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Original poster

Mediation due to child contact

14 replies

Smell9696 · 08/09/2025 20:31

I have finally after 2 difficult years a
applied to take my ex husband to mediation after constant inconsistent contact with our child. Our Dc is 4. He has agreed to it and the process is underway.
I have never done this before so was wondering if anyone had any tips.
Will the mediation take into account all the times he's not show up/ingored my messsges/cancelled ? I have evidence both written and screenshots of it all from the past 2 years I have things ike previous schedules he's agreed too but not stuck too as well.
My ex is very emotionally and mentally abusive to me and is continuing to be before we've even had our meeting blaming me for his inconcisteny etc. How I've stopped him seeing his child, never the case!
Does it even matter if he's been inconsistent as mediation is ultimately coming to a agreement for the future?
I am unsure how it will work but I have more than enough evidence to back up any false claim he will throw at me but wonder if it will actually be relevant to any outcome.

I guess I know in future he won't stick to this for long anyway so just gives me a better leg to stand on if needed.

OP posts:

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 08/09/2025 20:34

Unfortunately all contact arrangements mean is that you have to make the child available to the NRP, they don't have to show up and it's deemed OK.

The system is shit.

Original poster

Smell9696 · 08/09/2025 20:38

I know it won't take long after this for him to get back into his old ways so I'm thinking after this step I just let contact go and will take it no further.

It's just so frustrating when 2/3 months later he wants to see our child again and there's not much I can do about it without stopping contact which I've been told isn't the right thing to do, it's so hard!

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2025 20:47

I think you can put ‘reliability’ as an agenda item and state that for contact to continue he needs to improve his reliability and stop cancelling or being late - the mediators will defo back you on that, mine did. But hold it mind they’ll also pressure you to make things as equal as possible like give up more time with your kids and holidays and birthdays etc (if he wants that).
I think you should agree a schedule he can’t commit to even if it’s just once a month.

TalulaHalulah · 08/09/2025 20:54

Are you instigating this?
if your ex is not actively asking for contact and being flakey with what he does have, I honestly would not spend money or time on this. As a previous poster said, even if you have a court order, all it means is that you have to make DC available, no court can make someone parent.
They can, however, hold you in contempt of court if you do not make DC available.
if you are going ahead with it, which it sounds like you are, be very, very clear about what you want out of it. And then push the next mediation appointment into the long grass by saying you will see how it goes.

Original poster

Smell9696 · 08/09/2025 21:04

I did start the mediation as he was keeping on at me for more contact and I was saying no due to the inconsistency.

I kind of wish I hadn't now. I guess I could pull out as it is the first stage?

OP posts:

TalulaHalulah · 08/09/2025 21:37

I think just be aware that it’s mediation and not binding.
Do you have a clear idea in your head what level of contact and on what schedule would work for your DC? Because it should be about the best interests of the child and what works for them. So if you can make that argument - along with consistency and reliability - and get a schedule agreed, then it is up to him to stick to it or not. That is not something you can make him do.
Just be wary of getting sucked into endless mediations which bleed you dry and don’t actually change anything.

Original poster

Smell9696 · 08/09/2025 21:40

Yes I have a clear and I believe fair outcome of what we should agree on however I'm sure my ex would disagree as a lot of it i.e overnights I am saying will depend of his consistency for x amount of month's which I think is fair but obviously he won't!

If that is the case would the mediator be on my side or would they just wait until we came to an agreement?

OP posts:

TalulaHalulah · 08/09/2025 22:09

Smell9696 · 08/09/2025 21:40

If that is the case would the mediator be on my side or would they just wait until we came to an agreement?

Edited

In my experience, the mediator did not take sides. That is not their role.

We had an individual meeting each where we raised what we wanted to discuss and then a joint meeting (and endless more) where we saw what the other person wanted and then discussed what we could agree on and where the sticking points were.
It was helpful to have the mediator because they did not allow ex to go over old ground again when it had been ticked off so to speak, so it moved the conversation on in some respects, but as ex was not prepared to reach agreement without his demands being entirely met, whilst at the same time in practice not keeping to what he was asking for, it was entirely pointless. It just provided an expensive forum for him to harass me.
Mediation relies on two reasonable people who are prepared to compromise; I think you will see pretty quickly whether that is what you have.

Original poster

Smell9696 · 08/09/2025 22:16

Can I ask what happened after that with yourself as I believe this is what wi
happen for us too.

Was yours in regards to child contact also?

OP posts:

TalulaHalulah · 08/09/2025 22:25

It was child contact.
The pandemic came along which usefully got me out of the mediation cycle. I just said no more.
What happened? Nothing. The contact did not increase, until DC was old enough to ask his dad to take him on trips away and now it is basically what DC wants to do. His dad even said to me in the summer he is not bothered now as he sees DC enough (!!)
His dad got a girlfriend as well so I think that had something to do with it.
I think it is hard because it cost me a lot of money and there was no actual input from him in parenting terms in the end. But you can but try.

TalulaHalulah · 08/09/2025 22:27

I acknowledge that I have a very negative opinion of it, and all you can do is give it a go with the best intentions. But if it starts to feel like money down the drain, stop. If he wants to resolve matters, he will engage properly.

Original poster

Smell9696 · 08/09/2025 22:29

Yes I think it may end this way for us, he is so argumentative and abusive emotionally that I think maybe after even one meeting I will be saying no more and I guess it is then up to him to sort out contact and at least I have tried this route.

It's such a difficult situation isn't it.
He hasn't cared for almost 2 years and now wants Christmas/overnights etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smell9696 · 08/09/2025 22:30

My ex also now has a girlfriend where I believe this is all now coming from!

OP posts:

TheSandgroper · 09/09/2025 18:22

Get into whatever agreement you manage to cobble together a time limit as to how long you wait for him to actually make contact happen. If he is supposed to collect dc at 9 am, get it written that at 9.20, you consider the window closed and can carry on with your day.

You don’t want him haranguing you for denying contact because you haven’t got dc still waiting with bated breath at 1.30pm.

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