Help - non molestation order

[AmberV]

Apologies in advance for the long message I have posted on here previously and just need help. I’ve been married for 19 years and since marrying husband have been a victim of emotional abuse and coercive behaviour. We had our children they are now 9 and 11.

Since having the children, the abuse has got worse and there has been physical abuse to our 9 -year-old son, no physical abuse to our daughter, by their dad. My son is fully aware that he is treated differently, so everything dad does to him, he does to his sister, so that she feels some of what’s happening to him.

I have involved Childrens Services in 2023 Husband made out that it was ‘play fighting’ that got carried away and managed to talk his way out of it, said that he would be different and would get Counselling. He came back home, 2 months later everything was back how it was and worse.

I called Children Services again in 2024 this time he made out it was down to my menopause and our daughter going through her hormones. He moved out for 4 months this time, so he would speak to the doctor and go on anger management courses.

Now a year later, nothing’s changed the abuse is escalating. It resulted in him punching our son in the privates which really hurt and winded him, my 9 year old then punched him back in the face. My 9-year-old has since disclosed a lot more that has been going on without my knowledge.
I have now filed for a non-molestation order which was granted last Friday.

I have the next Hearing where my husband can put his views on 13th June. Can anyone tell me whether I really need to take a solicitor to this hearing with me or is it just to hear if he contests what’s been said? I have no idea what to expect? I’m not entitled to legal aid.

please help, I cannot risk this being overturned or him worming his way out of it all again. He currently has to leave the home cannot go near the schools and has no contact with the children.

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Has the court directed you each to submit a witness statement, or that he does? Once you’ve seen his statement you will know what he’s counter-arguments are. Judges are not stupid.

personally, if you feel confident to speak for yourself in court I think that’s better than a barrister. But you might want support to prepare your statement and also someone who can sit with you and advise you. You could get a professional McKenzie friend but make sure it’s someone very experienced.

I attended my (virtual) hearing without representation but I had an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Adviser) who supported me through the process so I could be confident that I had given the court a very clear picture of why my ex (DD's father) should come nowhere near us. If you have made or can make a police report, please try to do so and you should be appointed a police safeguarding officer who can then refer you to an IDVA for ongoing support.

In addition to being valuable simply as a support system, the police safeguarding appointee and IDVA are also personnel that a court will recognise as part of a structured process that you are following to protect yourself and your children. If their school/schools are supportive, I would also ask the head to get involved in this process and write a letter of support.

As you have your non-molestation order, you can request a prohibited steps order too which is a document that can give a school reinforced rights to keep your ex away and put a safeguarding framework in place, such as having the children leave via the office only or notifying police if their father is seen nearby, not giving him information about extracurricular activities etc.

Doing that paperwork would also let you be very explicit in detailing the risks he poses and sharing any examples you didn't use in your non-mol paperwork that pertain to the children. You can then provide that documentation to the court at your next non-mol hearing as supporting evidence of why the order should remain unchanged.

I'm so very sorry that you are all going through this, sending strength and luck to you, one day this will all be a survival story that you tell x

Thanks for your messages. I provided my witness statement already at the ex parte hearing which was done without notice, I also had a letter from the school stating what my son had told them about what was happening and also my sons counsellor did a witness statement of what he disclosed.

I was looking at getting a Mackenzie friend, I hadn’t heard of IDVA, I will look into that.

I didn’t realise I might need prohibited steps order, at the moment the non molestation order stops him coming near our house or either of the schools and no contact with the children. I am trying to get it to keep that way.

My son said to my daughter the other day, you could still see and contact dad as he doesn’t hurt you.

I still cannot get my head round what he has done to our family. The trauma he has put the three of us through. Even now all he is thinking about is himself.

he shows no empathy , no remorse, no conscience, incredible at manipulation and a charmer to the outside world, I have seen two counsellors now, my own and a family one and they both say he is showing psychopathic traits. I will definitely request a psychiatric evaluation going forward.

He used to divide us all off, our children used to be close but due to his actions they ended up hating each other and physically fighting daily. I said this was not normal to husband, he aggressively said I don’t know what I was talking about as I’m an only child. This is what siblings do.

since husbands been gone and we have had family counselling and seen everything through the others eyes, the children are closer than ever, giving each other a cuddle each night and saying I love you .

