Ex-partners parents took me to court through my ex

[endangeredmum]

Hi all,

My ex took me to court recently for a CAO. However, during the process, it became apparant that it was actually his parents taking me - but using him as a frontman.

For context; my ex was an absent father from my two boys for a lot of their young lives. He was a terrible Dad to them and never spent any time with them - he was abusive towards me and towards the children when he saw them. The icing on cake was him getting his affair partner pregnant last year.

His parents knew about all his disgusting behaviours and his absence, they also knew about the other woman and the pregnancy but never offered to help me. They watched me struggle alone with my two boys and would only ever have them on their terms.

After finding out they knew about the pregnancy, I severed all contact with them. They obviously got some advice telling them to get my ex to file for a CAO and so he was awarded nearly 50% of care. Devastating for our little unit, as I lose my children and my youngest has additional needs and I am his main carer.

Fast forward to his first weekend and lo and behold - his parents are doing all the contact.

I can't seem to get a straight answer to where I stand with this? I feel I was absolutely shafted by my barrister as he gave in to all of my exs demands and wouldn't listen to any argument I had. He simply said 'the court won't care' anytime I tried to put a point across (such as my son needing me for his additional needs and my ex planning to delegate the court order contact)

Has anyone been through this?! It's such a grey area and so tricky to get my point across. I don't know who to speak to..I've phone several different lawyers and they all gatekeep the information behind a paywall. I have already spent 10k on this whole process.

Thank you in advance for any advice

Take advantage of the childcare now whilst you have it.

Meet up with friends, have weekends away etc. All while taking meticulous notes about who is actually caring for the DC.

As others have said, I can’t see this situation lasting as the GP will realise they’ve bitten off more than they can (or want to) chew and ask your ex to step up and he won’t, so I’m sure your DC will be back in mostly your care soon.

Chin up, enjoy the respite and assume it won’t be for long, because if he doesn’t like caring for, or paying for, his DC, he’ll realise that he doesn’t actually want to see them that much after all.

OK, I'm going out on a limb here, but it's rarely the case that when grandparents seek contact with grandchildren they do so to "get one over" on anyone and please do not listen to anyone who tells you that, there is a great deal of misinformation on these forums, usually by aggrieved parents.

Firstly, your ex-partner could have led his parents up the garden path completely and made you out to be the culprit on all matters. Yes, they should be old and wise enough to make their own minds up but some people can be very convincing, presumably like your ex-partner was with you to convince you to start a family. You and the grandparents are probably in a more similar boat than you actually realise.

As for the contact order, it should likely spell out what the terms of the contact are and in most cases it's with the other parent, not specifically the grandparents. If it does specify the grandparents, then it will likely only do so on a basis of your partner being there also to provide primary contact. If it doesn't, the assumption would be the grandparents should have some contact, but not primary contact. Find out what the contact order contains.

Legally, and depending on the terms of the contact order, the grandparents technically have little in the way of rights and certainly wouldn't have the right to be the primary contact unless they themselves sought such in their own right through the court.

However, and this is probably the most important bit, it's clear they have an objective with the children. Unless they are both the most vindictive and deplorable people around, it's likely they want a relationship with them rather than simply doing it to annoy you. You should try and work on that. Make contact with them, and explain as long as the kids are happy to be with them then you would have no issue with contact. Make it known that if this is to work, it has to be a routine contact for the sakes of the kids.

If the kids are coming back to you happy enough, and as you haven't said any different the presumption is they are, then contact with the grandparents would seem to be going well. Embrace that because relationships with grandparents can be very valuable to children, and it should always be about the children, not what we want.

Does he declare his taxes? Is he legally putting it all in a pension

tell HMRC (they will be interested), ask CMS to investigate ‘lifestyle incompatible with income’

Try a bit of reverse psychology when they come to pick them up and look really happy, saying you’re off to play golf/tennis or something in this lovely weather. That will really wind them up.

Great advice from @LaurieFairyCake, make it clear that your childfree time is enjoyable! They’ll probably give up after a while.

Your description of your MIL is concerning though: I don't think I am dealing with rational people - his Mum is mentally unstable and has even attacked me a few times.

I don’t know the legalities but could that be a legal reason not to spend time with them?

I agree with a pp about a bit of reverse psychology.

Go to the front door in full make up, jewellery and heels. Thank them for taking the kids off your hands. See how long it takes them to realise they're being used.

I agree its an awful situation. Not how these things were intended.

Has your legal advisor actually done anything useful? It seems like you’ve lost everything, it’s so incredibly unfair . I’m so sorry op.

In relation to the CAO, the purpose of the split in contact is so both parents (not grandparents) can spend ‘quality’ time with children, using reasonable childcare around work. If he is away so much, particularly overnight, then the CAO should be varied (occasional nights probably allowed away). Keep a diary for a number of weeks/months and see if you think it is worth varying. If it was decided by magistrates then I understand there is an automatic right to appeal within a certain short time frame.

In terms of CMS, raise variations immediately for unearned income (dividends) and assets (savings etc) if applicable. And diversion of income if you think relatives are involved in the business etc/retaining profits in the business etc. You need to do this under the additional income section of the portal. It’s a long slog but could be worth it.

The ‘lifestyle’ ground mentioned by a PP is no longer available but can be used to support claims.