank you so much.

Best of luck OP. You are going to need it.

You never stop with your passive aggression.

There is a reason why Reddit is full of posts about mumsnet posters being mean to posters coming for support in distress.

I have no choice but to delete this thread, though I wanted to keep it for the helpful posts.

Most posters have been helpful. There are a few who were unkind perhaps accidentally but two clear bullies - @pikkumyy77 @Hoppinggreen

I created this thread under legal matters because I needed practical advise. These two posters have answered the question in my op or asked anything further but keep dishing out their judgements about me.

They both made reference to me being interested in his money and then started blaming that I am attacking them.

Also telling me I was angry when they didn’t put blame on my husband, at the same time telling me I am not seeing the harm his behaviour is causing me. They would ignore the facts I point out in my reply challenging their accusations but will insist on their generic statements.

These are the posters who can’t admit they misread or misunderstood, and will continue to pile on just to satisfy own ego. Shameful.

I said multiple times I am all alone in a hotel, my mother is abusive and I have no other support, so I am very stressed and feel lonely. These unkind posters use imagination to create narratives about OP’s intentions but cannot imagine that someone very distressed with no real world support can very easy go a very dark route and take own life and that thought came to my mind, though I have no intention of doing it.

You are in no position to advise if you have such little self control to stop yourself from causing stress to already stressed. I will seek therapy and legal advise in real life. Hope you also seek therapy for your insecurities that you have to act so unkind to those already down.

The reasons for him being abusive to you are not excuses for his behaviour. It doesn't matter why. He is emotionally abusing you.

Most abusive people have a reason, a trigger, something they saw or experienced. It is no excuse.

I've read a few people saying they give the silent treatment themselves, saying it's because of x or y. The silent treatment is abuse and they need to take responsibility for their own reactions.

@Confusedlotcom I'm praying for beautiful abundance in your life! All these troubles will soon pass. Keep your chin up. Focus on being organised and getting stuff done even if it's the little things. I don't have any advice for you other than that! Wishing you the very best.

If you think my comments were bullying then I don't think the internet is the place for you.
I am genuinely sorry if you found my advice to financially support yourself and seek some counselling for your MH issues upsetting.