Supervised contact, introduction of partner without consent

[Mummyforjustice]

Hi! I have a child arrangements order for my 4 year old son. Son's dad can only have supervised contact. Supervisors are my mum and his sister. Obviously, I knew his sister would be a bad idea as supervisor. Son's dad left when he was 5 months. Then in Feb 2024 supervised contact started. Father doesn't contribute, no co parenting, no parenting, doesn't even answer the phone to his child. Calls back a week later then saying I should of called my another means. He moved 4 and a half hours away to be with his new girlfriend. Last weekend him and his sister introduced my boy to his girlfriend and her daughter without mine or mums knowledge or consent. He only admitted to my mum because my son would tell us. The day after he submitted a variation of the contact arrangement order to have unsupervised contact and over night stays at his place nearly 5 hours away. Yet...he didn't mention a single thing about the undisclosed introduction with my son and his GF and her daughter in the application. He says he can't to mediation because I have done DV to him and I am child abusing because I poison my son's head about him. My son's sees his dad excitedly, I always encourage because I don't want him to go out and feel anxious all day without me. I guess I am on here venting but how dare he do that. My child is asking if he is getting a new mummy and doesn't want me to leave him. His had nightmares. I guess I need to know where I stand and how to feel emotionally. It was me that suffered dV from him for years and exploited me for finances. His new woman is successful too which isn't a surprise! 🙄 Can I have everyone thoughts please. Legal and non legal. Thank you. I am seething inside!!! Help!!!

My child is asking if he is getting a new mummy and doesn't want me to leave him. His had nightmares.

This is unusual.

Why would a 4 year old with separated parents even think this?

It's inevitable that his dad's partner and her DC will become a part of his life, if they stay together.

So the way forward is for all the adults to stop falling out and start putting him first.

Well how does he intend it manage the 10 hour round trip?.
Unfortunately he can choose who and when your dc meets someone new unless court order agreement not to.

But why would he need to get your permission to meet his new girlfriend and her daughter ,if it’s a serious thing then it’s a positive step forward,he’s also your sons parent not just you, no offence and I mean this from a good place but your post sounds like your very bitter about your ex moving on! What as his girlfriend being successful got to do with it?

Unless there’s something in the court order prohibiting it, your ex is entirely free to introduce his son to whoever he wants.

Didn't you just answer your own question? He is 4, he has supervised contact only order, dad left his child at 5 months, he only started seeing him Feb 2024. A child has only just got to know this stranger over 18 months.

How do I know this GF is a long term relationship, how can I provide that assurance. My child technically just got a dad and now this woman has come without me, the primary carer knowing. I don't know if she is abusive, if she has played a part in keeping his dad away or if anything for that matter. She could be vulnerable. My child is 4.

Don't you think a child's wellbeing is paramount and safeguards needs to be in place during the time the child builds a solid foundation with an absent parent?

If his dad was thinking of his wellbeing and understood him and really evaluated where this child is at emotionally and psychologically only after 18 contact sessions with him, then he would have chosen to plan, speak to me, understand if this is safe, let me speak to his girlfriend, let me assess and speak to his dad to decide if this is the right time. Or get a variation of the court order since it's supervised contact only.

He could have asked if he is getting a new mum, because in his head he only just got a dad after most of his life, dad wasnt interested before. Now, his dad has shown him a family unit, that he hasn't had. He has a brain of a 4 year old. He isn't a teenager or adult yet.

That's a child focused perspective. Not sure yours is. But thanks for your opinion.

Success...that's the kind of women he goes for. He is a cuckoo. He moves on to the next woman, when he gets assets or finances.

There is a supervised only court order in place because he is abusive.

I am not bitter at all. I encourage contact between my kid and dad but so far my child doesn't fully trust him and doesn't truly feel his dad's here to stick around. Once he has build a solid relationship with his child, trust is built and he can co parent and parent. So far he refuses to make him a cheese sandwich. Is been 18 months!

