ExH has cut me off from DC

[DCCutOffFromMe]

Situation: Have 1 DC with now ExH, we split when DC was a toddler (DC is now 11, school year 6). Split due to ExH violence, control and abuse which was proven in criminal court but not in family court. There was court order giving me residency until DC was 8, when ExH took me back to court and was awarded 50/50, despite DC not wanting it, and ExH doing nothing bar have DC overnight.

DC is in receipt of Disability Living Allowance for speech and communication issues, sensory issues, dyslexia, dyspraxia and a mobility issue. I receive the DLA and Carers Allowance but am court mandated to share DLA, CA and Child Benefit with ExH – what that means in reality is I have all the restrictions, but only half of the money to make up for those restrictions. ExH insists DC does not need DLA, doesn’t have a disability and has threatened the school if they do not remove the support plan they have in place. DC hates going to dads, and is counting down the days until they’re 13 and able to say no to going.

50/50 is in a week on, week off pattern, hand over is on a Friday but I do see DC most days due to appointments, and therapies they have. I also pay for all equipment related to their disability, all school uniform, all trips, all activities (DC does 2 out of school activities that help with both their mobility and their speech) and all costs bar clothes and food for ExHs house – anything that goes to ExHs house related to DC from mine ends up in the bin so DC has stopped taking things including medications.

Last week DC got suspended from school for the 4th time this school year. It was justified so I am not arguing about that, as were all the previous times. All suspensions have happened during ExHs weeks with DC, and school have said DCs behaviour during my weeks with them is a lot calmer, they also have all the relevant equipment, PE kit and even money for extras which they do not get with ExH, DC has forgotten PE kit in every week ExH has had DC this year.

Last weeks suspension because it was ExHs week to have DC meant DC was taken back to his house. And I haven’t seen DC since. ExH already doesn’t let me speak to DC when they’re with ExH (despite DC wanting to) and is now saying I am the reason DC keeps getting suspended and I need to transfer the DLA and CA to him because DC lives with him now. He will let me have DC once per month with no overnights if I transfer everything over. He wants me to sign transfer forms to change DCs school for September to one near him (DC is currently at a Middle School but he’s asked for them to transfer to a high school near him).

I have spoken to my solicitor this morning, and we’re getting the ball rolling but it could be a few months for even an urgent court hearing. She has advised me to keep the DLA, CA and Child Benefit in my name but continue to share it as the current order recommends. She’s also advised me to carry on making plans for DC for my weeks with them even though they may not be there because it looks better to court that I was still planning for DC to be with me.

I am panicking, I have a holiday booked with DC for the 2nd week of the summer holidays and it looks like DC might miss it thanks to their dad. They also had a birthday party 2 weeks ago during my week that their dad came to and he made a scene there in front of DCs friends parents (he told DC off loudly for something really minor, then took DC home from the party (on my week) early because of their behaviour – it really was fine, other children where behaving similarly and their parents where dealing with it the same way I was, it did not need DC leaving early).

What are the chances of getting DC home even for 50% of the time again? My solicitor hasn't said what she thinks will happen, but she has told me not to sign any paperwork for DC and make sure the local authority and all other authorities nearby (if relevant) have a copy of the current CAO so that they're aware it's a 50/50 split and therefore I have a say.

All children regardless of disability should have their voice heard in court - there’s always a way. I’d say their behaviour during dad’s time speaks volumes.

I would contact the school and express welfare concerns. Neither you or school have seen the child. Ask for it to be escalated to safeguarding asap.

Could you make an emergency application to the court yourself?

That doesn't really add up. This isn't him having DC on their normal contact time and seeing the other parent, or even dad keeping them and then them being seen at school.
A child suddenly being completely hidden from sight, not allowed to be seen by the other parent and calls from school being ignored should instantly raise alarm bells to at least check there isn't something that happened being hidden.
I don't see how police could risk not doing a routine welfare check, how would that look if God forbid the child was being hidden because they'd been harmed and they weren't checked on for weeks on end despite concerns about there suddenly being noone allowed to set eyes on them.

There's much bigger issues at stake than parties and assemblies 🙄

My solicitor is advising against involving the police, because she doesn't want ExH to run with DC so I never see them again, this way I have a bague idea of where they are.

School have phoned social services but have said it does not meet the threshold for their intervention as there are no actual concerns for DCs welfare in their dads care just an argument between parents.

