Please be kind. My life has been one shit show after another since Covid and things just get worse and worse. I have one DS 4 yo, been separated from abusive ex for 2 yrs. He was controlling and emotionally abusive but I have zero evidence of this - no texts (deleted them all when we split), no witnesses, nothing (he was always totally charming around others - people think he’s the loveliest guy in the world! They have no idea what he’s really like). We’ve shared 50/50 custody of DS since we split (so 2 yrs) with no court involvement but the relationship has been impossible. He threatens, harasses and verbally abuses me - usually in front of DS.
Recently, I found out he’s taking me to court to try and have DS more (and eventually try & remove him from my life completely as he has threatened multiple times). He’s using my mental health and a historic substance abuse problem against me to try and prove I’m an unfit mother. I have suffered from depression (diagnosed) for many years but I have it under control with regular medication and as far as he can prove I’ve been stable for the last 2 years. However, his harassment along with a number of other difficult life events mean I’ve just been scraping by mentally. I work really hard on trying to get better for DS, he’s my whole world - I have regular therapy and meditate, I’ve quit drinking. I never let him see me depressed and all his physical and emotional needs are beyond met.
When DS was a baby - and please try not to judge - I hate myself for this and am beyond ashamed. I was in an accident and severely injured my back. I was put on hardcore opiate-based pain relief and got addicted to it. This was when ex & I were still together. To put the addiction into context (not saying this was acceptable) but I didn’t use the drugs (which were all prescription, massively oversubscribed by the doctor) during the day, I took care of DS during the day, it was in the evenings after I put him to bed that I’d use them. Consequently I was a zombie every evening and ex did a lot of the childcare in the nights and evenings. Despite the arsehole that he is, he’s always been very good with DS and loves him very much. While initially it was for the pain, the drugs also became a way to escape the constant putting me down and emotional abuse from my ex. Some might think I deserved the abuse - or at least understand why he left, I understand it. So after a few months of this I realised I needed serious help. So I went to rehab for a month.
Ex left me while I was in there so I came back to an empty house with a calendar with a schedule he’d written up for 50/50 custody of DS. I was overwhelmed and my MH took a nose dive. The next 6 months were the worst. I was suicidal daily and desperate for help but everytime I tried I got nowhere. I don’t know how but I still managed to parent DS and give him a fairly decent life. I went back to using too many prescription opiates in the evenings again until eventually one weekend DS was with Ex I tried to take my own life with an overdose. That was a wake-up call. I realised I could never abandon DS and I never touched prescription (or any) drugs ever again.
Since then I’ve been up and down but I was slowly starting to get there until I found out ex is taking me to court. He’s saying I’m an unfit mother due to everything I’ve described above. It’s true, I was an unfit mother back then but that was two years ago and the prescription drug addiction is my only history of addiction. My MH has also been much better and I’m doing everything I can to keep it that way. I suggested mediation after finding out he wanted to take me to court but he went to a MIAM meeting and they deemed it “inappropriate”. I’m assuming he told them about the addiction and that he was a victim (he was, in a way) but he was also abusive.
I have no way to prove his abuse - since we split he’s been very careful about what he puts in messages (maybe he was planning this all along) and he’ll only threaten and verbally abuse me in person (when we pick up/drop off DS) or over the phone. Even if I could prove it would it even make a difference?? But he can easily prove my history of MH problems & substance abuse so I feel like they’re just going to look at that and give him custody? Also, and even bringing this up is controversial I know, and I feel like an arsehole for doing it, but I’m so terrified of losing DS I’d do anything. Ex had a very low sperm count, we did IVF for years until we eventually decided to use a sperm donor. I’ve always seen ex as DS’s dad but since we’ve split and he’s been so awful to me I’ve started to feel like DS is mine and mine alone as he’s not genetically related to him. That probably makes me a horrible person as he’s always been there since he was born and is a really good dad, but I just can’t help feeling that way. We’re both on the birth certificate and both have equal parental rights.
I guess my question is is it likely he’ll get custody? Is his abuse relevant? If so is there any way to prove it? Another thing he’s been doing is trying to turn DS against me, DS has told me ex said he’d build him a treehouse (he’s obsessed with treehouses atm) if he says he what’s to live with him and “just visit mummy”. He’s encouraging him to call his new partner mum also, which is super confusing for DS. But I can’t prove this in court either can I?!