Can I get a restraining order?

[Oldandtired1979]

Name changed as potentially outing and I’ll try to keep things brief.

I live with my DH and we each have 2 children, who live with us full time, and we all coexist fairly harmoniously on the whole. However, my partner’s ex is not a great person by my standards, she barely sees her kids and never puts their needs over hers. It is worth noting she left my DH around 4 years before I was on the scene, so she has no crime to place at my door. However, not long after I met DH it became obvious that she didn’t like not having him at her beck and call any more, and started a very deliberate campaign to ruin our relationship. Nothing physical or directly to me, just making sure I knew she was there and more important to DH than me. Calling me names to the kids (who I have a very mutually loving relationship with) if something was happening like my birthday, or an anniversary, making sure she did something to move the attention to her (think fake hospital admissions). Passive aggressive notes/cards disguised as innocent things for the kids, but very obviously poking at me, weird stuff really. There’s some much more specific stuff with online stalking but I can’t say too much as it’s outing. Safe to say that I couldn’t go into a police station to report her for harassment, but she absolutely is in her own way, and currently looking at moving into the very small village we live in thinly disguising it as wanting to be near kids she sometimes doesn’t see for months. So my question is, is anyone aware of any type of order I can get without proof of her actually threatening me, to ensure she stays away from my house and has no contact with me at all?

Thank you and sorry for being so vague!!

In a word, no. You can’t. This is an annoying ex, not harassment. Take the higher ground and carry on being solid and dependable for the kids.

Thank you, I thought this would be the case, just feeling worn out by it after years of picking, like Chinese water torture lol! I know it could be a LOT worse, and it’s not real harassment as such, but was hoping for some way to keep her out of my life and not have to keep wondering what she’ll try next! I don’t want to retaliate in any way, that’s just not me, only to live my life in peace really.

Your dh needs to tell her to pack it in, if she sends you any personal messages you need to block her, you don't need to be in contact with her, how old are her children, why don't they live with their mum. Any contact goes through your dh, she doesn't need to know when your special days are, you don't get into any discussion with her, if it continues to make you feel threatened your dh goes to the police. What are the children visiting arrangements.

I wish he would! He won’t do much because he hates conflict and it’s driving me crazy! The kids are 11&12, they don’t live with her because she doesn’t want them and will take any excuse not to have them, drop them back early etc. We don’t push it because it’s not fair on the kids to force her to spend time with them when she very obviously doesn’t want to. She has them one weekend a month atm, but will often cut that short for things she’d rather be doing.

She has no direct contact with me, but makes sure I get messages through other means, and of course the kids tell her stuff that she then uses, but it’s not their fault and obviously I’d never involve them by asking them not to say stuff etc.

I just thought if I could put something in place that says she can’t come within a certain distance of the house, or contact me, it might draw a line in the sand to encourage her to just stop and move on.

The stupid thing is, she doesn’t want DH or the kids, but she doesn’t want anyone else to have them either 😔

I just thought if I could put something in place that says she can’t come within a certain distance of the house, or contact me, it might draw a line in the sand to encourage her to just stop and move on.

You say she has no direct contact with you though, so what contact would you be looking to stop?

You can block her number/socials, your partner can tell his children not to pass messages. Unfortunately she is (however unwarranted it may be) entitled not to like you and tell her children as much. Being a twat is sadly not illegal :-(

You can't stop her coming near your house without very good reason. You're not in danger from her, you just don't like her.

However, you could report her to the police for harassment, if you feel that is what her behavior amounts to (see bottom of this post for the definition).

As a softer option, you could pay a solicitor to send her a letter, if you think that would be enough to draw that line in the sand you mentioned and scare her off, as it were.

Bare in mind though; is it likely to have that effect, or will it simply escalate things? From what you've described, it's unlikely the police would do any more that talk to her at this stage, which could embolden her depending on how committed she is to making your life difficult.

At the end of the day, your partner does still have to co-parent with her.

"The Protection from Harassment Act 1997 indicates that someone’s actions amount to harassment when they make the victim feel distressed, humiliated, threatened or fearful of further violence. The main goal of harassment is to persuade victims either not to do something that they are entitled or required to do or to do something that they are not obliged to do. Actions listed under the Protection from Harassment Act include, but are not limited to:

phone calls
letters
emails
visits
stalking
verbal abuse of any kind, including on social media
threats
damage to property
bodily harm

Such actions amount to harassment when they occur more than once."