So the police probably won't be interested either.

Because this isn't how risk is assessed. The police can't and don't assume that there is a risk of parents harming their kids in the absence of any evidence. This man has cared for his child 50% of the time without harming him for X years. Just because he's taken him out of school doesn't mean there is suddenly a likelihood that he has harmed him. Police don't go round to people's homes on spec. that would be an overstep of their powers.

Parents do have the right to remove children from school. This doesn't prompt police welfare visits. I appreciate that OP hasn't consented to this but that's a civil matter not a criminal one and like the rest of the issues needs to be dealt with in the family court.

But your solicitor is wrong. You’ve already said, the father doesn’t believe your child has a disability so throws away the medication. You normally take your child to weekly medical appointments so they’re not happening either.

Both of these would be safeguarding incidents. I would be contacting your Local Authority MASH team, or at least the duty Social Worker.

The longer you leave this the less likely you’ll be to get more than a day a week with your child, in future.

School have already contacted Childrens Services and been told it does not meet the threshold for their intervention, there is no evidence my ex has ever hurt my DC - yes their behaviour is bad on his weeks, but DC has not said anything to school about why that is so we're working on the assumption its a school/DC problem not an ExH problem.

Surely the police would take OP's ex-husband's criminal conviction for domestic violence into consideration when deciding whether to do a welfare check? He is obviously an unhinged and violent man. The Family Court seemed to aid and abet his criminal behaviour by declaring it irrelevant to the child access arrangements but hopefully the police won't be taken in.

Where does your exh get his money from?

If he works he is going to find the holidays rather difficult in terms of childcare?!

Also he is going to have to pay for everything that he previously hasn’t - food, clothes, any activities and days out.

I can see him getting tired of the effort it will all take! Plus he is going to have a solicitor to pay for!

check with your solicitor but I’d be inclined to stick to your usual arrangements; ie go to collect your child on Friday and just text and say ‘hello it’s my week with child now as per the court order and I’m here to collect them’. Then when he declines ask if you can please talk to child on the phone. Keep evidence of these interactions. Do not get annoyed or upset. You need to prove you’ve tried to stick to court order and also that you’ve asked and been refused any contact with your child.

I still have doubts about your solicitor.
But did your solicitor at least get the ball rolling? You are currently unable to see your child and this should push it to an emergency hearing

Yes, turn up as usual to collect child. Calmly, as though it’s the most normal thing in the world. Take someone with you as witness. Record the interaction so you can write up a transcript afterwards.

When he refuses to hand them over ask why so that you have his (lack of) reason on record. Then ask to speak to child, and when he refuses have his (lack of) reason on record.

This is so awful, I’m sorry. It’s shocking that someone can just decide to keep a child from the other parent and the police can’t do anything. I know he’s the parent too but it still feels like kidnapping to me.

I also thought it was illegal to keep a child from school, shocking to me that he can do that without consequences too.

The combination of removing the child from school and the other parent at the same time should trigger it though. Especially with the added concerns around not having prescribed medication.
Unless he's actually deregistered the child from school then the child should have a check from them too. If he has deregistered her then he will have a follow up to ensure adequate teaching is still being done too (though admittedly that could take around 6 months).
But imminently a child being kept away from school and another parent, with past concerns around refusal to give prescribed medications - and presumably missing medical appointments - should be enough to warrant a welfare check.
A social services report needs making too as they should be able to assess the situation better than the police.

What on earth makes you think you know better than the OP's literal solicitor who knows the case? If you read her updates you'd also know this doesn't meet the threshold for social work involvement.

For goodness sake - no. The family court are aware of his conviction and deemed him safe to share care. Police aren't going to override that outcome based on no recent evidence or information.

Social services won't get involved. This is a contact dispute. And no, none of what you've said would warrant a police visit. School, yes, but he'd still have to consent to a visit, they can't barge their way in! And even if they do get in - then what?

He works but he lives with his parents, who're retired in their early 50s (and retired before me and ExH split up in 2017 and are still nowhere near state retirement age) and they're mortgage free. So he has money+childcare if he needs it.

I will repeat again in case anyone hasn't seen it

School have called Social Services and did not meet the threshold for their involvement, they told school to advice me to sort it through the court.

My solicitor has known me and therefore the case since 2017 when my ex and I initially split up and ended up in family court - she did the hearings 2.5ish years ago with me as well and she will do these. She is advicing not to call the police.

