Struggling with guilt after court – has anyone co-parented with a narcissistic ex and coped with rejection from their LO?

[Gjs359]

Hi everyone,
I’m really struggling and just need to offload — maybe hear from anyone who’s been through something similar.

I’ve just come out the other side of a long, emotionally draining court battle with my ex over our LO, who’s 5. My ex is extremely manipulative and narcissistic — he’s spent years trying to control my life. This court case was just another way for him to do that. Social services got involved, but honestly, they didn’t help — if anything, they made things worse and seemed to hand him more power.

Since everything ended, LO has started to reject me. They’ve said they want to stay with their dad and not live with me. It’s completely shattered me. I know LO is young and likely being influenced, but the things they’ve said — that they hate my house, that they don’t want to come with me — have broken my heart. I’m scared to get social involved again as my ex denies everything. He’s a very good liar and court deemed him safe when I have made calls to SS before they did nothing. Ex partner was even vile to cafcass, cafcass told me this will never end yet made recommendations for LO to be in our care split.

I know it probably sounds daft, but I even asked LO if they’d like to come with me to Australia, where my only family is. I’ve wanted to move there for years, especially since losing my dad and mum passed away when I was very young, but my ex has always had a hold over me. He’s made my life absolute hell — emotionally, psychologically, financially. He’s tried to ruin my job, filed false reports, turned up with body cameras, antogonising current boyfriend and even tried to destroy my current relationship. This isn’t even unique to me — as after our relationship he had another child with another woman and she reported him to the police and that sparked this court case and after all her evidence and mine he still won. His family are a cult of narcissists.

I’ve now told him that I’m going Aus. I’ve told him LO can stay with him since that’s what LO has said that’s what he wants to do for months on end. And it kills me to say that — but I honestly don’t know how much more rejection I can take. I’ve been holding on and trying to fight, but it’s like I’ve been doing it alone this whole time.

Now I feel this overwhelming guilt. Am I abandoning my child? Or am I finally choosing to survive?

Has anyone else been through something like this — dealing with a narcissistic co-parent and a child caught in the middle? How did you manage the guilt? Did you ever rebuild that relationship?

Any advice or shared experiences would really help. I feel so alone. Thank you for reading. x

Don’t reject your child. They are hurt and confused and you are hurting understandably so.

You have been through a lot and your child is not purposefully hurting you, they are only 5.

Choose other ways to disconnect from the situation and your ex.

I suggest putting this in Chat or Relationships as that will get a lot more traffic.

as pp says do not abandon your child. Your pain is awful but it will heal, while you will never recover your relationship with your child if you go.

your relationship with LO will come good, but it’s a waiting game, eventually your ex will reveal himself to your child. They always do.

get counselling to help you through.

You're being really unfair on your dc He's 5, and rightly loves his parents. He has every right to have both of them in his life.
Will your new boyfriend go to Australia with you?

He doesn't actually know what he wants, he is so little and he's being manipulated by his dad. That doesnt mean he wouldnt miss you or wouldnt be harmed by your absence in his life.

Abusive ex isn't quite this level and wasn't willing to fight for the 50/50 he supposedly wanted. Eldest nearly had a mental breakdown worried xh would get 50/50, by contrast the other two would cry everytime they came home and ask why I wouldn't let their dad see them more and how unfair it was and how it was all my fault. They'd repeat the nasty things my ex said about me like it was truth. It is horrible and I felt like breaking and at times I've felt like why not give them that, it would be easier for me, but I knew he would harm them mentally and emotionally. Things are calming down now and none of them are asking for more time at dads, and my youngest is now begging me not to send him and angry at his dad for all the things he's saying. Middle boy still misses his dad a lot, but he no longer wants to go to his dads more than agreed 4 nights a fortnight and he thinks of my place as home not his dads. Things can take a while to settle, I think it helps once it's become a routine and they know where they are when and it just becomes normal life for them. You can move past this and develop a better relationship, you have zero chance of doing that if you step out of his life like this. His dad will block any attempt you make to be involved and your son will know you willingly left him and his dad will tell him you don't love him. You can't leave without it harming your DS.

Agree with pp, you cannot walk away from your five year old child, no matter how hurt you are. I know it is difficult, I've put up with 16 years of nonsense from my ex, but your child loves and needs you even if they are too young to articulate that.
You would do untold damage to yourself and your little one.

You either take your DC with you to Australia if the court will allow, or you move as far away from him as possible in the UK and building a safe loving home life with your little one.

Good luck

If you abandon your DC, your relationship will end and your LO will suffer at the end.

As hard as it is, you need to keep showing up for your child.

So much has changed in your child’s life, of course they are scared and confused.

Don’t leave and let them be with a narcissist full time.

Can I ask how the relationship with his other child is panning out? Is he consistent with them and does that child spend time with yours? I ask because I wonder how long this man will manage to keep this up before he loses interest, as often happens.

you should really traumatised

but no, you can’t leave your son and you shouldn’t have asked him anything like this. You need a long time to heal and to find ways to co parent where your ex can’t get to you.

he’s horrendous, it’s not going to stop. You need to continue to build evidence and you probably need some therapy too as you need to feel some of this anger.

SOUND really traumatised

What contact arrangements did the court award? It sounds like the care is split between you and your ex in some way? If so, you should stay in the UK and continue to see your DC as per the court order. Don't move to Australia unless your ex was awarded 100% custody. Try to ignore your DC saying they don't want to see you - they are young and confused, it's unfair to punish them for this.

How do you respond when they say nasty things to you?

Let your ds have one good parent. Being the dc of a narcissist is so damaging. Small dc say hurtful things from time to time. He needs his dm though. Give it time.

This sounds awful.

It is impossible to advise when we don’t know the natives of the situation. However I am not as sure as other posters that it’s as simple as saying you should not go and things will get better if you stay and are patient.

Can you afford counselling so some one can help you think this all through and come to a considered and not rushed decision?

Why on earth are you having such adult conversations with a 5 year old? Some of which seem to be verging on rather manipulative conversations themselves.

If you want to have a relationship with your child it needs to be light and breezy or youll make your situation worse.

Do not leave your child in the hands of his father. The minute you leave, his dad will likely lose all interest in him. After all, he’s only using him to get to you.

What your child is saying to you, is that he is confused. Children are wired to love both of their parents and cling to them - even when they treat them badly. This is a survival instinct. you can’t expect a child aged 5 to be able to cognitively understand what is happening and override his instincts. Also, parroting his dad’s words keeps him safe. He knows that he is loved by his father if he aligns himself with his attitude. He most likely senses when his dad is unhappy with something he says. This is also why they act out with their safe parent and act like an angel with the abusive parent. Don’t ask your child to choose between you.

How much time do you get to spend with your child?

You can’t take your child away without the court’s approval, even within the UK. Based on what you’ve said it’s unlikely they will allow you to remove him.

Please get some therapy to help you cope with co-parenting with a narcissist. There are specialist therapists, coaches and psychologists who have experience in this field. Look up Dr Cocchiola and Dr Ramani and listen to their podcasts. You need to build your strength so that you can be there for your boy.

I am where you are, too. Don’t give up, mama. Don’t let him win.

You need to rise above the hurt. You're his parent. You have a responsibility to raise your child so they can become a healthy and happy adult. Your child is probably reacting to your emotional instability. It is his way of telling you that he can tell you're unhappy and it upsets him because he doesn't understand it and can't make it better.