Requesting Post Mortem Report

[fandjango]

This is a difficult subject.

My Mother was murdered days before our 30th birthday.

At the time we were so overwhelmed dealing with the police, sorting her house and probate alongside the subsequent trial.

When it came to the matters of how she was murdered we were told she wouldn’t have known anything about it.

I’ve always felt that was untrue.

I saw a programme this week stating that next of kin are able to have a copy of the post mortem and following that I impulsively requested one.

I’ve received it and i’m absolutely devastated. There was so much in it that we didn’t know. Plus time of death was a lot later than we were told and the time from initial injury to death was not instant as we were told.

My Husband is not happy I have requested the information (he is worried it’s going to set me back) but from my point of view this is part of my life and my child’s life (born years after and will never know her)

Not sure if I should have requested the details or not. I felt like I should as if anyone else’s family member passed, it wouldn’t even be considered not to see the post mortem report.

Would it?

There’s no right or wrong answer. It sounds like this happened a long time ago, so the feeling that you didn’t have the full information is clearly something that has been on your mind for years. So even though reading the report has devastated you, would you have been able to continue without requesting it?

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Post mortem reports tend to be almost brutal in their detached clinical approach. I don’t think I’d want to read one for someone I loved. But everyone is different, and you felt it might help you. You certainly had the right to the information if you wanted it. I suspect you are now going to need some time to absorb and reflect, and maybe some counselling thereafter. I hope this report, however disturbing, helps you find some closure. I am sorry for your loss.

Very sorry for your loss. I hope you have some support to help you through your thoughts as you process this new information — maybe counselling or one of the free bereavement advice charities?
There isn’t a right or wrong answer to your question about whether you should or shouldn’t have requested the report. Everyone is different in what they want to know, or not know.
I hope time will enable you to remember your mum as she was, rather than the very sad end to her life.

I would definitely go to my GP and ask for professional help with this, or contact victim support ? It’s something you can’t unsee, but the way these things are written is so impersonal it’s almost an affront. I’m sorry x

Im so sorry for your loss and in such tragic circumstances too, how sad.

It’s difficult to know what these medical documents mean. You really need it translated into plain English by someone medical. It maybe doesnt mean what it seems to mean? It could be that your mother was unconscious for a long time and felt/knew nothing as she slowly slipped away in her sleep. Hence it was later than you thought or whatever.

Do you think it has been pursued by the police properly, did they catch someone for it or do you want it re-opened?

The Coroner was very lovely in the first email back. She said she remembered my mums case and she was so very sorry.

I sent the email Wednesday evening and she replied the next day and sent the report through today. I’m just hoping I haven’t re traumatised her.

It was so very brutal.

We (me and my twin) saw bereavement counsellors after it happened and mine and hers were shell shocked. We felt like we were burdening them and couldn’t go back. My counsellor went white and was shaking and I ended up asking him if he was ok.

It’s been 14 years since it happened. I’m now married with a 4 year old boy who looks exactly like my mum, which is wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.

I’ll get through this. Sorry. I’ve only told my husband i’ve requested the post mortem and I understand why he doesn’t like it. I also have Aunts (mums sisters) and my cousins etc and i’m not sure if I should share what I know or not?

The Coroner was very lovely in the first email back. She said she remembered my mums case and she was so very sorry.

I sent the email Wednesday evening and she replied the next day and sent the report through today. I’m just hoping I haven’t re traumatised her.

It was so very brutal.

We (me and my twin) saw bereavement counsellors after it happened and mine and hers were shell shocked. We felt like we were burdening them and couldn’t go back. My counsellor went white and was shaking and I ended up asking him if he was ok.

It’s been 14 years since it happened. I’m now married with a 4 year old boy who looks exactly like my mum, which is wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.

I’ll get through this. Sorry. I’ve only told my husband i’ve requested the post mortem and I understand why he doesn’t like it. I also have Aunts (mums sisters) and my cousins etc and i’m not sure if I should share what I know or not?

