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Original poster

Ex-partners parents took me to court through my ex

32 replies

endangeredmum · 13/10/2025 16:25

Hi all,

My ex took me to court recently for a CAO. However, during the process, it became apparant that it was actually his parents taking me - but using him as a frontman.

For context; my ex was an absent father from my two boys for a lot of their young lives. He was a terrible Dad to them and never spent any time with them - he was abusive towards me and towards the children when he saw them. The icing on cake was him getting his affair partner pregnant last year.

His parents knew about all his disgusting behaviours and his absence, they also knew about the other woman and the pregnancy but never offered to help me. They watched me struggle alone with my two boys and would only ever have them on their terms.

After finding out they knew about the pregnancy, I severed all contact with them. They obviously got some advice telling them to get my ex to file for a CAO and so he was awarded nearly 50% of care. Devastating for our little unit, as I lose my children and my youngest has additional needs and I am his main carer.

Fast forward to his first weekend and lo and behold - his parents are doing all the contact.

I can't seem to get a straight answer to where I stand with this? I feel I was absolutely shafted by my barrister as he gave in to all of my exs demands and wouldn't listen to any argument I had. He simply said 'the court won't care' anytime I tried to put a point across (such as my son needing me for his additional needs and my ex planning to delegate the court order contact)

Has anyone been through this?! It's such a grey area and so tricky to get my point across. I don't know who to speak to..I've phone several different lawyers and they all gatekeep the information behind a paywall. I have already spent 10k on this whole process.

Thank you in advance for any advice

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 13/10/2025 16:29

Sorry this is happening. I can’t offer legal advice, but are the grandparents capable of providing care for nearly 50% of the time? Are they aware of your son’s needs? Can they do school runs and hospital appointments etc?

Is there a long game here? Will they realise they have taken on too much, that their feckless son won’t help? Could you renegotiate with them to allow them normal grandparent access, say one Saturday a month?

Original poster
endangeredmum · 13/10/2025 16:36

I do think there will be a point where they realised they've taken on too much. They love their free time and even took up playing boules so that they wouldn't be available for childcare. There were times where I was up against it and they still wouldn't help.

I don't think I am dealing with rational people - his Mum is mentally unstable and has even attacked me a few times. The first thing she ever said to me when I had my first child was 'I won't be comitting to any childcare, just so you know'. They certainly won't enjoy being tied to two children every other weekend and for half of the Summer holidays. It's just awful that they can get away with this!

OP posts:
Original poster
endangeredmum · 13/10/2025 16:36

I do think there will be a point where they realised they've taken on too much. They love their free time and even took up playing boules so that they wouldn't be available for childcare. There were times where I was up against it and they still wouldn't help.

I don't think I am dealing with rational people - his Mum is mentally unstable and has even attacked me a few times. The first thing she ever said to me when I had my first child was 'I won't be comitting to any childcare, just so you know'. They certainly won't enjoy being tied to two children every other weekend and for half of the Summer holidays. It's just awful that they can get away with this!

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 13/10/2025 16:40

Every other weekend and half the school holidays is nowhere near 50%, make sure you get child support

hopefully they will get bored of doing even that and start cancelling Flowers

try a bit of reverse psychology when they come to pick them up and look really happy, saying you’re off to play golf/tennis or something in this lovely weather. That will really wind them up Wink

Morningsleepin · 13/10/2025 16:57

If they look after the children well, leave them to it and enjoy the respite

Jellybunny56 · 13/10/2025 16:59

It’s a really shit situation OP because technically and legally, it’s his time to do what he wants with- if he wants to send them to grandparent/nursery/childcare/clubs etc then he can do that in his time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/10/2025 17:29

Legally, he can choose to have his mum, dad, nursery, whomever look after them in his time. And on the lawyer points, it is often true that something can be wrong, unfair, awful and still not legally relevant. As someone once said to me “it’s not illegal to be an arsehole”.

As PP said, smile, look like you’re enjoying your ‘time off’ and wait for them all to get tired of it. And remember that half the weekends and holidays isn’t 50%.

autienotnaughty · 13/10/2025 17:44

Claim maintenance keep child benefits doctors etc under your name. act like your loving the break, to their faces they will get sick if it.

Original poster
endangeredmum · 13/10/2025 17:44

Thanks so much for all your replies everyone... I am enjoying some respite after 7 years of solo parenting - but of course I do think about them when they are away, as I'm sure all Mums do.

My question is, though, if he goes abroad for 6-8 weeks, can he still legally delegate that amount of time!? How much is reasonable? What if he goes away for four months like he did last year? The point of the court order is for him to establish a relationship with them - and he misled the court by telling them he was going to change his job, which he hasn't.

I suppose I am still getting used to everything..I never imagined having to be away from my children and not being able to contact them at all...and I am obviously still shocked about the other baby too. Ultimate betrayal. But all that aside - is it really OK to delegate 24/7 of the contact time you have been to court to obtain?

Thank you all for your replies and understanding, I do really appreciate it

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 13/10/2025 17:47

It is okay if that’s what he wants to do yeah, essentially it is HIS time. He can do whatever he wants with it.

prh47bridge · 13/10/2025 17:48

If you think the order should be varied, gather evidence to show what is happening. Keep a diary. Then, when you have enough, you can ask the court to vary the order. However, if his parents really want contact, they can ask the court for permission to apply for a CAO in their own right if the current order is changed. Given that they already effectively have contact, they may succeed.

