Ex with serious mental health history wants unsupervised contact – what are my rights?

[SmushyButt]

I had a child in 2014 and split from her dad when I was 6 months pregnant due to emotional and physical abuse. This was reported to my midwife, and social services were involved at the time. They made it clear that if I got back with him (I had no intention to), they would intervene again.

He is not on the birth certificate and has never had parental responsibility. Since she was born, he’s had supervised contact, first at my dad’s and later at his grandma’s. Over the years he has been sectioned multiple times and was even sent to prison for setting fire to his flat and jumping out of the window, which led to him being sectioned again. He has a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia and is on medication.

He’s due to be discharged soon and now wants contact with our daughter again, but no longer through his grandma. His social worker suggested a contact centre, but I’ve told her I won’t agree to it. I have three other children (ages 4, 2, and 9 months), and I simply don’t have the capacity to facilitate supervised visits. I told her that if he wants contact, he will need to go through the proper legal channels.

Does anyone know what that legal process might look like? What should I expect if he applies to the court for contact?

Thank you.

The fact he has no parental responsibility and isn't on the BC does help your situation. However, he us her father. He has a diagnosed mental illness. Lots of children grow up with a parent suffering from all forms of mental illness, bipolar, schizophrenia etc. And with support they can parent well. That being said, I don't know if your ex's illness is well controlled, if it is, it may be unreasonable to deny contact. Your dd may also resent the lack of contact in years to come. It's a tricky, nuanced situation OP, I feel for you.

What does your daughter want? If she was desperate for contact I would facilitate for her sake but if she's not bothered, let him take you to court and they can decide.

I haven’t asked my daughter what she wants yet. She’s never expressed an interest in seeing her dad, but I have a feeling that if I were to ask, she might say yes because she would think I’m offering it, rather than it being something she genuinely wants. I’m not willing to voluntarily take on the extra stress of arranging or driving to contact centre visits just to accommodate him. Has anyone been through this process? I’ll follow whatever the court decides, but I believe it would need to be clearly shown that contact is in her best interests.

@SmushyButt You could say he must go through the family court. They might well speak to dd via CAfcass as she’s 9. I would suggest it would be supervised contact but no contact is unlikely I would suggest. MH isn’t seen as a reason for parent to be excluded if he’s not harmed dd. However I would expect supervised in a contact centre in the circumstances. Not at a relatives house - definitely not that. SS suggestion seems reasonable but court will probably allow him to see her.

@TizerorFizz Would the court expect me to take her to a contact centre myself? As I mentioned earlier, I have three other very young children to care for, and I simply don’t have the capacity. More importantly, I want no personal involvement with him at all. I’m highly suspicious that he would use any contact with me as an excuse to try and reinsert himself into my life. The idea of seeing or speaking to him causes me extreme anxiety and brings on symptoms of PTSD.

@SmushyButt I don’t know what the court would order. However you would not have no contact at all I believe because you are busy. It is DD the court would be concerned with, not you. He might well try the court route and then you have to have a case why DD cannot see him and if it’s because you don’t see a way to make it happen, I’m not sure that will be accepted. Just wait and see what he does but you might need to engage with it, eg grandmother takes DD.

If he goes through the courts etc then he'll definitely get put on the bc. I'd do what I can to avoid this and ask him to pay for a babysitter and taxi to help take the child
To the contact centre

He has no parental responsibility- all he can do is request the court put his name on birth certificate and then request a contact order.
no court would allow immediate unsupervised contact in this instance and given your child’s age their views will be heard.

Don’t agree to bypass legal route. Fellow social worker here and that sounds like lazy work by the SW, a full risk assessment is necessary.

How does contact with the grandma work? Does she pick up and drop off your daughter? The contact centre doesn't mean you will have to see him. You arrive separately, drop her off and pick her up and the meeting can be supervised. If i'm honest with the history of abuse and mental health episodes I'd rather this under the eyes of professionals than with a grandmother who may be more lax.

That said, you posted in legal. He can go through the courts for access regardless of if he's on the BC or not. The bar for no contact is very high, stupidly high, so if he applies he will likely get contact but, based on what you've said, probably supervised contact so it would be at a contact centre and you'd be back where you are now but locked into a court order so it would have to be a certain times ie every two weeks. Whereas if you arrange it privately you may have more flexibility.

You can say no, take me to court. I know a woman who just refused and took a gamble the ex wouldn't pursue it and she was right. He posts self-pity fb posts about being denied access but never went to court. What do you think your ex would do?

It’s up to the dad to obtain parental responsibility. He can do this via the courts. I would not do DIY meetings. I agree it should be via the legal system. CAfcass would see your DD. At 9 she can have an opinion.

@Cocomelonhauntsme I get on very well with his grandmother, and up until now we had a good arrangement in place. She would collect my daughter from my home and take her to her house, where he would often visit under supervision. It had been working smoothly until one day he refused to go to her house and insisted that his elderly grandmother drive my daughter to his home in another town. She quite rightly refused, and he reacted badly. He was very unpleasant to her and accused her of stopping him from seeing our daughter. He can be manipulative and spiteful, and it feels like he is now pushing for contact through official channels just to punish her.

In my view, he is unlikely to stay committed to any legal process. I am happy for contact to continue as it has, at his grandmother’s house, but I suspect that once he is discharged, he will not be willing to make the effort to get there and will expect others to do all the running around for him.

He will try and manipulate his grandma. Thats not the way supervision should work. It’s not a neutral place either and a relative is open to coercion. I’d step back from that in the future.