The devastation one person can cause. Myself and the children are finally getting to feel what a proper home should feel like.

I’m so sorry to hear what your h has inflicted on you and your DC, I’m glad you’re going to family counselling, your son would’ve been told that he deserved it! That he is the problem and unlovable as his dad, a trusted caregiver (children see everything in black and white) was violent to him and not his sister.
Thank goodness you have separated, you’re showing your DC that H behaviour is horrific and you will protect them. I would explain to them that you wish you could have left many years ago, that you had hoped with anger management and counselling, their dad would change but he didn’t. I would apologise that you couldn't stop the abuse then but you’re doing everything in your power to protect them now. Their home with you is safe and they can talk to you when they feel sad or angry and their feelings are valid.
You sound like a fabulous mum @AmberV, your life going forwards with your DC will be filled with peace and love now. X

I had a non molestation order granted. I did do it through my lawyers and thank god my late husband did not contest it. I do not think I could have got through seeing him.

Do you have the police involved? I was assigned an IDVA through them.
If you haven’t contacted the NCDV they may help guide you, also Women’s Aid.

Good luck and well done for taking this step.

On the notice to him it says this

You will need to send the court an electronic bundle 3 days before the hearing via the court office.

Does that mean his witness statement? Will I get sent that too?

Yes I’ve filed two police reports. I’ve contacted womens aid and safer places and DV assist they’ve all been helpful.

Yes, you should be sent a copy of anything he includes in his evidence bundle. I was. It was all utter bullshit and the court could see that. If you can, ensure you detail any ongoing support you are receiving as part of your own statement. It seems to be most effective to spell things out step by step:

*Here is what I have done (eg. made provisions with the school for signing your children in and out) and here is why (because my ex represents an ongoing threat to my children's safety and will do them harm)

*Here is who supports me (eg. Women's Aid) and here is why (after x years in a coercively controlling and abusive relationship I needed support to leave and with the steps I needed to take to safeguard my children)

*Here is what I am asking the court for (eg. continuing the order) and here is why (under the non-molesation order I can ensure that my children will finally be safe in our home and I can protect myself from further physical, verbal and emotional violence from my ex after x years of ongoing abuse).

It would be worth contacting local police to ask for a contact from the safeguarding unit to get in touch. You can explain that you have had previous incidents of DV and are now under a non-mol order. Your local police station should have been given a copy of the order anyway. You can also ask for your phone number to be flagged as a DV risk so a car will be sent straight out if you call 999.

I found that creating a separate email address for all correspondence related to court stuff helped me not to lose my mind when I represented myself. You can fill out a privacy form with the courthouse to request that your contact information not be shared with him. This also allows you to change your phone number and protect.

Thank you for your replies and that advice CoffeeAndEnnui thats helpful.

his solicitor emailed me at 4.17pm today on a Friday knowing I couldn’t do anything about it. Saying H wants to start seeing the children again. Wants to take daughter skating Saturday and go to sons football Sunday. Acting like nothings happened! Like he is the innocent party in all this ! it’s also my daughters birthday next week, he wants to see her and give card/present.

Am I being unreasonable in saying no to all his requests and say I want to leave it for the judge to decide at the next hearing on whether he can have contact or not?

what would you do? TIA

That's a nice straightforward absofuckinglutely not. Cage it in careful language, something along the lines that a non-molestation order remains in place and that you continue to follow safeguarding advice, as your husband is considered a direct threat to your safety and that of your children, since he has acted with aggression towards them on previous occasions.

The advice you have taken has underscored the fact that contact is not appropriate at this time. You will consider the court and all relevant agencies' advice on how to facilitate contact and visitation in a way that prioritises your children's wellbeing and no further discussion will take place until the next court hearing has taken place.

I would add that mediation and any discussion beyond these parameters will not be appropriate since (ex) is a perpetrator of domestic violence and you have been a long-term victim of his coercive control. Copy the court into this reply. It's horrid when they use tactics like this to unsettle you but try to reply to everything as calmly and pragmatically as possible. You've got this x

If you haven't already, check in with your local police station. Make sure they know about the order and let them know that he's making noise about trying to see the children/turn up on your daughter's birthday. Make sure they have flagged your number so they can come straight out and arrest him if he tries to come anywhere near you.