Splitting when not married - property

[justfindingmyway]

Hi all, I would be ever so grateful for some advice and to hear about lived experience when it comes to a couple, not married and no kids, split up but own a home jointly. I’ve found MN users so helpful on my journey, which you can see on my other posts.

Now, the final hurdle (I hope) is selling the house and sorting the proceeds. The problem is, my abusive ex has changed the goal posts many times along the way. He was buying me out, strung me along for 4
months then said he couldn’t get a mortgage after telling me he’d sorted all of that (he’s self employed and this came to light after the new tax year, so I suspect declared earnings came into play). Then, he wanted to sell and agreed we would
do so and split the proceeds 50:50 given we are joint owners.

then, weeks passed, he sacked his solicitor who specialised in family law, and hired a solicitor who specialises in intellectual property. The approach is now fresh, and even more aggressive. He demanded more than 50%, which he later backed down on, but is now saying that he is going to remove a summerhouse he partially built in the garden (I didn’t want this, he destroyed a lovely garden in the process) or he’s going to tell ant prospective buyers that if they buy the house, they either pay him for the summerhouse, or he will remove it, which I imagine will leave an awful mess. It is already proving a struggle to sell due to the state he left things in (he was living there alone and quite frankly, he just did what he wanted to the house most of the time, if I said no, he’d kick off)

i am just feeling pretty worn down and hopeless now, which is perhaps what he wants. I’m worried that the equity will all be spent on legal costs, which is my deposit on a new place gone, and I’m worried it’ll end up in court and he’ll end up getting his way for more than 50% as he spent more on renovating, whilst I paid for furnishings.

he is also threatening to come after me for the costs of our wedding, which I cancelled as I knew I couldn’t marry this man but was also so scared to leave, knowing how he would be.

i would really appreciate any wisdom on this. I just want to move on work my life and it is such a weight to carry

Speak to women’s aid. They have a list of lawyers who have experience in assisting women who have abusive partners.

He is clearly trying to punish you. It makes him happy to upset you about the summer house. If you heartily endorsed the idea and said you think it would be great then he would probably drop the idea. Think strategically. Don’t let him know how you really feel - he has shown you that ge just wants to use that against you. I’m sorry.

Dear Ex, we stick to the original 50/50 agreement. Or, for every week/month you delay, I will require an extra 1% of the share of the property.

Thank you for your response. I do have a solicitor and she is a specialist in ‘cohabitation’, so I hope she will come good. I totally agree with you, it is punishment. I spent a long time
being upset and trying to figure out his thought processes and motives, but I realise I never will. I do wish I was smarter and knew how to get him to leave me alone. So far, the more I’ve conceded,
the more he demands. I don’t want to leverage him, but he is very ‘tax shy’ shall we say. I don’t want to be that person, but he is trying to destroy me. thank you again for your kind advice and taking the time to read x

Haha. I think the thing is nothing is enforceable unless a judge rules it so right? A solicitor can say this but I don’t think anything is legally binding unless it goes to court??

Talk to the Solicitor

BUT from when I got divorced 20 odd years ago if he does anything that potentially 'devalues' the house then it could be reflected in what he gets.

You can get the Court to 'take over' his role in the sale so he has no say in what happens and I think thats the only sensible route open to you.

Yes but start as you mean to go on. Formally and in writing. Bullies who are used to pushovers will sit up and take notice. Assert your position clearly and consistently (politely too), and if it did ever get to court you are covered, but reagdless its advice for life.

Thank you. I can’t see it not going to court, which I’m super anxious about. But I think if I don’t, he’ll just keep going until I get as little as he can get away with. I don’t want to end up bitter and cynical about relationships, but this has gone on so long and has taken over my life. I can’t wait to be out the other side!

Thank you, it sure is advice for life, I have learned so much. What is a shame is that the letters so far have all been on a ‘without prejudice’ basis, so I am not sure they’d be used in court at least not in the first instance