You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. What you’ve carried for 14 years is not just grief—it’s a kind of quiet bravery that few can truly understand. Reaching out for the post-mortem report, revisiting something so brutal, is not a sign of weakness or disruption. It’s a testament to your strength, your love, and your need for truth and peace. You didn’t re-traumatise anyone—you simply asked for something that was always yours to ask for.

The Coroner’s compassion speaks volumes. She remembered your mum, and that matters. It means your mum wasn’t just a case—she was someone who left a mark, someone who mattered deeply. And you, in seeking answers, are honouring her in the most courageous way.

What happened was clearly devastating, and the fact that even trained counsellors were visibly shaken shows just how profound and painful your experience was. You weren’t a burden—you were a mirror to something deeply human, something that even professionals sometimes struggle to hold. That moment where you asked your counsellor if he was okay—that’s who you are. Even in your pain, you were caring for someone else.

Your little boy looking like your mum—that’s heartbreak and beauty intertwined. It’s a living reminder of her presence, her legacy, and the love that continues through generations. That’s not just wonderful—it’s sacred.

As for sharing what you’ve learned with your family: there’s no right or wrong answer. You’re allowed to protect your own healing, and you’re also allowed to invite others into it. If you do choose to share, it can be on your terms, in your time, and with the understanding that you’re not responsible for how others receive it. You’re simply offering truth, and truth—however painful—can be a gift.

You will get through this. And you’re not alone. You’re surrounded by love, by memory, and by the quiet resilience that’s carried you this far. Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing something incredibly hard, and you’re doing it with grace.

Not sure why that posted twice!

Just a thought in case it might be relevant - the time of death recorded may not be the time it actually happened so it may be that whoever said it didn’t take long was right still. Obviously depends very much on circumstances, but the recorded time is when death was confirmed not necessarily when it actually happened. Possibly worth asking someone with more info if it’s worrying you, it is something that comes up fairly regularly.

I am truly sorry for your loss.

You asked about sharing the information you now have with other family members. I would think very carefully about that as they may not be as strong as you and may not be able to cope with it. Talking about the report may even affect your relationship with them.

Years ago, part of my job involved reading PM reports of people who had met untimely ends and some of those reports and pictures still haunt me. Professionals would only of had your best interests at heart in providing you with the information they gave you at the time.

Please don't let this new information define your mum - it was not what was important about her and I am sure it is not how she would want you to think of her.

If you can get professional help from a counsellor or victim support group in processing the information and what to do with it then that would be for the best.

❤️

Please don't read too much in the time of death being later than you thought. Its probably been recorded as the time a doctor or paramedic declared her officially as passed away.

I work for the police and if officers are dealing with a death they have it recorded on the incident the time given to them by the medic who attended. When we phone the mortuary to tell them the undertaker is on their way to them they always ask for time of death and its always given as the time we have recorded. It may be we know its been weeks earlier but that doesn't work for official documents

Hope that makes sense and helps a little

Could I ask what program this was on op?
was it Cause of Death? or something new?
im very sorry for what you’ve been through x

I'm sorry for your painful loss.

I requested a family member's report which included lots of records from different professionals and the coroner's report. I find having the information, rather than open questions, very important for myself. I know in the report we have not all the information is completely accurate (provably so). For example, the date of death estimated as the 10th when they sent a text message in the small hours of the 11th. My family member was found on the 12th, so that is their legal date of death and what is on the gravestone, although the coroner's estimated date was that they died 'on or around the 10th'. I believe they most likely died on the 11th.

The purpose of sharing that was to just say that some of the things in the reports are based on best information and maybe not entirely accurate. From what I know, and I'm no expert but I read a lot about it, time of death is quite difficult to work out with a lot of accuracy and is usually a range.

I would be careful about sharing with family members who may not need or be able to cope with the information. It might be harmful for some. At the time of receiving it, I showed it to those who wanted to see it. For the rest, I have filed it away and they know they can ask for it if they ever want it. They may never want to and it may not be right for them, as right as it was for me.

