Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Child Arrangements Order Advice

27 replies

Wiseman1984 · 05/09/2025 12:45

Hi MN

I'm looking for some opinions/advice from anyone who has been through the court process for a child arrangements order. Or just opinion in general really.

My ex and I have done 50/50 shared care of our child (8 years old) for 5 out of 7 years of separation. 2 years it was amended temporarily due to where she wanted to send our son to school and I lived too far to continue with 50/50.

I then relocated my home and job to near my sons school to restore 50/50 and this has been back in place a year.

My ex has a habit of changing informal agreements so in March 2025, I applied for a consent order via a c100 to be made legally binding. Ex and I both negotiated the terms, signed, and dated the agreement which I then submitted.

Ex has now opposed to c100 application and wants to revert to the agreement we had in place over a year ago when I lived far away. No reason has been given and our child is thriving with the 50/50 set up. She wants me to have our son Friday night week 1 and Friday night to Monday morning week 2 which is a significant reduction.

Is the court likely to consider this? I can’t see how they would or why they would reduce my child’s time with me.

For context, CAFCASS raised no safeguarding concerns and there’s no history of any abuse.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 05/09/2025 14:37

The court will consider it, but it is unlikely they will grant it.

TizerorFizz · 06/09/2025 10:22

No reason to change it. The interests of your child are paramount not the ex wanting something different. If dc is thriving there’s little change that change is in child’s interests.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2025 12:38

You should go to mediation and ask her why and try to work with her. Maybe child wants to change? Maybe they prefer their bed at mums house and that’s something you can easily adjust? There could be lots of reasons but you should listen to it. I’m a mum with majority care and if my child was really thriving in 5050 I wouldn’t change things and lose my free evenings and chance to have a social and sex life!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2025 12:39

But I think court would just continue the status quo if it came to it

TizerorFizz · 06/09/2025 15:19

This will be about ex, not the child. I’m assuming the child has not mentioned beds and wanting a change. I expect it’s ex driven as the school arrangements are working. However at 8 it might be about being in a club and seeing friends but 4/14 nights isn’t much and it’s a big reduction.

Original poster
Wiseman1984 · 06/09/2025 19:07

The child doesn’t want a change and has specifically said they love the fact they have equal time with both parents. He always says he sleeps better and feels more settled at our house as his mother has had 6 house moves in 6 years whereas we’ve only had our home. I am aware at 8 their opinions won’t be taken into consideration though.

He has a club on a Thursday with me and a club on a Monday with his mum so it’s nothing to do with that.

It is out of spite and financially motivated as I’ve paid substantial maintenance up until June and then stopped as I was made aware maintenance is no longer due if 50/50. She then changed her mind in July.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 06/09/2025 19:16

@Wiseman1984 If you earn a lot more what about offering to pay more? Eg holiday or school uniform? I don’t like the idea of 50/50 means the higher earner doesn’t have to help out with money. If, and only if, you have more money, offer to help a bit more?

hungrypanda4 · 06/09/2025 19:27

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2025 12:38

You should go to mediation and ask her why and try to work with her. Maybe child wants to change? Maybe they prefer their bed at mums house and that’s something you can easily adjust? There could be lots of reasons but you should listen to it. I’m a mum with majority care and if my child was really thriving in 5050 I wouldn’t change things and lose my free evenings and chance to have a social and sex life!

Edited

The most likely explanation is that she misses the child maintenance that OP likely paid when he saw the child less. Can’t really think of any other reason for such a dramatic reduction in contact.

hungrypanda4 · 06/09/2025 19:29

Just read OP’s update in the comments and I was correct - unsurprisingly.

hungrypanda4 · 06/09/2025 19:30

TizerorFizz · 06/09/2025 19:16

@Wiseman1984 If you earn a lot more what about offering to pay more? Eg holiday or school uniform? I don’t like the idea of 50/50 means the higher earner doesn’t have to help out with money. If, and only if, you have more money, offer to help a bit more?

Why on earth should he pay for his ex’s holiday? Confused Separation means a reduction in lifestyle and finances. I don’t know why so many posters on MN fail to understand this.

TizerorFizz · 06/09/2025 23:48

@hungrypanda4 I meant pay for child whether it was OP’s turn or not. Not ex’s holiday! If this has come about due to money then it’s possible money could bring the arrangement back into kilter. It’s just stressful to wait for courts etc and what about dc? Being fought over isn’t acceptable. Can any compromise be found? That’s really what I’m suggesting and only if there’s an obvious financial imbalance. If there if f it’s a non starter - of course!

Original poster
Wiseman1984 · 07/09/2025 06:53

@hungrypanda4 I ensured during our divorce she received a majority share of the finances to ensure she could buy a property and be financially secure. She subsequently never brought a property, has moved in with various boyfriends over the years and blown all of the money.

She has now had to be housed by the council due to abuse from her last partner and being declared homeless. There’s nothing wrong with being housed by the council, but my point is this wouldn’t have been necessary if she wasn’t financially irresponsible.

Even if I did offer more money, it wouldn’t be used for my son’s wants or needs.

I am very generous with finances. I brought all of my son’s uniform, shoes, bag, stationery, PE kit etc recently, and didn’t ask for a penny. I solely pay for his horse riding as I know it’s expensive and his mother isn’t in a position to.

