domestic violence and abuse

[andym299]

me and ex are separated we have 1 child ....we have both raised issues with viollence etc against the other .... i have tried raising police charges against her but at interview she wouldnt fully admit jt ...saying she only hit me because of my driving (happened all time not just driving)
my brother is in prison for life (we have not spoken since 1980s and i dont intend to)and cafcass are now using this against me to stop me seeing my child, prevent me from changing my dd name to double barrel and to top it all off ...for me to see my child i have to do it with her or maternal grandparents there .... that is after a lengthy process of writing letters to a 2 year old???
any advice pleasse i am at my ends thether with this it has been 17 months since she last let me see her ....

I think there are a few questions needed before anyone can really answer this:

You mention that you both raised issues of violence against each other but your report was NFAd; what happened to her report? Is there an ongoing investigation or have there been any charges? Are there any civil injunctions in place, or bail conditions etc?

Your brother being in prison; were you involved in any way in what he is in prison for? In what way are CAFCASS using this to prevent contact? What is their rationale?

I assume you’ve proposed changing your DD’s name to your ex and she has declined, but you’re asking court to make an order to force a change; what are your reasons for wanting to change? The court see the name of a child as part of their identity, so there would have to be able to see if there is a detriment to the name not being changed.

Why have CAFCASS recommended supervised contact after a period of letterbox contact? What is their rationale in their report?

CAFCASS can make recommendations like these, especially if there are outstanding questions around domestic abuse, but it’s up to the court whether to accept. If they have questions they will explore further and possibly go to Fact Finding; has this happened?

Essentially its in a process and there’s no real way to speed it up. Best thing to do is be compliant, show that with everything you do you are focussing on the best interests of your DD, and wait for the courts to do all the checks they need to.

her report isnt anything its just a complaint ..

there are no outstanding investigations

i should point out this was the result of a final hearing .....

he is in prison for murder of which i have no part in ....
name change is to give her identity and family history ...

i have been compliant throughout but she can get legal aid i cant and her family paid private to start wiyh.....

she is now in a new relationship which doesnt bother me ...apart from the fact he is accused of rape (nfa).
no fact finding ever undertaken ....
at last hearing QLR was apponted but didnt ask 1 of the 46 questions i needed answers to so i can get her prosecuted...

let me point out she a probation office and disclosed confidential info to me in an order for me to forgive my brother which i wont do ....

their rationale is that its a danger to my daughter when he gets out in about 5 to 6 yrs

yet the violence, assaualt and abuse i suffered dont seem to matter (hitting with mobile phone, hand, twisting nipples, examining bank accout etc)

further more im under counselling fit the DV.....
I just feel like ending it all

Ok, so that was the final decision from court; if there was no police report from her, did the court ask for a fact finding into the allegations of violence? What was the outcome? What was the rational CAFCASS gave for recommending supervised contact/letterbox contact? If the court felt no Fact Finding was needed to make this decision, it implies they already had the evidence they felt they needed.

The court can put a Prohibited Steps Order in place for once your brother is released to prevent contact if they feel they need to; they wouldn’t recommend supervised contact for you and your daughter because of him, especially as he is in prison so can’t be a current risk.

Sorry - you already answered about the Fact Finding

Advice - if you want to see your child, do so whilst being supervised as the court has instructed. Isn’t seeing your child your priority?

to put myself back in a violent degrading controlling siuation simply wont work

Why would supervised contact mean those things?

Why wouldn’t being supervised by the child’s grandparents work? Child doesn’t know who you are and would need the present of a known adult for reassurance.

Your feelings are clearly far more important that the child’s, and outweigh your desire to have a relationship with your child.

