NRP seeking full time custody

[Autumnalworrier]

My sister is worried and I am struggling to find clear advice.

2 years ago her marriage broke down. Her husband moved to home to scotland following poor mental health. They plan to divorce, though haven't yet (more to avoid cost and hassle rather than an intention to reconcile). He has come down to spend a weekend with their two children (7 and 5) every 6-8 weeks or so. He speaks regularly to them on face time and has had them up to his parents house in scotland for periods of time over the holidays (this year a week or so at Christmas and Easter and three weeks over the summer.). When he first moved to scotland he was flaky with contact and seemed to rely on his parents for child care, but this has improved more recently.

He has now told DSis he is wanting full custody of the children with her essentially having the same level of contact he has had (occasional weekends and holidays).

He has told her he has had legal advice and been told it will likely be granted. He says the lawyer told him this was likely as the quality of life was better where he was because his local school is very good, he is unemployed so no need for childcare (she works full time and uses wrap around care as well as family), big house and garden in a nice area (she lives in a small house in the city).

I do not see how cafcass would recommend fulltime residence with a parent who voluntarily left for 2 years. My neices enjoyed visiting him, but they are loved here with family with a routine and settled into school. Arguably a big house in the countryside with the grandparents would be lovely compared to life in the city, but it isn't even his house, it is his parents.

DSis will try and see a lawyer ASAP, but in the meantime does anyone have advice which might help her sleep more easily? In my opinion she has been quite good at putting the children first, facilitating contact even when she has had to drive 6 hours to do it.

The children have only ever visited for holidays, they have no other links to the area. School would be a different system too and they are very attached to their mother who had been their primary carer.

Unlikely to be granted. At all. I doubt in situation given the distance between the 2 parents he’d even be given 50/50 - which courts are hugely in favour of.

get her to gather all evidence of his previous lack of contact and current arrangement

I also think he is lying about the legal advice he has had. She should call his bluff and ask for a formal letter from his solicitor setting out his “case” and his intentions - doubt he will

Your sister needs to seek urgent legal advice. Some aspects of English law are different to Scottish too. Personally, I can't see a Judge granting full residency to your sister's ex, simply for the reasons he states. A Judge is there to decide what's in the best interest of the children. Is it really in their best interests to uproot them from everything in their life, to move to Scotland and live with their Dad??!! No. You sister's ex chose to move to Scotland, he could have stayed close by, and had more contact, but he didn't, he chose to move away.

No one has told him that unless he's hearing voices.

He’s just made that up. Likely granted 🤣. He’s full of shit.

Thank you all. Rationally I thought this might be the case, but it will help ease her mind to hear it from others.

The legal advice surprised me too- he isn't generally controlling or abusive or anything so she has no reason to think he is making it up. He said he was advised to speak to her first (as though she might just agree!) and the next stage is a formal letter and court proceedings. I think she would rather see a lawyer just now incase he does go further, but this is all useful in the meantime.

I think we are all just a bit blindsided. He was a good dad and she accepted his need to move for his mental health. I just don't understand how he can't see how detrimental this would be for the children.

Thanks again!

There is no way he’ll get that!

In her position I’d offer every other weekend, close to where the children live. That’s a significant offer to increase contact, which he will no doubt refuse, and then he can think about the solicitor etc if he wants.

Child arrangements aren't made based on who has the nicest house!

An unemployed, mentally unwell dad who lives with his parents and sees his kids every few weeks is not suddenly going to be granted full custody. It's pure fantasy.

She should probably get a child arrangement order officially now though to state the children live with her, otherwise he could just choose not to return them after a visit.

^^^

I agree it would be a very good idea to obtain an order for residence.

please encourage her to do this. I had to get an emergency hearing for my children to be returned to me in a similar situation. It’s called a ‘lives with order’

Yes I agree she should ask him to put in writing all of the reasons why he thinks the change should happen. Only communicate in writing.
also she should agree to attend mediation but not say much, just note down all of his points and hear any potential criticisms of her /her school/ after school club etc so she can prepare her defense.
its extremely that this would happen when children are so well settled and where he hadn’t seen them often and he has those mental health issues. Also, he has to apply to family court in England close to children’s homes.
she should offer him more - make it clear every other weekend is available to him if he’ll travel to England to see them and half of school holidays.