She thinks it will go back to just 50/50, if we're lucky it may go to 60/40 in my favour but the courts are very unlikely to cut ExHs contact over this issue especially as it could be put down to coincidence that DC got suspended on all his weeks - and ExH could dress it up as being a school issue to force the school move to or worse dress it up as being a hangover from my weeks with DC and get my contact cut, so we play it as if it's going back to 50/50.

Solicitor has got the ball rolling, it does not qualify for an emergency hearing but should be heard within the next month.

I'm sorry you keep getting the same responses OP - threads like this always go the same way unfortunately. I appreciate that most people aren't versed in family law nor the thresholds for social services and police involvement but it's frankly bizarre to be on here telling you that your solicitor is wrong.

For all the people clamouring for the police to be knocking at this man's door for the crime of keeping his child off school and being an arsehole to the OP - please think about what police powers you are calling for. When you call for police to have extraordinary powers to intervene in private parenting decisions you don't get to decide which ones qualify. If police can demand to see a child who has been pulled out of school but with no additional evidence of harm, on the basis that their parent might be abusing them and nobody can prove they aren't, you're calling for police to have powers to do that you you and abusive ex partners to have the right to call police on you for the same spurious reasons.

I know people like to believe that there are powers and authorities who can intervene if their child's co-parent starts acting like a dick but we have article 8 which is the right to private family life and nobody is going to intervene unless a criminal act is taking place (or you have evidence to suggest it might be). This can include criminal neglect of course but removing a child from school (or not sending them) isn't and never has been criminal neglect in and of itself. If you have kids with a total dickhead you're pretty much on your own. Even family court judgements can be and often are disregarded with minimal consequences (as per what is happening to the OP right now). Unless the co-parent is a criminal nobody is going to intervene for you.

There are a number of us who have referred to a welfare check however, a power that police already have and is rarely abused.

It's rarely abused because police have a high threshold to meet to carry one out. As OP has borne out on this thread, this situation doesn't meet the threshold for a police welfare check. Which is the point I was making in my post, which I'm not sure if you actually read, since your response misses the mark.

I am happy with police being able to check on children if they remove them from the other parent, and I say that as someone who has been on the receiving end of that. The police turned up at my home and insisted I wake up DD so they could see she was alright and asked me a lot of questions and I was happy to go along with that because its important that a child's welfare is checked in these situations.

Yes, I read it. I replied with a different take on it. This isn’t personal.

What I’m trying to figure out is, when I called about an elderly neighbour who hadn’t been seen for a few days it met the threshold and they did the welfare check. This is a mother concerned about a child whom she has shared custody of, but has not been able to talk to or see, and has also not been present at school. I’m genuinely wondering why the elderly neighbour meets the threshold but the child doesn’t, given the possible consequences.

Basically, because it's quite likely that something has befallen the elderly person, given that elderly people often have accidents or illnesses and if living alone would possibly not be able to seek help. An elderly person who stops being seen in the area warrants a welfare check because it's likely they need help.
A child in the care of their father who has PR and where there is a court order in place stating that the father is safe to care for him is not likely in need of help. There is no reason to think this man has caused his child any harm. Parents don't usually cause their children harm; in the absence of a reason to do so, police won't just check on children in their parents' care just in case they decided to act completely out of character and start harming their kids.

Again, this man is an awful shit. He's a total arsehole. But you're allowed to be an arsehole, even to your kids, without authorities getting involved.

I didn't mean the school should contact social services - I meant the school should send out their own staff to check on the children. Any child missing education would normally have a safe and well check if absent for a certain period. The welfare officer at the school, or whoever holds that position. They are usually falling over themselves to check kids not in school, so I"m surprised they have not done so.

In this situation I would be leaning very heavily on the local authority to threaten the child’s father with prosecution for failing to ensure regular school attendance. 7 days and a child with SEND… what is he thinking? Honestly, the lengths some men will go to to have their way. It’s disgusting.

If your child does get back in school, get there before pickup, notify school of a medical or dental appointment and take them home. Ask school to call you every single day your child is not in attendance. Say you are very concerned about safeguarding, dont mention the dispute between you and the father. A good school will put 2&2 together, but they are not permitted to get involved in disputes between parents directly.

Your lawyer sounds good, btw. Definitely pursue the legal route and take their counsel about not seeking to remove your child from the exes’ home.