Here's another piece of advice: decent loving parents would walk over hot coals and subject themselves to all the abuse that gets thrown at them if it meant being able to see their child. The fact that you won’t speaks volumes.

i would if there was no other way ..but my child has seen n heard it all going on as daughter lives with grandparents

There isn’t any other way though. It’s court ordered to be that way. So get on with it. Again, the fact that you still haven’t speaks volumes.

see thats where you are wrong it can be supervised ar a contact cente with neutral people

It's not unusual for courts to reintroduce contact very gradually if a child is young and hasn't seen their parent for such a long time. It sounds like your DD hasn't seen you since she was about 7 months old, so courts will want it to be in an environment that's familiar to her, and with people she knows well. You've said she lives at her grandparents' house; it makes sense for contact to be reintroduced gradually there. It's unlikely to be forever. The important thing is for you to be consistent and to stick to contact. And the letters are important, even though she's only two. You say you want her to have a sense of identity - when she is older she may still have those letters and know you were reaching out to her. That could be huge to her sense of self-worth and that's one of the reasons the court asks for them.

I can see why the court haven't made an order to force the change of her name. Her name has already been chosen, and your requirements to use her name to somehow instil a sense of identity does not trump your daughter's right to retain her current identity. If CAFCASS is referencing your brother in this, then could it be that the name you are trying to double-barrel to is too linked to him, and could be detrimental to her? In any case, her current name would have to be detrimental to her in some way in order for them to force a change.

You say a lot about yourself and your feelings in your posts, but not much about your daughter. Just keep reminding yourself that this is about her and her wellbeing, and about what she needs. That's got to stay as everyone's priority. You've got contact; it would be a shame (and potentially damaging to her) to choose not to take it.

It can be yes. Yours isn’t. And that’s all there is to it. Accept what you’ve been given and start to rebuild a relationship with your child. Or don’t. Up to you, but own your decision.

Yeah, try putting your dc first. That's what good parents do.

Contact centres are places with unknown faces not really suitable for very young children meeting a parent after a prolonged period of separation maybe ask for that AFTER a few meet ups with the grandparents

Can I ask, have you had other relationships where DV was an issue. I don’t just mean just police level bad, but where you were shouting, or lost your temper.

Are the police looking at a pattern of abusive behaviors on your side, and her abusive actions were reactive to the chaos you were creating.

You have talked a lot about her, and it just looks like a deflection from your own actions. Letterbox only contact is rare, and suggests that you are a lot more violent/ controlling than you want to take responsibility for.
When you read back through your posts, the conclusion I draw is that you really like getting your own way, and someone else saying No is way more aggravating to you than to the average person.

im under counselling fit the DV..... This is quite an interesting sentence, the implication is that she is doing this to you, or it’s because of her. But is that true, or is the counseling actually court ordered in an attempt to rehabilitate you from being a violent perpetrator.
I just feel like ending it all suicide threats are very common among abusers- they are a really bad look and extremely childish. It is just a deflection tactic from taking responsibility for your own actions.

As people have tried multiple times to tell you, the sooner you stop talking about her, and start focusing on your actions and asking yourself how you can normalize things with your daughter’s maternal family the better.

no ....i am not violent or have any history of violence verbal or otherwise ...the counselling is not court ordered ....if you were a victim of DV maybe you would maybe understand I have had other relationships even married but was widowed.

so what were the issues of violence committed by you that you refer to in the first sentence of your first post?

It is because I know the dynamic intimately that I recognise the ratio of bad things she did to bad things you are prepared to own.

i take note of your comment ...however i dont think it is appropriate to go into too much detail as this is all still undergoing court/cafcass snd police investigations

You literally said In your op that you were both violent

As expected.
My advice is to engage (really engage) in therapy that gets you to examine your core beliefs around the roles and rights of women in society.

Thinking about what you have actually said and done to her mother, my guess is you would hate your daughter to ever have a boyfriend like you are.

i was not violent the abuse she accuses me of was around the sending of texts ...i sent 46 (non abusive) to which she answered 39 .

she reported to the police who spoke with me and concluded this was a "conversation"
based on the facts i was trying to ascertain info on my dd health and well being..

No further action to be taken and case was filed as nfa

I don’t understand - I thought you said the final hearing had happened and there was no police investigation ongoing?