Child arrangement order - breach?

[marshyrun]

Hi, just wanting some advice on what to do if ex is breaching the CAO?

For context, it's been in place about 10 months, shared school hols and 2 nights per week (at his request). But since the start of the year he's not had them at all (new girlfriend affect). Luckily they are fine with it and not missing Dad, always happy to stop with me. It just seems silly that we went through all the legality of it last year and agreeing to set times for stability for the kids and now he wants nothing? Just the ad hoc few hours here and there when he's "free"?? He thinks its reasonable for him to text me a day before and demand to have the children for 2 hours the next day. I've already planned and used all my annual leave for the rest of this year and had to take unpaid leave for a week over Easter when they were meant to be with him as per the court order.

Do the courts take it seriously or don't they really do anything due to not being able to force contact? Anyone else been through this and reported a breach? What is worth it and what was the outcome? Any advice welcome!

They don't prioritise father's rights. They prioritise the child's rights. However, they cannot force a parent to have contact with their child.

If the father continues to behave like this, OP will be able to get contact reduced or removed.

I’m hate to say this but from friends experience a bit of shaming might help. Reach out to his parents and offer them contact on his days? Do it with the essence of being nice, say that he hasn’t seen them, it’s a shame for them to miss out etc? If not parents make his siblings aware?

OP I’m glad that he is an ex, this reaffirms that you a good person and parent. Best wishes to you

Perhaps in theory but that doesn’t translate to reality. Abusive men get access to their children all the time. And this is emotional abuse

The court will expect you to be reasonable though, which is worth remembering.

That doesn't mean agreeing to everything. An occasional change in days/times to accommodate genuine life issues is reasonable.

Calling/turning up when he wants, repeatedly, and expecting to have the kids handed over, is not.

His family are all aware, they too are baffled as to why he's turned out like this. He's clearly a shit dad now, but he hasn't always been this way. It's fairly recent, well, been brewing for a few months, then here we are now at the no contact stage. This all ties in perfectly with his new relationship.

Thankfully my ex MIL is lovely, I have a good relationship with her and I visit with the kids and she calls in at my house when she's passing. I probably see more of her than my ex does, since he's basically gone no contact, he's not been to visit his Mum.. conveniently too busy. But I know for a fact it's because he's ashamed and knows she will have something to say!

I agree with the emotional abuse comment - I actually had to stop him contacting the eldest child on her phone because he was messaging her every few days, most of the messages were promises on where he was going to take them at the weekend, or asking where they wanted to go for tea after school.. these things never happened. She'd text after school and ask what time he was coming to collect them for tea? He wouldn't reply for days. So, in the end, I said he could have phone calls with them and if he wanted to talk, just send a quick text to my phone when he's ready and I'd let them answer my phone. He hasn't took me up on that offer so far, that was 6 weeks ago.

If you can afford it, I think in this situation I would apply to vary the court order and reduce his official contact times. All these times when the children have to be 'made available' but he rarely takes it up won't be good for them – it keeps them waiting on tenterhooks, only to be disappointed most of the time. Plus it restricts their ability to do other normal childhood things those times, as you can't schedule a club/playdate/holiday camp/etc. in 'his time'.

Hopefully the fact that he's agreed the maintenance change on the basis of him not having them and your diary would help you get the CAO changed. That you're maintaining their relationships with their father's family should also help show you're being reasonable and considering what's best for the children.