CMS lashout

[StripeyCatsAreDaft]

Recently I have gone to the CMS as my ex-husband will not discuss reviewing our settlement agreement from our divorce 10 years ago, even though he has more than doubled his income through promotion at work. The only change there has been in that time was the inclusion of the gymnastics classes fees that he offered to pay for (although he has never taken them to!) but other than that he has continued with the same contribution to the children for the passed decade.
During the marriage, he was very controlling of both me and the finances in the house. He would tell me to wait till payday to buy Aldi nappies but make sure I had bought his coffee syrups that day, he insisted that I give up my job and that i stayed at home after the children were born. If ever I dared to raise an issue with him it was met with an arguement about how I had spoken to him followed by days of silent treatment rather than resolving the issue leaving me terrified to bring up anything that went against him.
I went to the CMS a fortnight ago, and worried every day since about what his reaction was going to be. Last night, after he picked up the girls for the weekend (he has always manipulated his rota to ensure he has them at the weekend so he doesnt have to do the school run, appointments or any afterschool clubs, this he has admitted himself) he sent me a text message saying:
I have received a letter from the CMS with your demands and they are unsustainable. I may even lose my family home.
I can only see 2 options open to me both of which i have discussed with the children. 1st I will have to move abroad to earn more to pay the demand, this will mean that I will only be in the country 45 days per year resulting in me seeing the children 2-3 times annually. 2nd I will need to sell the family home and move closer to where you live and go to court for 50:50 custody of the children.
I am so scared but also so angry that he has spoken to the children about this. I am sure that he will be saying all sorts of untruths and manipulation about how your mum is making me give her so much money that I might have to work abroad and you'll never be able to see me or that I can't afford the money that your mum is demanding so I will need to sell my home, what if I moved closer and you can stay with us for one week and the other week with your mum.
I can clearly see that these are not the only two options out there and that he is using extreme examples but it still scares me.
He has given me a figure that he will have to pay but I have not had anything through from the CMS to confirm this. I am sure that they use a standard calculation of 16% less the shared care etc which to me means that it is a maximum of 16% of his gross earnings.
What should my next move be,? I have not replied to the text message, and to be honest I dont think I will until I get information from the CMS.
Thank you for any and all information.

Honestly? I wouldn’t do anything at all.

You’ve clearly tried to have the discussion in the past and gotten nowhere, hence going to CMS now- let them sort it out.

It really doesn’t matter what he says, that’s what they’ve calculated so either he will pay it himself, or he won’t and it will move to direct so will be taken from his salary and he gets no say.

Let him talk to himself and from now on deal only with actions.

Just let it play out, he is unlikely to go for 50/50 and even if he did it will take a while to get to court and he would then need to be able to show that he can a) actually do it and b) it’s in the best interests of the children. Keep copies of all communications he sends in case you need them.

Ultimately his finances are his problem, CMS make a determination of what a fair amount is and it’s not a high proportion, if he’s over extended himself on buying his house then that’s a problem for him to find a solution to, not you.

Oh and in terms of what he’s said to the kids, yes it sounds like he’s trying to make a case for sympathy and guilt, you should ensure your communications with your kids are age appropriate, not intended to alienate him as that would be harmful in any future court cases and isn’t beneficial to your kids, just keep your answers factual and accurate “each parent needs to contribute to the living expenses of their children. I’m not asking your dad to pay anymore than the minimum he should pay. This is a discussion between him and me though so let’s leave it there and try not to worry about it.”

In your shoes I'd not reply and wait until the CMS write to you with the calculation. His intention is to upset, scare and control you. But he can't do any of those things because you've left - he doesn't have that power over you now. They're just words.
are you familiar with grey rock? If not, I'd look it up and use the technique on him. It will help you feel more in control too.

“Thank you for letting me know, I imagine the CMS will be in touch with me directly in due course”.

It acknowledges his message without giving him any further ammunition. Don’t engage on the subject with him whatsoever. Let CMS do their job.

He is 100% trying to emotionally manipulate you into backing down. I’d bet my left sock that he won’t take either of those options.

A man that has intentionally avoided all the school runs and clubs etc isn't going to suddenly follow through on going 50/50. He won't want to fit all that around his work or lose his freedom in the week. He's just trying to bully you into backing down. I'd ignore the message completely.

