Seeking Advice: How to Break Free from the Family Court Deadlock

[sophiayao]

I am a single mother raising two daughters in London. I never imagined the road through the family court system would be this difficult.

My ex-husband has a long history of alcohol addiction. For the safety of my children and myself, I had no choice but to divorce. Later, due to his drinking, he suffered a traumatic brain injury. While he has some speech difficulties, his daily life is fully functional – he rides a bike, drives, works, and manages everything normally.

A few months ago, I paid for an independent medical assessment by Professor G.C. Fox without choice. The conclusion was that he “lacks litigation capacity.” This has now become a loophole he uses to avoid responsibility. The court gave him until 11 August to appoint a litigation friend, but he has simply refused. Meanwhile, he does not contribute to the mortgage, does not pay child maintenance, and continues to occupy the house that my parents originally bought for me. Behind him, there is also a so-called “friend” constantly giving him manipulative advice, making the situation worse.

I work, pay rent, raise the children, and shoulder all the legal fees alone. The cases are stuck because of a procedural loophole, and I am running out of strength and resources to continue.

Looking back, my biggest regret was putting his name on the property deed – something I did only because he took out a loan for house renovation. That decision now leaves me trapped.

I know I am not the only single mother struggling in this system. I share this because I am exhausted, and because I hope someone out there might offer advice, support, or even just understanding.

How can I continue? How can I bring this case to an end?

Ask the court for the official solicitor to be appointed as he lacks capacity.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.gov.uk/government/organisations/official-solicitor-and-public-trustee/about&ved=2ahUKEwjWi9uFsZ6PAxUNXkEAHf0vB5IQFnoECD8QAQ&usg=AOvVaw09NDMqxOhPsIKTJweBlq_R

What stage are you at? Quickest way to end things is to agree.
If you can't agree a final hearing will arrive which will decide these issues for you. If he has drinking problems is he taking hair strand tests? Has one been clear yet?

Has he been deemed a direct risk to the children?

So you’ve got two separate issues the children and the finances where are you at with both?

We are currently have 3 hearings on Financial settlement, 2 hearings on child arrangements and the third hearing on a child arrangements hearing will happen next week. All these hearings turned out NOTHING!I feel like I’m stupid for wasting money on this; he just messes up every time and pays nothing

I tried alllll my best to reach an agreement with him. Unfortunately, my ex-husband has refused to cooperate in the proceedings whatsoever and even withdrew his previous consent under external influence.

He has ongoing alcohol problems and has not taken any hair strand tests yet, despite being advised to do so. There hasn’t been any clear test result. But he is stilll drinking alcohol now, but he lied to everyone, even in the court, also he has his driving license back?!!!!!

CAFCASS previously recommended that the children live with me, and there are concerns around his drinking and lack of capacity, but he hasn’t been formally deemed a “direct risk” by the court yet. Also he told CAFCASS that he agreed to chage chilld's surname to mine, but after being influenced by his "friend", he said no .

I’m a single mother struggling financially; I can’t afford a solicitor anymore and I’m preparing to represent myself next week, because i know it wont have any result, because he didnt have a litigation frinend. It feels very stuck.

Thanks, I will have to look at this.
But during these hearings, I felt the court didn’t really want to deal with it. They asked him to appoint someone and gave him a deadline of 11 August, which he obviously missed on purpose. So now the court has given this deadline to me: if he can’t appoint someone, I have to apply for one on his behalf by 1 September. That’s totally unfair to me. We applied one before, the judge refused, the reason is that this person doesn't know him???????

The court also mentioned the Official Solicitor before, but this process can take months or even years. My solicitor said I have to pay for this cost?!
The solicitor I am having now has already cost me a lot.

Yes, I started financial settlement in 2023, he pissed me off. I started the child's arrangement last year, I only wish to change my daughter's surname to mine, but, no hearings have come to a result, I feel frustrated. stuck forever.

Obviously, this will not be official advice from anybody but I just changed my daughter’s name by deed poll in the UK. Nobody ever checked anything. Didn’t even ask to see her birth certificate.

oh really?! Don't you need the ex's consent for that? My ex told CAFCASS that he agreed to chage chilld's surname to mine, but after being influenced by his "friend", he said no . If possibly no need the consent from ex, i will try it! so disappointed about the family court and the judge.

If your ex has parental responsibility, you need his consent or a court order to change your child's surname. It is true that there are no checks, but any name change that does not have the consent of everyone with PR or a court order is invalid.

Yeah, thats what I thought, really difficult,

I would not die on the hill of a name. Honestly there’s more to sort out than that! Others have good advice about speeding things up but choose your battles!

Well yes of course you need his consent. If you tell him, if you don’t tell him just change it let him call her whatever he wants when he has her which is never and you call her what you wanna call her the rest of the time.
My point was nobody checks these things so you can pretty much do what you want
You’re gonna have to learn pretty fast how much you are willing to share in terms of information with your ex that will then be used against you

Thank you, I understand what you mean about choosing my battles. It’s just been so frustrating with all the delays and lack of cooperation from him, so sometimes the name issue feels like one more thing on top of everything else. The both cases can not move forward now, they all stuck!

I will try to apply for it , will see 🙏 Thank you！

Having been through family court and come out the other side I want to share as much as I can to help you.
Firstly, please don’t let the injustice and unfairness get to you because you wouldn't even believe just how crazy unfair and unjust it can be. There is no point in letting it get to you. It helped me to know that I wasn’t alone in that. My story isn't even that bad in the grand scheme of things, though at the time it felt like it would end my world. My children are my world, so….

Just let that stuff go. It is what it is. The fact he has had you made responsible for his responsibility is mind boggling but in the context of family court it's actually pretty normal.

So these hearings, what are they? You have a first hearing and a final hearing then in between it's what's prescribed by the judge. So what is this next hearing?

Is he having contact with the kids at present? If he doesn't do his hair strand tests ordered by the court he won't be able to will he? So are these hearings just seeming like formalities?

Rep yourself, just ask the judge for what you want, it's all you can do and all a solicitor would do, but probably badly because they're not you and don’t know or care about what you want above being paid.
Lastly, how about changing your own last name to match your daughter’s? Use deed poll.

I also want to change on her passport, does it work without a court order

Again, the official advice will be don’t do it
But I did without consequence
Sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission

The passport office should only accept a change of name if it is legal, i.e. you have the consent of everyone with PR or an appropriate court order.

yeah,that’s the deadlock. No way out ,

That’s true, Will try, !