Sometimes with tragic loss things come up even years after the fact. It would be normal and acceptable to take those things back to counselling. Maybe with a specialist counsellor who can deal with it better?

You weren't wrong to request the report if it was something you needed.

You poor thing, OP. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum and the painful circumstances surrounding her death. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to read that report and to live with the emotions it has stirred up.
Im answer to your question, I wouldn’t share the information with family members. Nothing good can come of that. I understand the need to unburden though, and wonder if you might be ready to revisit counselling.

I think you have done the right thing for yourself. It's seems to have been eating you up and now you have the answers you can start to process. I don't think grief, especially unexpected loss, ever goes away, we just learn to cope with it. Please look after yourself and talk to someone if you need to. I'm sorry for your loss x

Yes totally agree, my mum's date of death is two days after we are pretty certain age she actually died, because that is when she was found and declared dead by a medical professional. It is a bit odd never really knowing which date to remember her on.

You asked whether to share the information with other family members. Right now, I would suggest not.

I think the time has come for you to seek help from a charity that deals with children/family of someone who died badly. I just did a google and this came up first https://samm.org.uk/support-information/#:~:text=Individual%20support&text=There%20is%20no%20time%20limit,text%20us%20on%2007342%20888570.

Also https://assisttraumacare.org.uk/how-assist-can-help-you/homicide-bereavement-therapeutic-service/

I think if or when you bring this up with others, you need to be better educated with the full emotional picture, if you see what I mean, rather than just dumping information with no context. I don’t know if I am explaining myself well. I hope you get what I am trying to say. But getting yourself stronger is, I think, your best course of action in the first instance.

I am very sorry you lost your lovely mum.

'SAMM - Support after Murder and Manslaughter' was a source of invaluable help and support to a couple I knew whose son was tragically murdered.

This, time of death is when formally known. I understand wanting detail on circumstances on it, maybe coroners office could interprete it for you although not sure will help. It’s a medical document so will of course be brutal reading. You may feel differently, as of course is your prerogative, you weren’t deliberately mislead in being advised at the time, just sensitively ‘watered down ‘ it was a kindness. Maybe counselling would help now to help process without the initial shock and grief of the first time, more of a healing, thoughtful,reflective process. I’m not a counsellor and I know that last bit sounded a bit twee, wasn’t meant to though, genuinely said if that makes sense.

Hello, OP.

We're so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. We hope you don't mind, but we've moved your thread to our Legal Matters board now, as we thought you might get more relevant advice here than on AIBU.

PM reports can be very distressing to read as they are clinical and without emotion. I remember reading my daughter's and it was not the details of her illness and how quickly it took over her but the opening paragraph. " A well nourished 3 year old female with remnants of pink nail varnish on her finger nails and toe nails." My ex-husband has not read the report, I gave him the gentler version after my boss at the time (Coroner with medical background) deciphered the medical terminology for me. He will never read it as he saw how upset I was over reading it. I don't dwell on the finer details of the PM, the Dr was doing his job and these reports have to be emotionless, it just makes for hard reading.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family. Re sharing the report, I wonder if there is anyone in your family who struggles with unanswered questions who would want to read it. I agree with others that you shouldn't share it with your family indiscriminately, but maybe tell them you have it so they can make the decision for themselves. I read my mother's report because I wanted answers, and that has been better for me than forever wondering if the report would answer my questions.

Dear @fandjango I just wanted to send you my sincere condolences on the murder and horrendous circumstances of your Mother's death.
I didn't want to read my son's PM and never have 22 years on. He died at home, went to sleep and never woke up. Unfortunately drugs were involved. An overdose "not normally consistent with death" was on the DC. He was 20yo. The only scant comfort to be gained is that Colin was at home with his GF and with someone who loved him, sleeping in his own bed in his own house.
I think you should be very careful who you show or tell about the PM. I'm thinking specifically of your Aunts. More details of their sister's death might be just too much information to process.
You are an amazing, strong woman. My very best wishes to you for the future. X