How old are the kids? If they're old enough to understand I'd just explain that it's your duty to make sure that you receive the correct child maintenance to give them the best life you can. It's not you that decides how much that is, it's the government. The government won't make him pay more than he can afford.

Don't let him know that 50/50 worries you as that will encourage him to follow through.

Leave this in the hands of the CMS. I wouldn't even respond to that clear attempt to scare and manipulate you.

A gentle conversation with the children along the lines others have given above would be in order - doing your best to keep it light, and making it clear that you're not asking for anything unreasonable, you can be factually accurate about what the government figures out is reasonable, and that it's a really very small percentage of income (contrast against how much of your income and time you happily spend with them)

He is lying. The letter from the CMS doesn't have "your demands". Assuming you have two children, you are correct that the most he will have to pay is 16% of his gross income. I agree with others that you should ignore him and let the CMS do their job. And, as he has already spoken to the children, I agree that you should speak to them and explain gently what is really happening.

Just simply reply. You do whatever you see fit.
Cms is the legal minimum to pay . They base this on your earnings by hmrc.

Also let him try for 50/50 just show the judge he's doing it for monetary reasons you have the text to prove. And if he ever did get 50/50 it would cost more than cms as he'd have to feed and clothe them 50% of the time. Pay childcare etc

Thank you all for your kind messages. Last night we spoke with the children, and he had indeed discussed this with them adding another option that he may need to get a flat which he didn't want to do because he would hear other people's washing machines after a nightshift (not that the flat would be too small for them, or there wouldn't be a garden for them to play in!).
We reassured them that this was not their decision to make. They said that they felt their dad was pushing for them to go 50:50. We let them know that they were allowed to say "I feel uncomfortable talking about this, it is between you and mum"
Thank you all again for your help.

My ex did exactly the same. He got himself in front of a judge and then told the judge that he wanted 50-50 only couldn’t guarantee that he would be there on a Monday because he might be at work for that. Every other weekend would work as long as he didn’t have anything else on
The judge didn’t quite burst out laughing or rolled their eyes mentally you could see it was happening.
The courts have to deal with this nonsense daily. They’ve seen it all. And they see through it all

When your children are older they'll realize that their dad contributed only the legal minimum he was allowed to pay to their upbringing.

Another bum.

I wonder whether CMS have told him he has to pay a fair chunk of arrears, if you’ve not had any increase since your divorce. Sounds like your DC are now of an age where they can decide themselves where they want to spend their lives. As previous posters say, don’t engage with him.

well done. As far as your DC are aware, all they need to know is that the CMS set the rate for dads all over the country, so their dad isn't being treated unfairly and that the government create the rules not you.

I never went to CMS as DD's father was in and out of work a lot, sometimes self employed, so it just wasn't worth it. He pays just £30 a week. DD understands that this isn't much, and she also understands how hard I have worked to provide for everything for her. She is grateful to me and sad that he begrudges paying money for her upkeep.

There won’t be any arrears payable. The date you start the claim is the first payable date.

Agree with others OP leave him to it. He has no power over you and is very unlikely to go for 50:50.

Ignore him.
Hopefully he'll move abroad.

This.

and tell the kids that the authorities are the ones who work out a fair amount for him to pay, that it’s not up to you or their dad.

All you need to do is respond with “Noted”.

Do nothing.

Respond with "Noted." if you want to wind him up a bit.

Separately do speak to your children about this. I dont believe saying nothing is appropriate if he is spouting nonsense - they need information to form an opinion otherwise they will take his bizarre rantings as fact.
I'd explain the government sets the amount and millions of men pay it without issue possible truth fudge given some of what I see on here but whatever
and explain how their dad has a million other options beyond moving abroad and selling his house 😅

What a fucking clown 🤡

He’s trying to scare you.

If you feel the need to reply then as a pp suggested, reply with “Noted”

The ball is in his court now. I don’t think he’ll go for 50/50 - there’s 38 weeks of school a year so lots of school runs are necessary including INSET days.

Depending on how old the kids are, their opinion will matter from age 12ish. If he doesn’t parent properly then they will vote with their feet.