People should be happy and I wish the best for his dad. I got out and I'm happy. But I need my child to fully ready before any other partners are involved.

I wouldn't let my child meet my partner until he was 100% ready. He is 4 and can't process and regulate a situation yet. Adults are supposed to help nurture not mess his head up!

As others have said, you cannot control who your ex introduces your son to. He does not need your permission to introduce your son to his new partner. The courts will not give you that level of control.

Wouldn't it be an idea if he came, enjoyed some hours on the Saturday and stayed in a hotel or Airbnb or he is even allowed to stay at my parents house because my mum is supervisor anyway, then on Sunday spend a while day with his child. Make home food for him, help him with homework do an activity eg rugby classes or anything else. Instead, he just needs to get back to his girlfriend. In 18 months he hasn't ever made any of that kind of effort. My family and I have encouraged consistency and co parenting. He just comes, takes him to soft play, sits on the side get him a mcdonalds and drives him around in the car for a few hours till he sleeps. Then he drops him off, child wakes up and then is awake with me till 2-3pm and is shattered for reception the next day. Don't you think meaningful contact that falls in line with the child routine is paramount?

Is that if it is unsupervised contact? The order states no others can be present only the supervisor.

It’s obviously shit, but you can’t control who he introduces. If he wanted to introduce a new gf every month, it would likely be damaging to your child but his right to make that parenting choice. I don’t think you have any say at all unfortunately

But then this is an entirely different issue.

ex broke terms of court order is your issue.

Not ex introduced a new woman, how do i know their relationship is serious, ex should visit more and make food for ds and Co parent more etc etc which is what you’ve actually described here

you’re conflating the issue, with your (obviously correct) wishes for an ideal father for ds.

you contact your solicitor if the terms have been broken

You know, it's so sad and there needs to be more safeguarding in place for children. This how abuse slips through the net, it's like how far do you go until either the child is so mentally broken or there is a death. Like that little boy Oscar in the news. I will fight to the grave to make sure my child is safe and I don't think I am being unreasonable to take that responsibility. Thank you for your response

You hadn't mentioned that. In that case, he is in breach of the order. Think about what you want to happen and talk to your solicitor. If you wanted to reduce contact, this would be evidence you could use. It seems you don't, in which case your best approach may be to get your solicitor to send him a letter reminding him of the terms of the order.

I'd pick your battles wisely here or the court may (however wrongly) see you as hostile.
I don't think it will particularly harm your son to meet the girlfriend in a supervised setting. At most I would maybe get a solicitors letter sent to him. And keep a note of when it happened to flag to the court

Would have been helpful to set out what you have added in your update. The Order does not permit that so you can report the breach.
as for him having a girlfriend whether she ever meets your child again will be determined by what changes if any are made to the Order not what you decide unfortunately

Yes of course I want my child to have a father and a great bond. That's very important but I feel we haven't got to that stage yet with supervised contact. He has been hasn't been present much and prioritising social events over consistent contact. People's birthday drinks ups are more important. He breached the order and the next day submitted a c100 for variation of the order but didn't mention a peep about the breach of his order or his girlfriend. Or how his sister the supervisor didn't disclose the meeting at the handover

Just want apologise for not adding so much context to the main post. It's very a complicated matter and just to confirm I am going to represent myself this time in court because I can't afford a solicitor. I do not get child maintenance or any support from him. But for the record as a mother, with a Live-With Order i do feel I need to know what's planned for visits, if anything then I can answer my child's questions about what the plan is. He doesn't communicate at all with me. There is a cafcass contract of expectations also which states only supervisor and no other people are allowed on the contact. Thank you all for your perspectives. I don't think my parenting is perfect but I do try incredibly hard on my own.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I do understand and empathise. Beyond way more than your situation. Just stick to the facts and remain as child focussed and dispassionate as possible whilst complying and upholding the Order. That puts you in the best position to deal with anything.