what counts as a reasonable excuse to stop contact with child?

[unknownlemurr]

Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some advice or experiences please.

My ex-partner is a frequent weed user and can be quite aggressive. I’ve said that he can still have contact with our son, but only if it’s supervised by a family member or through a contact centre.

He’s now saying he’s going to drive his illegal bike down to the visit. Am I right in thinking that’s unsafe and irresponsible? My little boy is only one year old, so obviously too young to understand what’s going on — but surely that kind of behaviour sets a really bad example and shows poor judgement.
He’s also been verbally abusive to me over messages — calling me names and being really nasty when he doesn’t get his own way. It’s becoming quite intimidating and makes me feel really uncomfortable about him being around me or our son. I’m worried that his attitude towards me could eventually affect how he behaves around our child too.

Would this count as a reasonable excuse to stop contact until it’s in a safer setup? I don’t want to be accused of withholding contact unfairly, but I’m trying to do what’s best for my son.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I would say it is reasonable to stop contact if you feel your child is at risk of harm.
Assuming child will not be transported on the illegal bike? I'm not sure how dad gets there will affect the contact.
Agreed supervised is sensible if you are concerned dad will turn up under the influence, as long as whoever is supervising can assess dads presentation and stop contact if he appears to be under the influence.
Could I also recommend using a communication app...if you ever end up in court over contact issues then court can see it - appclose is one commonly used and free I believe. Using that platform may encourage him to be nicer!
If you do have concerns over your childs safety then you could seek advice from your local authority Children's Services.

It’s not just that he’d be on an illegal bike — it’s the manner of his driving that really worries me. He rides aggressively and recklessly, shows little regard for the safety of other people or for traffic laws, and that pattern of behaviour makes me doubt his judgment and stability around our son. Even if my son isn’t on the bike, I’m worried that this demonstrates a wider disregard for safety and could spill over into how he behaves when he’s with him.

I’ll look into that app you suggested!

The stuff about the bike sounds like clutching at straws in my opinion. If he's turned up under the influence when arriving for contact then supervised contact would be reasonable but not just because he smokes when his son isn't with him. The precious resources of contact centres is for those who can't keep their child safe, not for run of the mill low level shitty people/parents.

Thank you for your reply.
I know there are worse situations out there, but it’s not just about him smoking weed in his own time — it’s the overall pattern of behaviour. He’s aggressive over messages, uses illegal vehicles, drives dangerously, and doesn’t seem to take safety or responsibility seriously. Those things together make me question his judgment around a one-year-old.
He's seen his child about 6/7 times. He hasn’t a clue what to do, he’s never changed a nappy ect. Do you think me supervising for now is the best option ?

No I don’t think you should supervise when he’s been verbally aggressive to you. You should document all of those incidents in case needed. You shouldnt have to have contact with him yourself if intimidated.

I agree the bike is fairly irrelevant though and you looking for reasons to have contact supervised, but you probably have better evidence than the bike. If he’s never changed a nappy how is he proposing to learn these things? How does he behave around your son and how does your son respond to him? You need to have clear and specific concerns about risk if you want to limit contact.

No I don't. He sounds like an eejit but everything you're mentioning is hypotheticals or perspective based that has the potential to sound very different if he told it. In the absence of any examples of where he has put his child at risk I think you're running the risk of being accused of alienating him. Lots of parents have never changed a nappy until they've had to and the answer to minor things like that isn't to throw up barriers but to give opportunity to learn.

You can’t control your ex’s behaviour, you need to focus on your child and what happens when he is with your child. You actually don’t get to make the call on whether or not visits or supervised, if your ex goes along with it that’s great and bearing in mind the age of your son I totally get why you want that but legally you need a court order to enforce supervised visits so keep the focus on your child’s safety in case you end up in court.

"Do you think me supervising for now is the best option?"

From my point of view, I wouldn't let someone like that anywhere near my child in a million years. But if you feel obliged to allow contact then I would have thought it needs to be in a neutral place, with you present, and also an independent person (maybe another relative of yours) there as well. He's a drug user, abusive and displays dangerous behaviour, and I think you'd be crackers to let your child out of your sight.

I completely agree that I shouldn’t be supervising when he’s been verbally aggressive — I don’t feel comfortable being around him at all right now. I’ve started saving all the messages and making notes of incidents in case it’s ever needed.

I know the bike might seem minor on its own, but for me it’s part of a bigger pattern of reckless and immature behaviour. He’s never looked after our son alone, never changed a nappy, and doesn’t seem to understand what’s actually involved in caring for a one-year-old. When he has seen him, he’s been quite impatient and doesn’t have any interest and leaves it to me.

