Husband cut contact with me

[Confusedlotcom]

My husband has a habit of walking out of any conflict without wanting to hear me, over the years this has become very triggering for me. He promised to change many times. And there have been some improvements but it seems like he has avoidant style of conflict handling but not avoidant in other aspects.
For a long time, after a conflict, he would stop contact for days, weeks, at times hint at separating calling our marriage bad, other times he would be very affectionate, supportive, caring, helpful at home or in other matters, he would tell me how lucky to have me in his life, can’t picture his life without me, etc. We both have childhood trauma and dysfunctional families so very little support.
He is in a high skilled, high income job. Over the years this instability has caused me a lot of anxiety and depression, we have also changed country for his job soon after lockdown in a country which is very difficult to make friends and create social life, partly because of the language issues. I am in mid 40s.
Recently over a minor issue, he got very upset ( he gets irritated easily and then gets quiet and a bit sulky) and when I tried to explain how depressed I am, he got further upset and said he wouldn’t want to continue our marriage. He said he would help me financially. He is generous with money. I have not been working for last few years and don’t have kids. Reason I am not working, I have had caring responsibilities towards my family and also for a while I had to support his family through medical emergency, so I tried to do a small business to allow flexibility but it has not gone very well and my mental health is very poor for last few years.

He locked himself in the second room for most part of the day for almost 2 weeks. I tried to talk to him a few times but it didn’t go anywhere. It was very stressful so I packed my bags and left ( to my home country to sort my head). Now it has been over 2 months, we barely had any contact. I messaged him many times - in this period spoke 2 times on phone - last time he told me he has 80% made up his mind about separating but we will talk again. But he was annoyed with me on the call and since then we haven’t spoken. It has been over 2 weeks. He has gone to his family for Xmas, the family with whom he was not in contact for a year and was upset that his own mother didn’t text him once in that year.

But it seems like they are all together enjoying holidays while I am so worried about future and depressed. Usually I get a message from his family during holidays but this time I didn’t. So most likely he has told them about us. Though before he said they didn’t deserve to know.

I sent him a message again asking if we can talk when he is back but he hasn’t responded. I have started to feel I need to accept that he has checked out. So I want to understand what I should be doing. Should I contact a lawyer. How much is the fees usually?

Spend some time thinking about you , What do you want from life , where to live , how you will achieve this ?
I think you need to realise life is about you now , not him and you .
He has made it obvious you are no longer a couple . You need to make your own life now .

India. You are right thankfully there are no kids. But honestly I feel so alone and lonely that for my selfish sake I wish had kids though growing up in chaos I know how bad it is for kids. I have no one I can call family in this whole world, and growing up it was instil in me by my culture family is everything. I am here in India and see myself so alone while people looking happy with their loved ones, I feel so jealous.

In his mind and yours he is more important , your feelings are not given much consideration.

You are so right about that. He came to me apologising and saying he regrets his behaviour and he would understand if I don’t want him back in my life after weeks of not talking and living like strangers in the same place some time back. I took him back and so many other times too, but this time he won’t even listen to me when I said we could try properly ( gave him a list of changes I would incorporate and also working with him with a couple therapist) says he knows he is mostly responsible but then has so much anger towards me in his tone, expression.

There is no much conflict in what he says and does, and I believed what he said because I never learnt to be important for myself.

I was never important to anyone - even my parents, grandparents, so in a way it’s not new but no one left me like this.

OP I think you need to have a discussion with him about the ending or repairing of your marriage. This could be a video call. I am a Domestic Abuse worker and hear the perpetrator's difficult childhood issues used as an explanation for coercive controlling behaviour all the time. Remember he chooses to perpetrate this behaviour to you...you don't deserve this.

He was never a good partner for your life OP.
It seems you were well able to empathise with his early life traumas but not he with yours.
He doesn’t sound capable of considering you equally in your marriage. He will always be dippig in and out of the marriage relationship at his whim and only on his own terms which is far too devastating for you to tolerate. He is egocentric in his work world and probably ruthless too when blaming others. That’s who he is.

You don’t have to suffer at his hands any more. Good for you for walking away to clear your head. He’s not used to that at all and has reacted selfishly to punish you. Start to believe it’s over. He won’t change his ways now.

Take legal advice but also take your time….for therapy and nice things for yourself once you learn to put yourself first. Find a good community to live in with like minded people. Things will fall into place gradually.

