Any advice would be appreciated

[Xmumof3xo]

Hi, this is a long story, I’ll try summarise it as much as I can

so me and my now ex partner had a court battle in regards to our daughter, he has 2 days a week an hour each time (the court order doesn’t state a time scale). It was proven domestic violence. Contact only started from January this year after a year long court battle, I did try settle it with him but he wanted it going through court and I’m thinking that was for the best. He never hit me just raised his fist, called me names, controlled what I wore, where I went, who I was with, kicked my hospital bed to wake me up when I was recovering from sepsis at 10 weeks pregnant, alcohol dependant, controlled all the money and go in huge sulks because I did something he didn’t like e.g go my mums

in march this year, Cafcass came to a play area to see how he was with our little girl, Cafcass officer said “when are you getting back together, when’s the wedding and will there be another brother or sister for your daughter” we did try it lasted a week and he went back to his ex.

so 5 weeks after we tried, we met up with our daughter, he got upset and said he made a terrible decision, begged for another chance, went on and on about broken families and I stupidly let him manipulate me into giving him another chance.

we was together for 5 weeks, he ignored me one day and never returned back, he went on holiday with this girl who he’s been going back to, well he knows I’m pregnant with his baby again, but he still walked out and ran straight back to her, she is mentally unstable, she told me herself after a very long conversation with her, she said “he’s got make his choice between me and you” I am no one’s choice they can have each other.

ever since this has happened 3 weeks into this situation he’s only see our daughter twice, once for 30 mins as he was late and today for an hour, he’s now using child maintenance against me, he said “you won’t get a payment until you do the forms” (he’s going on the birth certificate) just because I couldn’t do it with him today, he’s causing a lot of conflict because I can’t do what he’s asking, he isn’t putting our daughters needs before himself

he wants to take our 1 year old to a flat with 2 indoor dogs ( husky and chihuahua) and 4 indoor cats knowing she has a severe allergy too animals and the flat they are in smells terribly like pet urine

he turns up for contact covered in pet fur, then our daughter is up all night with itchy red bleeding skin, blotches on her face, blocked nose, runny eyes, coughing and sneezing. I have explained to him but he doesn’t listen

he said “I’ll just come pick her up, I don’t care if she cry’s, I’ll help her through it, I’ll give it a few hours then I’ll bring her back if she doesn’t calm down”

ive only ever asked for money once off him because he broke little ones pushchair and he’s throwing it back at me

hes saying I’m making our daughter suffer as I can’t do a weekend contact, I have a little boy from a different relationship, he says “he gets see her all week” but it’s not the point of that

after seeing him today, he wanted to go somewhere else (park or something) I said no I want go home, he gave me a really horrible look that triggered me, sulked and said bye then but with a sly tone.

I do have a solicitor, but I feel as if I can’t cope with this anymore, there is so much more to this story and I really just need know where I stand.

each day he’s grinding me down with things he says, he is being controlling, he is manipulating and he definitely is gaslighting, my solicitor has seen the messages between us.

he won’t allow 3rd party, he will if it’s his mum but, little one doesn’t know her all that well either, he won’t allow my family be apart of it.

i just need some help please, I really don’t know what do for the best and I know it’s going get so much worse when this baby is here.

if you need anymore information just ask I’ll provide it all.

Just too add, when he was living here, he never did anything, especially for our daughter, never changed a nappy, fed her, never changed her clothes. He didn’t clean, cook, do washing, he did nothing but sit on his phone and turn co co melon on for our daughter, he never played or interacted with her

”he has 2 days a week an hour each time”

So have the courts specified where this hour of contact is to happen?

“he wants to take our 1 year old to a flat with 2 indoor dogs ( husky and chihuahua) and 4 indoor cats knowing she has a severe allergy too animals”

Are SS involved? I can’t think anyone would think it reasonable to take a one year old with allergies to a flat with six animals that will trigger those allergies. You say you have a solicitor - I think you need to speak to them about this, as well as the issue of the birth certificate - I’d be very hesitant to add him, and I would want legal advice about it. If you don’t want to speak to your solicitor about access and the animals, then phone Social Services because it really isn’t acceptable to leave a child with serious allergies in a flat with animals that will trigger their allergy.

Ideally in a soft play area or park.

i rang them and they wasn’t much help, they just said safeguarding overrules any court order. I’ve addressed all of this to the solicitor and advised when he does take her to the flat to stop contact, he will not take me back to court, I’ve asked him too as I don’t feel as this is fair on our daughter

OP, if the court order says he has to have contact in a soft play area or a park, how can he take your DD to his flat? I’d flag this as a safeguarding issue with Social Services, as he’s making your daughter unwell by allowing her to be in contact with his animals in a dirty flat.

He like to make his own rules, all I can do is log it I have rang social services

It’s highly likely the pets are not safe either! He’s breaking the court order. You must speak to your solicitor. Why on earth did you go back to him? Words fail me. Poor children.

I really thought he changed, he did a perpetrator course, he seemed to be a really decent guy after all of this, I really did think he made himself better for a family, it was, i know I’m to blame for having him back, but until you’re in this situation don’t be so quick to judge, im autistic and the world seems different for me. He’s a narcissist, my children are happy and well looked after, as I said, I’ve done everything possible to ensure little one is safe guarded through all of this.

I think making excuses and putting dc through this is wrong. You say everything you believe him to be and then give him yet another chance! Your dc might be well looked after but you cannot get him out of your life so eventually dc will be affected. It’s inevitable. No one will have an answer if you are a pushover.

As you posted in legal matters, let's focus on that. Firstly look at the exact wording of the court order. He can't make up his own rules. If it states contact must be in a public place or supervised then that's what must happen and his failure to adhere to that would give you grounds to return to court and push for a contact centre or similar.

There is clearly a lot of drama. Look up grey rock. Set up a seperate email address for all correspondence regarding the children and block elsewhere. Get a notebook and keep a record of any issues, not what you feel e.g. he was mean to me, but objective facts e.g. on x date failed to turn up for contact, on y date threw pram which broke. This will help you.

Apply for CMS.

From what you've said once you have firm boundaries the sad truth is he will likely get bored and leave the kids but you will have peace and can raise the kids in a safe environment.