Lennonjingles · 13/10/2025 17:51

Who collected the DC and dropped them off, I’d like to say you can tell them all contact has to be through your ex and he has to do the pick ups/drop offs, due to abuse of ex in-laws, but maybe someone can tell you if you can do that. How did the weekend go with the DC were they able to say how it went?

Xiaoxiong · 13/10/2025 17:56

You say the CAO was recent so I would hold tight and let this play out. It sounds like they wanted to score points against you, and he wanted to reduce the CM he pays. But if he does try and delegate 6-8 weeks of care to them while he goes abroad it sounds like they will either say no (because it would cut into their boules time) or they'd say yes, without realising how much it will cut into their boules time, and then they'll ring him in a panic to say they can't possibly have the kids AGAIN and then they'll have to hash it out between themselves.

I predict that within 6 months this arrangement will no longer be in place - the grandparents will not be willing to provide all the care, your ex certainly won't be, and they'll start cancelling contact on you left right and centre.

Namechangerage · 13/10/2025 17:58

LaurieFairyCake · 13/10/2025 16:40

Every other weekend and half the school holidays is nowhere near 50%, make sure you get child support

hopefully they will get bored of doing even that and start cancelling Flowers

try a bit of reverse psychology when they come to pick them up and look really happy, saying you’re off to play golf/tennis or something in this lovely weather. That will really wind them up Wink

Omg this is brilliant 🤣🤣

Tell them you’re going on a spa day and to get your hair done. They’ll hate it!!

Snorlaxo · 13/10/2025 18:05

His parents doing the childcare is treated the same as you using a nursery or childminder. Obviously nobody uses a nursery or child minder 24/7 but your ex could morally argue that each parent has a responsibility to promote a relationship with their side of the family and he’s doing that.

It sounds like if you wait, your ILs will get bored then you’ll be able to get a new CAO. If his mum physically attacks you again, I would make sure that it was logged so that you can make your case to social services later for MIL being an unsuitable carer for dc.

Keep a diary if they change dates and times for future negotiation purposes. Each parent can get 50% and often contract it out to new partners/female family members and it’s considered absolutely fine. Your realistic game plan is to get them to want to renegotiate the CAO down so that you have more contact back.

There’s 13 weeks of school holidays so half of school holidays and EOW is not 50% of the time. Hope that makes you feel a bit better.

JLou08 · 13/10/2025 18:07

You cut all contact when you found out they knew about the pregnancy? Why? What does that have to do with the relationship between your children and their paternal family?

ARichtGoodDram · 13/10/2025 18:12

Keep a detailed diary. Who collects the children, who drops them off, any information he, his parents or the children give you.
Factual, not emotions. Dates. Times. Places. Exactly wordings.

Once it becomes clear he's not respecting the CAO you can go back to court, but it'll take a long time. My ex got EOW, every Wednesday night, and half holidays and even when he saw his children 6 times in a year it took me two returns to court to have it altered.

Also if you're sure it's a spite thing then make sure they all know how much you are enjoying your free time. The only time my ex would actually tell me he wasn't coming was when he thought I had something else planned - so I used that when I wanted the kids with me for an event.

Xiaoxiong · 13/10/2025 18:15

Oh I missed that it was EOW and half the holidays.

That's an 80/20 split. Not just under half! Make sure you're still getting the maintenance he owes.

BananagramBadger · 13/10/2025 18:21

They will definitely get bored - please do update us when they do! In the meantime plan yourself some much deserved downtime - if it’s unlikely to carry on long term then you need to make the most of it!

ChubbyMorticia · 13/10/2025 18:22

I don’t know if it exists in the UK, but here in Canada, you can ask for right of first refusal. Basically, if the child will be with anyone other than the parent over a certain amount of hours, they MUST ask the coparent if they would like the children during that time.

So, him leaving the kids at his parents would be a no go.

It’s not considered in the child’s best interest to be with a caregiver when a capable parent is available and willing.

Soontobe60 · 13/10/2025 18:28

It’s not 50/50 and the worst thing you could have done was to stop all contact with your Dcs grandparents out of spite. That was really mean and the children may very well have suffered because of it.
Stop arguing, behave like a responsible parent and enjoy your free time.

Original poster
endangeredmum · 13/10/2025 18:29

With regards to CMS payments - he is self employed so... you can probably guess the rest...

He's gone from 60k a year to 12.5k and I get £24 a week for my two boys

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 13/10/2025 18:33

endangeredmum · 13/10/2025 18:29

With regards to CMS payments - he is self employed so... you can probably guess the rest...

He's gone from 60k a year to 12.5k and I get £24 a week for my two boys

Why doesn't that surprise me at all.

Original poster
endangeredmum · 13/10/2025 18:34

ChubbyMorticia · 13/10/2025 18:22

I don’t know if it exists in the UK, but here in Canada, you can ask for right of first refusal. Basically, if the child will be with anyone other than the parent over a certain amount of hours, they MUST ask the coparent if they would like the children during that time.

So, him leaving the kids at his parents would be a no go.

It’s not considered in the child’s best interest to be with a caregiver when a capable parent is available and willing.

I did ask for first refusal in court - he wouldn't agree of course. He would rather take the boys from their Mother, who is willing an able to parent (I have built my business around the school hours)

I used to live in Canada...they are very forward thinking!

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 13/10/2025 18:37

Do they pick up from you? Be on the phone openly talking about how your on your way shortly see you soon etc wear makeup and nice clothing

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