Child Custody/Seperation

[PithyTaupeTiger]

Mine and my ex's relationship broke down. We have 2 young children 3 and 6 who have lived in our family home their entire lives. Thriving in nursery and school. We weren't married at the time and the house was in my name. I had planned to leave and live elsewhere for a period, whilst we sorted a longterm plan out living in different properties as to keep us both nearby.

We had many arguments and 2 weeks ago the ex left the house to go to a refuge and blocked all contact with me. It's been devastating for me and my family who also live very nearby and are a big part of our boys lives. We've provided everything for them since birth.

We never had any police reports or social services, violence, anything, we just had a lot of toxic arguments when the relationship broke down, but a friend put it into her head that she'd be able to get benefits/free housing on the DVV route as she is a non-eu national. Apparently not much evidence is required, so I feel this is the route she may be trying. The boys lives have been turned completely upside down, from living in their lifelong home, to being stuck in a refuge without their family support network. It's a move that has shocked my whole family.

I was the childrens primary carer for the past year, doing the majority of school and nursery runs, as mum was out 12 hours a day, but now I am only entitled to 1 video call per week as it's a long legal process, which so far the mum hasn't granted.

All very frustrating. If anyone has any legal advice. We have a custody hearing in 2 months time, not having access to my kids until then at the minimum is very difficult.

Likely to go 50/50 if no DV. Unless proven (which is very hard, unfortunately, for genuine DV victims).
Why was she out of the house 12 hrs a day?

If you genuinely want to be a big part of your children’s lives going forward, then you need to let go of the anger you feel towards their mum, and focus on what is best for the children.

Some things which you could think about:

In your op you say that you and your family have provided everything for them since birth, but you also say their mum is out of the house for 12 hours. It sounds to me like she is also working and supporting them, in which case you need to acknowledge the value of her contribution.

Why is the house in your name? Think really long and hard about whether this was fair if the kids mum was also contributing and was taking time out of work for maternity leave etc. Should she be entitled to a share?

You mention toxic arguments and it sounds to me like your ex is genuinely scared of you. Can you find and propose a temporary contact schedule where you see the kids every week? This is most likely to succeed if it involves someone else who has a positive relationship with your wife doing handovers, or if it involves pick up / drop off from school and if it involves contacting her only about the children and only through a recorded parenting app.

I think that one of the most constructive things which you can do is go through the formal process to get access to your kids. As part of that make sure that however much time you are applying for you can manage completely independently with no expectations on your ex (eg pick up from school, look after for the weekend , drop back to school, providing everything required )