What happens if you’re not mentally well enough to attend court?

[Roxietrees]

Posted about the actual case earlier so short version is - ex & I have 50/50 care of 4 yo DS, ex (who was abusive but I have no evidence) now taking me to court to try and be primary caregiver using historic 2+ years ago mental health issues and one isolated incident of prescription drug addiction- all provable, to say I’m an unfit mother. I’d been doing so well up until now. I’ve had a serious breakdown over this and unable to stop crying all day, unable to work, eat or sleep, even get out of bed really. Don’t feel able to do the required paperwork for court or to appear in court. Feel like I’d just be a zombie unable to answer questions or crying the whole time. What happens in this scenario? They’d see that my mental health makes me an unfit mother and just give him what he wants without the court case? Maybe that’s best. I can’t look after DS like this

To be brutally honest- it proves his point whether it real or not. If you can’t turn up because you mentally don’t feel well enough to have your evidence and be present- they will potentially look at that positively for him as that’s what he is claiming. Whether it’s because of his behaviour or not- they won’t know that if you’re not there and haven’t prepared. You need to look at supports for you, because otherwise he most likely will get what he wants

You need to get some support and go.
Is there a reason why ex thinks 50/50 isn't working or is he doing it out of spite?

I’m sorry, but if you argue your mental health is too poor to attend court, then he will use it as evidence that you mental health is too poor to look after your son.

What this poster said

Yes I agree.

If you can’t gather enough support in time to feel able to manage in court (you don’t say when you are due to go) and are worried about being able to answer questions etc then on the day I would say you’ve got a stomach bug or something similar on the court date and see if you can get yourself time to get more support.

No you can’t just not go because the stress of it is causing you to be mentally unwell. Otherwise nobody would ever go to court would they. You really need to get yourself together somehow and attend. I’ve had to go, it’s really not that bad, honestly, they won’t take him away from you , he may or may not get more time than he’s getting atm but you won’t ’lose Custody’ of your son. The court are also pretty good at seeing through peoples lies and exaggerations they’ve heard it all before . None of what you have said will lead the court to believe you are an unfit mother . Really. It just won’t happen. Your ex may get more time but he won’t end up ‘ primary parent’ worse case scenario he will get 50:50 . But that’s not a given. Stop spiralling, get up get in the shower dig out your paperwork and work out what you’re going to wear . Do you need a hair cut? Book it. Take action , it will be here and over before you know it . You can do this.

If you speak to court liasons im sure they are experienced in many people feeling this way for a number of legal issues. There will be appropriate support networks you can access. I would also contact your gp for some anxiety medication

If you’re too mentally unwell to attend court then how do you think they will award childcare?

As much as I sympathise with how unsettling and distressing this must be for you, gently OP you need to give your head a firm shake, get out of bed and get cracking! It’s time for you to start thinking practically as to how you can go into the court hearing in the best state possible and what you need to do to make that the case.

This link walks you through the court process step by step:
https://helpwithchildarrangements.service.justice.gov.uk/going-to-court-other-parent
Read it, familiarise yourself with what you need to do and what the process looks like so there are no surprises and then preemptively prepare yourself for what may come and any emotional response that may come with it, so you can be ahead of your feelings and hopefully better navigate them.

The below link is from the gov.uk website itself with advice on options available to get emotional support:
https://helpwithchildarrangements.service.justice.gov.uk/emotional-support
Do consider if any of these resources could be helpful to you as you go through the court process. If so, make sure you use them.

You should also reach out to CAFCASS and maybe look at the Both Parents Matter website as they have lots of fact sheets with information, as well as support groups etc that may be helpful:
https://bothparentsmatter.org.uk

If you have any family or friends who can help you with form filling, gathering evidence and supporting materials or even to just be there as a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on if needed, reach out to them. Ask for their help. Don’t try to muddle through this alone if you have people around you who can help.

I would also start reaching out to anyone who knows you, your child and has any potentially valuable insight they can share as to your parenting approach over recent years: teachers, social workers (if any are involved), your GP/mental health team, any close co-workers/manager etc. Basically, anyone who can vouch for your improved mental health in the last 2 years and/or can attest to the high and consistent level of care, love and support you have provided for your child during that time.

Don’t let the fear paralyse you, as I worry that would just play into your Ex’s hands and reinforce his argument. Instead, find your anger. How dare he torpedo the success you’ve made of your life over the last 2 years? How dare he question and undermine the quality of care and parenting you provide your child, when he’s been prepared for you to be responsible for looking after your shared child 50% of the time thus far? How dare he try to continue the pattern of abuse and manipulation he used during your relationship now after you’ve separated, trying to label you unfit, destroy your confidence and trigger a relapse in your mental health journey?

Do not let him win. If not for you, then for your child.

Hey OP I’m sorry that this is happening, it all sounds very difficult. The primary thing in any case that is considering how much time children should spend with each parent is the welfare of the child(ren) and how their needs can be safely met. It is widely accepted that some parents may struggle with mental health and that is not a barrier to children spending time with that parent, what a court will consider is will the children be safe when with that parent. So for eg, if you are getting help/support for MH that is seen as a positive thing. You don’t say how severe your issues are and what support you are getting, do you have active treatment at the moment? Do you have support and try to use any treatments so that you can ensure that you are available to the children. A good starting point would be to explain your situation to your GP - there really are some good ones who will help in your plight and should be able to help put some support systems in place to help you through this time so please do reach out to them and show up at the court as someone who wants to maintain the same level of time the children live with you.

I’m not looking after him at the moment. My ex has taken him and is refusing to give him back for the moment. He doesn’t know how ill I am so it’s not about genuine care for DS, it’s out of spite but I’m not fighting it because you’re right - I’m not able to care for him atm. I am on medication and have regular therapy but ex’s abuse and this court process has worn me down to the point I’m seriously considering suicide. I wish I had the strength to fight, DS is the most important thing in the world to me and given the chance I’m a good mum. We’re incredibly close and losing him would make my life completely pointless. I wish I had the strength to fight but I just don’t, I feel like I’ve got a giant rock on top of me and I can’t shift it. My brain isn’t working, I can’t make the slightest decision, I can barely move. I know this is a crisis but I know that seeking help from the community mental health team or something similar would just give ex further evidence of my instability and it would be used against me, I feel completely stuck, literally. I know this is exactly what he wants - to wear me down to the point that I kill myself so I’m out of the way or to make me so ill I’m deemed an unfit parent and he gets custody. He knows my past MH struggles well and knows exactly what buttons to push to get me into this state and that’s exactly what he’s doing.

Do not kill yourself. It would destroy your son. Be strong for him.

I couldn't feel for you more. You are in such an awful situation. Put everything longterm out of your mind and focus on getting well now. You have to start to fix yourself before you can fix this problem. You are not alone and there is plenty of help out there. It seems unlikely at the moment to you, I'm sure, but you will feel better and then you can work on getting your DC back xxx

I hope you're on an anti-depressant, OP. If not, see your GP immediately. It won't come against you in terms of custody.

And it will make you the parent you want to be.

There's hope and answers for everything.

Do you have access to legal aid? You may not have evidence of DV but you still may qualify. If you have to self support you can have assistance and someone there to emotionally support you. There is help and support available so don’t despair. Not being able to cope with vexatious court case and not being a fit mother are two different things. One doesn’t prove the other.

If you are able to get a barrister, they will do most of the speaking for you. Do you have access to any funds?