Child custody questions ?

[charleyyeagle]

Hi, I’d really appreciate some advice from anyone who’s been through the courts or dealt with an inconsistent ex.

My baby’s dad has always been up and down. One minute he’s promising he wants to be involved, the next he disappears. I’ve always tried to encourage him to have a relationship with our child – kept communication open, been flexible, and given him chance after chance even when he hasn’t followed through.

Recently he’s gone quiet again, and now court has been mentioned in conversation. I’m feeling really unsure about what this could mean and what would realistically happen if it ever got that far.

My biggest questions are about court and the likely outcome:
• Would his inconsistency go against him if it ever went to court?
• Would the court force contact if he’s only involved when it suits him?
• How do courts usually view a parent who disappears for long periods?
• What kind of arrangements do courts normally put in place when a father has been unreliable and barely involved?
• He’s quite manipulative and spins the narrative a lot, blames me for telling him to not contact me as he’s been verbally abusive and says i make it difficult.

I just want stability for my child, but I’m worried about doing the wrong thing legally by stepping back when he isn’t making any effort.

Any advice or experiences would be massively appreciated.

As long as you have evidence (text messages, emails etc) that you’ve offered times when he can see his child, shown willingness to accommodate some flexibility, and haven’t tried to make access difficult, you won’t be penalised for “stepping back” and making it clear you’ll accommodate contact at X times on X days, or will consider alternative reasonable suggestions, and then leaving it in his court. You aren’t expected to go out of your way if he isn’t showing up, or to agree to unreasonable demands such as him insisting he dictates times or just wants to show up at random.

If he sends manipulative messages, or you both end up being drawn into arguments over messaging, consider having a separate basic mobile and sim that you use only for contact about child arrangements only, and separate email address, and provide him with these to use.

If he does take it to court (and a man who’s shown little interest in seeing his child is frankly likely to be using this as a threat to make you anxious, rather than be willing to follow through) then contact will be based on the child’s best interest, their age and needs, and his relationship with them. A child arrangements order will set out when you need to make the child available for him to collect or, particularly if you have a baby he’s spent little time with and hasn’t provided care for, supervised contact with a third party or in a contact centre may initially be considered more suitable. He won’t be refused contact because he’s been inconsistent in the past; but likewise, if he continues to be inconsistent, you can then use this to seek to vary an order at a later date.