Good luck OP.
It’s hard to start again from scratch when you have been messed around so much in a toxic marriage. But you have made a good decision to leave him as he’s not willing to pay attention to you or even acknowledge your existence at times.

Op I said this the other day in another post but your op with all of the wording and due to both of your childhood trauma means it’s difficult to know what it’s like- you say sometimes he’s a certain way other times he tries to make it up to you, but it’s worded as all being a negative pattern. As humans surely that’s what we all do? And locking himself in a room sounds like you mean he retreats into eg work? Either way you both don’t sound great for each other, and if he didn’t support you while depressed it’s over anyway (I’m so sorry).You need to start looking at all the positives and giving yourself meaning for the new year. Use the business skills to try to make your business work or get a job that uses them. Enjoy being back. Think about fresh air, exercise hobbies. Start trying to enjoy it all or talk to a gp. You’ve made him your life and you don’t need a man to have a good one. He may be having a good Christmas or he may not but you can’t wait for him, it’s not good for you

Sorry you are going through this. I have experienced a much smaller version of that rollercoaster, a partner running away and not answering messages when there was any difficulty between us, repeatedly changing between very loving and then threatening to end the relationship. It also made me depressed and anxious. It’s hard for anyone outside to imagine how destructive it is.

The first question is how much money you can gather immediately. You are married so can take from joint account if you have access. You’d probably be justified to take up to half of marital assets. You’ll need this money to set yourself up wherever you decide to start your new life.

Do you have any friends, family, even acquaintances that you can ask for help? Also make use of women’s aid for help finding a place to live. Go to the church / mosque / temple and ask for help — they often have connections to local charities.

You will need income asap. When you know where you want to be, go looking for any paid work. Be persistent. And get to citizens advice to see what benefits you can get in the meantime, though that may be difficult if you’ve lived abroad a lot.

Do you know where he is at the moment?

Can you go and see him? In my mind it is important because if he cuts you off financially that could be disastrous for you

Do you think he has another woman because he is certainly acting like he does

His behaviour is horrendous and abusive towards you.

You however are also behaving in very strange ways given the context. You know what he is like yet agreed to move away to a country where you will be isolated. You are vulnerable, extremely vulnerable, but have no paid employment. You are from a very dysfunctional family and yet are caring for family members on both sides without in any way having the capacity to care for yourself. Your relationship template seems to be unhealthy, enmeshed and codependent which you are playing a part in. You need to leave your relationship and get a lot of therapy to reset your relationship patterns.

You are right I am acting like codependent and enmeshed. I grew up in a family of chaos so I don’t understand boundaries and have learnt to forgive a lot, maybe out of fear of being alone but I don’t receive much forgiveness. I was also isolated in my own country because I grew up in a cult like controlling home. I only experienced some freedom and exposure to outside world when I started working. I have taken therapy and my husband is also taking his own therapy. Up to a few months ago, he said even his therapist told him he needs to change his ways or he will lose me. But now he has decided it’s not worth it.

When he is nice, he is so nice, kind and caring. But then when he is upset, he gets cold. Knowing him closely, it’s hard for me to picture him as an abuser, because underneath it all he is not a bad person. We both felt responsible for our mothers from childhood, and our mothers making sure we knew every thing bad happen to them from childhood has made us enmeshed with own families with guilt and anger playing underneath. Indian families are enmeshed generally but it still works because parents care but not in our case.

He is at his mother’s home with his sister’s family visiting. There is no other woman.

Do you have any friends, family, even acquaintances that you can ask for help? Also make use of women’s aid for help finding a place to live.

No I don’t have that. At least not the kind I can rely on. He had agreed to help me financially. And for last 2 months, he has transferred money when I needed. He has agreed to help me for first 5 years with a generous amount per annum.

You talk about money a lot but not love.
Do you want him back? Do you love him?
Or do you want him to financially support you?
No judgement but if he HAS left you he is under no obligation to send you money so you need to find another way to live. If you have joint assets in The UK and are legally married here you may have some rights to them, speak to a Solicitor

It does sound like you guys make each other miserable which is probably draining on both of you. Reduced or low contact would probably be healthier for all concerned during your divorce. Contact should only be as absolutely needed. Once divorced even if there is a maintenance arrangement you should keep contact to a minimum. He has agreed to a payment arrangement for a reasonable time to help get you on your feet which sounds good but for him does he mean only that and no equity from your home/ division of assets/ savings etc? Even so once the payment arrangement is set up what else is needed? Healthier for both of you to move on.

@Confusedlotcom the rules for divorcing in the UK have changed.