Ah ok- better get the ball rolling. I guess if he keeps them it will be harder for her to get them back (and hugely upsetting). I guess she would just have to physically grab them back. I hope they aren't ever faced with that. (I can't imagine it, but then I didn't imagine this so who knows!).

She will see a solicitor shortly. Hopefully it won't take too long to straighten out. Poor DSis has had a bit of a fright, but it seems the consensus is he is crazy. Perhaps the solicitor is just telling him what he wants to hear.

Someone else mentioned 50/50 being unlikely- I hope so. It is over 300 miles away with totally different school systems so I can't see how it would work at all. And his parents are aging- what happens to the house if they die or need care? (He has multiple siblings so I doubt he has been left the whole house).

Thank you for taking the time to answer everyone who has. It is a relief to hear it is not likely. (The prospect of court being involved is still pretty daunting).

Thank you- this is also great advice.

Yeah that won't happen, unless there is evidence of abuse or significant concerns in relation to mum (significant MH, substance misuse etc). A child won't be moved from their place of residence, be moved to a new area, new school, new friendship groups etc unless there is a very clear child led reason. He is unemployed, doesn't have his own home and has had limited contact with his children due to mental health difficulties, this is not something that Cafcass would prioritise. I don't believe he has actually had legal advice as I can't see any solicitor in their right mind saying confidently that he would secure full custody, let alone no Scottish solicitor would likely take him on as the child care legislation is very different between the two countries. I've not worked for Cafcass but work with them a lot and I know they can be flawed at times but their not that daft. Tell her to seek her own legal advice, document her evidence re contact to date and give some thoughts to what she sees as a reasonable offer. Ensure in any discussions she remains child focused.

The thing to remember about "legal advice" is that they give the advice on what the person tells them the situation is.

My ex was told he would likely get full custody of our girls, and that he should put in for an emergency order because of the gravity of the situation.

He had portrayed a situation of neglected children who were being deprived food, who weren't being taken to school, who were banished to their bedrooms and not allowed to mix with the rest of the household and he was being refused access to them.

The fact I had two girls in their bedrooms with highly contagious norovirus that we didn't want passing on, that they'd missed 3 days of school and didn't feel like eating. The fact he wasn't allowed access to them was because he's not allowed in my home due to his previous violence.

Had explained the situation as it truly was the "legal advice" would have been very different

Basically get legal advice asap in particular should he be allowed contact until lives with/child arrangements have been sorted out.

His solicitors can then contact yours

I had similar issues with my ex wife, all manner of threats and bullshit that came to nothing

I agree he’s unlikely to be awarded residency.

“judge, I had a breakdown and so left my wife and kids and moved 300 miles away. I see my Kids once every 2 months and for half of 3 of the school holidays. I don’t work and live in my parents house. I think I’d be the better parent for my children”

When it’s presented like that ^^

How is he intending to pay for his children? If he's going to care for them 100% of the time because he's unemployed - then where is the money coming from to bring them up? Even you would only have to contribute through CMS (which we all know isn't anything like enough to bring up a child).

Your summary is perfect. Put like that it's not great. Hopefully all will be well. Of course, as others say it will be all how he presents the information. The big house, the great schools, the land of milk and honey vs the overstretched working mother.

@vroomfondleswaistcoat I've no idea of his financial plans? Bank of mum and dad perhaps, though historically they haven't been very generous financially. Maybe the prospect of their grandchildren living with them is worth paying for. I presume they would have to fund the lawyer too as that wont be cheap. I assume he would get child benefit and maintenance, but it's not going to be a huge amount.

Thanks to those saying get advice ASAP thank you, message received. She will sort it out before the children have their next visit. Meantime she can look through messages to note down all the useful times and dates.