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 07/09/2025 11:33

Wiseman1984 · 07/09/2025 06:53

@hungrypanda4 I ensured during our divorce she received a majority share of the finances to ensure she could buy a property and be financially secure. She subsequently never brought a property, has moved in with various boyfriends over the years and blown all of the money.

She has now had to be housed by the council due to abuse from her last partner and being declared homeless. There’s nothing wrong with being housed by the council, but my point is this wouldn’t have been necessary if she wasn’t financially irresponsible.

Even if I did offer more money, it wouldn’t be used for my son’s wants or needs.

I am very generous with finances. I brought all of my son’s uniform, shoes, bag, stationery, PE kit etc recently, and didn’t ask for a penny. I solely pay for his horse riding as I know it’s expensive and his mother isn’t in a position to.

Edited

Given this I might be taking legal advice

TizerorFizz · 07/09/2025 12:16

@Wiseman1984 Id just let it take its course then. However she’s making the issue about money and I’d definitely see a solicitor now.

Original poster
Wiseman1984 · 07/09/2025 13:16

We have a consultation tomorrow with a solicitor. I was really hoping we wouldn’t need to go down this route but unfortunately it looks like I have no choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiseman1984 · 08/09/2025 18:06

We had a consultation with a solicitor today. It was very positive and ultimately we shouldn’t be worried. The onus is on the mother to provide a substantial reason as to why the status quo should be changed.

Given she raised no concerns to CAFCASS, CAFCASS also raised no concerns, we have it in writing from the school he is the most settled he has ever been and we are all happy with the set up, there isn’t really a reason she can bring up that the courts will hold much weight to.

Hopefully a bit of pressure from our solicitor will get it sorted sooner rather than later 🤞

Thank you for your replies and support.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 09/09/2025 19:50

@Wiseman1984 That sounds like sensible advice to me. A settled child is a happy child and they should not be manipulated to suit a parent.

Londongirl8922 · 13/09/2025 13:52

Courts will look at it for the child’s best interest and if child is thriving I doubt they would change anything

Original poster
Wiseman1984 · 13/09/2025 17:09

I hope so 🤞

We have written a letter to her solicitor asking what the issue is as she hasn’t actually given me a reason as to why she wants to change it. Given no concerns were raised to CAFCASS or me, I struggle to see what significant reason she can come up with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiseman1984 · 19/09/2025 17:09

Just an update and wanted some feedback or thoughts…

We have managed to agree that during term time the arrangement stays the same with me having 6 nights and her 8 over a 2 week period.

She wants holidays split equally as she wants to take our child on holiday for 2 weeks. I have said no, as this then means the split is not equal, but I have agreed I have no objections to her taking our child away for 2 weeks.

She then wants it as a ‘live with, spends time’ with order rather than a ‘shared care’ arrangement. No reason has been given as to why, but this will be a power trip thing so she can use a trump card that she’s more important. I have refused this as this is not the reality of the set up.

The last point is she wants to change our child’s GP to hers. I have refused as she has moved house 6 times in 6 years and keeps changing GP. I own my property and have no intention to move so feel it makes sense to keep him under my GP. I do not see how this change would benefit our child. She also has the dentist near hers so feel this is a fair compromise so I don’t have to travel over to where she lives everything my son has an appointment.

Do you feel any of my refusals are unreasonable? These are the only 3 points we haven’t yet agreed.

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 19/09/2025 17:15

All seems pretty reasonable to me

What does your solicitor say?

Original poster
Wiseman1984 · 20/09/2025 09:06

@JohnofWessex our solicitor advised us to push back on the live with order as no reason was provided as to why she seeks a live with over a shared care arrangement.

She asked for us to provide instructions regarding the holiday and GP points which is where I disagreed as per the reasons in my previous post. Our solicitor then added the points in to the letter and it was submitted.

She didn’t really advise on these but I am assuming if I was been unreasonable, she would have pointed it out? I will ask for clarity on Monday.

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 20/09/2025 09:24

The main issue is that there is already an agreement signed by you both, why is your ex suddenly saying no?

Original poster
Wiseman1984 · 20/09/2025 09:37

@JohnofWessex apparently she signed it with no legal advice, under pressure from me and was vulnerable due to her abusive relationship ending.

To clarify, there was no time limit on it so she could have sought legal advice. It was negotiated via email and I added all of her points in that she wanted. It was then signed in her mother’s house with her mother and step father present and me alone so she was under no duress.

It is financially motivated as I stopped maintenance in June and she changed her mind in July.

She is missing the point though. Regardless of whether she felt pressure or any other factors, the set up works and our child is happy and settled. That’s the main priority.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 21/09/2025 08:09

Why do parents argue over what’s equal for them?! It’s about the child. If a child is better served by time with parents not being equal, so be it. This arrangement is not about dividing up a cake into portions. It’s about a human being and parents squabbling over their “equal” time in holidays is poor. You already have 6/14 so less time so one could see ghdd ex holiday times remaining similar split over a 2 or 6 week period unless a holiday is booked for 2 weeks. That’s not difficult to negotiate. 8 nights presumably leads to ex being the resident parent.