What are the grounds for divorce in the UK today?

Under the current divorce law in England and Wales, there is only one legal ground for divorce: the marriage in question needs to have irretrievably broken down.

When it comes to the grounds for divorce in the UK, the up-to-date legal answer is now straightforward.

You do not need to rely on behaviour, adultery, or periods of separation.

Instead, you (or both of you) simply need to confirm that the marriage has broken down beyond repair.

It's hardly surprising that you are barely able to think straight when he is using you as an emotional punchbag and you have deep-seated issues of your own @Confusedlotcom.

It is very concerning that you seem to have a zero support network, at all, to whom you could turn.

Please note that domestic abuse is not just physical it also encompasses emotional and economic abuse.

There is a huge amount of support available though @Confusedlotcom;

here, here, here and finally there is also a board on MN that may help.

Good luck lovely 🌺

I talked about money each time a poster made a comment around it. If I was interested in his money, I would have left and made a claim to whatever I could get. I only said he is generous because I don’t want to make him look like financially controlling or completely uncaring about me.

And to your other questions? Yes, but in last 2 months I wrote several email and texts, asking to talk. While he has not responded to any of my emails and only responded to my request for call after a lot of pleading.

I am legally married to him, that’s why calling him husband.

If his behaviour is abusive, then I have experienced abuse in my own family of origin too. Thank you for your kind words and the information you shared.

He gave me confusing messages too. He asked me if I had told my family about us. when I said no, he went on further asking questions but they would be wondering why you came alone during Christmas time and asked further questions. Why did he care about my family knowing about our separation so much?

Also, we are not always miserable. It’s during such times. We both have supported each other a lot and he wanted me around him all the time. But he has anger issues, according to his mum he changed after his last divorce from someone they said was narcissistic, so now he has become easily irritable and sometimes pointing that he is being irritable can lead to him sulking or walking out. He believes Indian wives are supposed to be more accepting of unpleasant experience for the sake of family while I am not as accepting like them. This he only says when upset with me, other times he says he is fortunate to have me.

This isn’t a question of who is more to blame. Or who did what first. You can’t hang on to this toxic relationship. Its dead and should have been abandoned and buried ling ago. The goid parts you remember and cling to were not more real thsn the awful parts.

He has been generous in the oast but he won’t be in the future. You are like a gold prospector panning in a washed out mine. He will never come good whatever his behavior in the past.

It’s quite hard to read some of your messages OP because there’s a lot of he said, he did, family this, job locations that.

the reality is that your marriage has broken down. You need to separate out all of the reasons why from what you practically need to do next.

i think you might be better returning to the country where you where both living. Everything you need is there and it gives you temporary stability whilst you contact UK solicitor and get the bal rolling.

you also need to provide Information on marital assets etc etc and not rely on anything he offers.

get this ball moving. Separately, with a therapist, you need to work on yourself, and your desires in life. This is an opportunity for you to open new doors, explore, and just be you without dealing with other people’s bullshit.

I am not like a gold prospector but you and posters like you are an online bullies, unnecessarily twisting facts to prove something, without giving any thought that someone can be in extremely depressed state.

I wrote under legal matters, you are not a lawyer so please respect my boundaries, I don’t need to hear you telling me what I am hoping for or what kind of person I am.

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful post.

I am really upset about posters suggesting I am interested in money. Or I had some flaws and that drove him up the wall. This will be his 3rd divorce so he is also doing something wrong. My problem is I thought he was a victim in past relationships. I have learnt now that with each failed marriage, chances of next one being successful is reduced because of additional trauma.

I invested a lot of time, emotions in this marriage, dealt with his anger because of PTSD from his last marriage and his family’s hostility, which was due to the trauma they received 40 years ago from his dad. I read books, online articles and almost went crazy trying to resolve this. He seems enmeshed with his family and despite him feeling ashamed about 2 failed marriages, his family created stressful situations between us. But this was because they also had trauma.

I am now taking therapy to work on my self esteem and to make sure I never put other person’s needs above mine, which I did in this marriage for a long time and when I started expressing my boundaries, I became the one with problem.

You are entitled to your options but I don’t need to hear anything which puts me down as I am all alone dealing with this stress. So if you have nothing constructive to say, please refrain from saying anything. I would be grateful for that.

@Confusedlotcom i think you are misreading this advice and thinking the poster meant gold digger. She is actually referring to the sunken fallacy whereby you had good times that are now over (productive gold mine) and now that well is dry, you won’t get back to those past times. .