I'm in a really difficult situation and fraught with worry. I would like to see if any of you have been in a similar situation, and how CAFCASS / family court handled things for you.
Brief background:
I have an 8 year old daughter.
6 years ago, my mother (and then myself) spoke at length to the police, social services and a doctor, about my then spouse (a verbally vicious, erratic, narcissist), their treatment of me (mostly non physical but mentally abusive), and some milder concerns about treatment of our child at that time. This amounted to several lists of allegations - but all were requested to be kept confidential. Just to have them on record incase I ever needed them, and to get any advice. I had been led to believe at the time, that if I asked for things to remain confidential, they never would be shared with my then spouse. Sure enough, spouse was never brought to the attention of the matters I had raised. Thank God!
In present day however, with my Ex about to move to an hour away from me, a Child Arrangement Order is very likely to be sought - by my Ex. (Ex thinks a CAO can be weaponized to hurt me, as yet another way to help them feel good about themself and create a fight to keep themselves entertained. Ex lives for creating arguments and drama. Whilst I maintain the quiet, unassuming grey rock as usual.) I've said we don't need a CAO - which is my way of trying to avoid where possible, any conflict with this person. And that I'll just have our child when it suits my Ex, which is the way it has been for the last 4 years anyway.
The big problem, is that from my research, I understand that when a CAO is instigated, CAFCASS immediately go through both parties records (police, social services, maybe doctor). And anything they "think" is relevant, they flag in a report or letter, and they give copies of this to both parties and the CAO judge.
That is literally my worst nightmare. My Ex is toxic enough as it is, all the mental games, "mini punishments" to keep me in control of their wishes, and co parenting is often a nightmare. So if they received a report, detailing even 1 thing that I said, or my mother said, about them "behind their back" years ago, it's guaranteed they'll take massive "revenge", and our child will be alienated from me.
Like most people in this situation, I just want to as quietly and peacefully get on with me life as much as possible, and have tried hard for years to encourage this. (Though always outside of my control, as everything is like stepping on thin ice. Non issues are constant wild fire dramas that leave me exhausted).
Anyway, I found this online about CAFCASS which sounds relevant:
source: divorce.wikivorce.com/child-proceedings-guide/procedure/05-schedule-2-letters.html
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CAFCASS may discuss the information received with the relevant party and with the other parent, but only if there are child welfare issues. They may only include in the report police information which is relevant to the child’s welfare. (In our case, any child welfare issues were raised 6 years ago, requested to be kept confidential, and were treated confidentally. Other than a social worker doing a "routine" checkup on my then-spouse at the time with our young one, and taking no further action. I said at the time in conclusion, that our child was "happy and healthy", which was broadly true.)
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They may not give copies of police documentation to the parties or their legal representatives, or attach copies to the report.
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CAFCASS may pass on police information to social services but only where there are urgent child protection issues or for the preparation of a Section 7 report. (in our case, there are no urgent child protection issues.)
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The Schedule 2 letters must deal only with matters of safety, and the CAFCASS Family Court Advisor must not discuss any other matters with the parties; it is important that these matters are left until the Court hearing, so that both parties can know what issues the other has raised and so be on an ‘equal footing’.
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Under Paragraph 3.9 of Practice Direction 12B the Court must inform the parties of the contents of this report unless it would create a risk of harm to a party or to the child (the applicant is a menace not only to the child but also to their ex). The Court must also consider whether there is need of,
· A risk assessment; or
· A finding of fact hearing to determine the actuality of any allegations made.
However, what does this mean in reality?
- At what point do you bring the matter of keeping confidential things said in the past, still confidential, with CAFCASS or the COURT?
- How far do you have to go to convince CAFCASS / court not to share previously undisclosed allegations, that were made confidentially, with your Ex? Especially in a case where, despite your Ex's failings, you do feel your child is safe and happy "enough", and you're happy to go along with whatever child schedule your Ex wants, for the sake of peace.
- What guarantees will CAFCASS / court give that they won't reveal things to your Ex, that would massively inflame tensions going forwards?
For example, does CAFCASS have any thresholds? Like, would they see stuff that was said to the police / social services 6 years ago, and think to themselves, well, no action was taken 6 years ago, and the matter was requested to be kept confidential at that time. No child welfare allegations have been made by the parent (or grandparent) in the last 6 years to authorities. And the parent when interviewed with CAFCASS officer on telephone recently, said the child is "happy and healthy" when child is with either parent. And parent has strongly requested not to disclose anything from the past to Ex, to avoid inflaming tensions. So ultimately, the undisclosed allegations from the past, will NOT be noted in the letter/report to the Ex.
That would be ideal.
So -- Anyone been in a similar situation, where you didn't want confidential things from the past, to be flagged to your Ex by CAFCASS/Court? And did they oblige, to keep things as low-conflict as possible?
I wish it could just be as simple as CAFCASS calling me, and me saying: "Our child is safe and happy with my Ex. I have no concerns about my Ex that I feel would affect any child arrangement. I'll accept whatever arrangement I'm given - especially as nothing is worth the paper it's printed on, as everything ends up an adhoc schedule all over the place as and when suits my Ex. And even if my Ex has made out that laughable, I myself am the worst parent in the world, there's no point responding to such nonsense, especially as I'd be looking after our child as soon as my Ex wants a day out with friends. Ie, the whole CAO thing is a waste of time - yet another creation of drama and argument and something to try and hurt me with, where there is no need for any CAO at all."