The problem is OP that everything you’ve said is all very vague and waffly. There’s nothing concrete there that demonstrates how he’s a danger to the child.

I’m not saying that I’d want him around my child, if I were in your shoes, but you need to be able to point to more specific concerns. Unfortunately being nasty to the mother doesn’t seem to hold any significance in the Family Court.

Does he actually want access? Is he demanding it? Because if he isn’t, then I wouldn’t bother. I’d happily sacrifice child maintenance to keep a loser like this out of my child’s life permanently (ask me how I know……).

I think you have a really complicated situation to deal with, because there are a lot of factors going on. Your child is so small and vulnerable - you have a biological urge to protect them as much as possible and to look for potential danger. You also have your own thoughts and feelings about the dad's behaviour. You have the legal framework (which is incredibly unhelpful, slow, expensive and conflictual). And I assume you have a million people telling you what you should do, many of whom have no experience of this kind of situation. It's a lot to unpick.

I think you feel this contact is risky for your child and the illegal bike feels like a solid reason to get out of it. But it isn't currently relevant.

In this situation you have far less ability to protect your child than you should have. It's the reality of being a separated parent - you may not be on the same page and you have very little influence over him. Your ex may have a completely different version of events which he probably believes. I think accepting a realistic view of what you can control, although difficult, helps you to be more effective.

If you believe the dad is a risk to your baby you are legally allowed to stop contact and the dad can use legal measures to get access. But this prevents your ex learning how to be a good parent, your child having a relationship with his dad, and scuppers the likelihood of you having a good co-parenting relationship. It has to be a proportionate response and this doesn't sound like a situation which warrants it.

It's really hard and incredibly unfair and not the parenting experience you wanted. I really hope you manage to work it out.

Are these concerns good faith or are you trying to build a case to block contact?
Your ex may not be society’s best citizen but lots of people smoke weed, speed and get into rows with their ex by text.
He is as much your son’s parent as you are.

If you think your son is genuinely at risk from him fair enough. But building a shopping list of his sins so you can block access isn’t right.

Tip the police off about the illegal bike and where/ what time they can catch him. A conviction could help future child sharing etc

Your ex has seen your one year old 6/7 times? Is that since the child was born? If this is the case, why are you trying so hard to facilitate contact?

I wouldn’t say your reasons are good enough to stop a child from knowing his father. Legally, the bar for withholding contact is very high, basically because it is known that children have better outcomes in life when they know both their parents. Your ex sounds too disorganised to take it to court, but he could, and he would be given contact even if the judge did recognise that he was irresponsible and not a very good parent.

I asked for an opinion not judgement. I’m a first time mum and have no idea what i’m doing.

He clearly didn’t wake up one morning after you both separated with all these issues. Did you think you could “fix” him or something? Please work on that aspect of yourself before getting into another relationship with an obvious loser. Drop the rope with this one and watch him disappear.

I’ve done this, multiple reports how he’s using the bike to harass me as he drives past my house revving it really loud. absolutely nothing done so far.

He actually did start behaving like this after I left him — that’s when things really kicked off. It’s got very little to do with him wanting to see his son, and much more to do with trying to still have some control over me.

I posted for advice about contact and safety, not judgement on my past choices. I’m aware of the mistakes I made, but right now my only focus is protecting my little boy and doing things properly going forward.

Yes, that’s since he was born. I’m not trying hard to facilitate contact — I’m just trying to do things the right way so it doesn’t come back on me later. I want my son to be safe, but I also know that completely blocking contact without reason can cause problems down the line.

I’ve made it clear that I’m open to supervised contact and that it’s up to him to show he can be consistent, respectful, and reliable. If he doesn’t make the effort, that’s on him — at least I’ll know I’ve done my part and can show that I’ve been reasonable.

With respect that is my opinion.

I’d never purposely stop child contact unless i believed there was a concern, which i do believe there is. I understand the bikes got nothing to do with it but i thought it would help you understand a pattern of his behaviour

He needs visits that are supervised by a professional. I thought this was what you meant.

But basically he's going to be visiting you and your son together.

This really is a bad idea.

Are social services involved? Can they not supervise visits in a contact centre? The whole point of this is to ensure your son's welfare so you don't need to worry about your ex being high or behaving inappropriately or incompetently.

You need someone like Womens Aid or an anti harassment organisation to help you get the Police to take action