Child arrangement Order advice

[bam224]

I am seeking some guidance regarding our current situation.

Background

My child's biological father left during my pregnancy, and I received numerous abusive messages throughout that time. The last contact I had with him prior to the current situation occurred when I notified him of my son’s birth; his response was, "he is not my child, leave me alone."

For the first 11 months, I raised my child on my own until I met my current husband, who has since embraced my child as his own. My child has always known him as "Dad." Two years later, our family expanded to four with the birth of our youngest son. We have experienced a fulfilling life together, owning our home and consistently prioritizing our children's needs.

After our eldest child turned 8, his biological father reestablished contact, which significantly disrupted our lives. However, we sought to do the right thing by our son by agreeing to a meeting. We planned for supervised visits every two weeks for two hours in May 2024, taking a cautious approach due to my child's ADHD and possible autism, and we communicated these concerns to his biological father. Following a few visits, he began making demands for more time, despite our explanations. He eventually threatened to remove my husband’s parental responsibilities if we did not comply with his requests. Consequently, we ceased contact around June 2024.

Fast forward to December, he initiated court proceedings to gain access. This experience was distressing; the Cafcass representative seemed to favor the biological father and dismissed my comments. Initially, he was granted contact through letters, followed by supervised visits for two hours every other week with my brothers for three sessions. He is now set to have my child every Sunday for three hours without supervision, with the time gradually increasing each week. I feel that the court has not prioritized my child's best interests, as this individual chose not to participate in my son's life for over eight years, yet he is now able to re-enter on his terms. His behavior is emotionally controlling, and I feel that the court has inadvertently given him undue influence over our lives once again.

I am looking for advice regarding court orders. What are the potential consequences of not adhering to them? Does anyone have insights or experiences that could assist me in navigating this situation for the well-being of my child? I have a solicitor and will be having another meeting soon; I am simply trying to gather my thoughts on how to approach this matter effectively.

Thank you.

So firstly, unless your current husband is on the birth certificate or you had it agreed with a solicitor by your ex, he has no parental responsibility which can be removed. That is given solely to the biological parents

The build up of contact seems fair to be honest although I can absolutely understand why you wouldn't be happy about it. My eldest dad disappeared when she was 3 and has chosen to have no contact since but I do dread the day if he ever decides to reappear.

What sort of contact does he want in the long run? Every other weekend or 50/50? I would push back that every weekend is not appropriate as it leaves no time outside of schooling for your child to engage in activities with siblings. Perhaps push for a weekday evening as an alternative

Worst case scenario if you continually fail to adhere to a court order would be that primary custody is given to your child's biological father as you will be seen to not be acting in the child's best interests.

What does your child want? Does he want to see his dad?

@Mrsm010918 is wrong about parental responsibility. As your ex is not on the birth certificate, you were able to give your husband PR through a Parental Responsibility Agreement. You did not need your ex's agreement for this. If he had been on the birth certificate you would have needed his agreement to give your husband PR, but there would have been no need to involve a solicitor.

There is plenty of evidence that it is normally best for children to have a relationship with both biological parents, so the courts promote that. I can understand you not wanting your ex in your life or your child's life but I'm afraid you haven't said anything that suggests contact would not be beneficial for your son. You may be right that it isn't in your son's best interests, but the fact your ex hasn't been in his life for 8 years is not, of itself, evidence that your son should not have contact now.

If you refuse to comply with the order, there are a range of sanctions the court can use against you. They can order you to do community service. If your ex suffers a financial loss due to your refusal, you can be ordered to compensate him. They can fine you. They can send you to prison. If you continue to refuse, they can reverse living arrangements so that your son lives with his father, leaving you and your husband with whatever contact the court orders.

If you can get evidence that contact is not in your son's interests, you may be able to get the order changed. But, unless and until that happens, you need to comply with the order.

Has your ex been paying child maintenance? If not, apply.

I don't see how your ex can 'remove' pr from your husband. If you as ds parent says that your husband can e.g. pick ds up from school then he can do so because you have said he can.

Ex doesn't have pr himself at this point anyway does he?

Ultimately the important thing is if Ds is happy to go. If not then it will only be a couple of years before he can have a say or not.

Apologies, I missed the part about the ex not being on birth certificate!

If OP's ex now has PR, he can apply to the courts to remove PR from OP's husband. That doesn't stop him picking up OP's son from school, but it takes away his right to a say in her son's education, medical treatment, etc. I am not saying such an application would succeed, but OP's ex is entitled to try.

Thank you for everyone’s advice.

It is accurate that my husband has parental responsibility, and his birth father is not listed on the birth certificate.

My child has been experiencing emotional difficulties since contact with his birth father began, and we have observed changes in his behavior immediately following their meetings. I am concerned that he may be suppressing his feelings while with his birth father, as he often expresses overwhelming emotions upon returning home. As his mother, it is challenging for me to witness this, as I know my child better than anyone and can clearly see the impact this situation is having on him. His school has also recognized these changes, and I am collaborating with them to support him through this process as effectively as possible. His birth father is encouraging him to call him "dad" and expressing love for him, which my child has indicated makes him uncomfortable as he does not know him and feels he already has a dad. I believe this may be contributing to his current feelings about the situation.

I appreciate the information regarding adherence to the court order; I was uncertain about our options, and this guidance has been beneficial as I await further discussions with my solicitor. I am striving to comprehend the entire process as clearly as possible.

While I have strong feelings regarding this situation, I would never project them onto my child. If my child decides he wants his birth father to be part of his life, I will not obstruct this; my priority is to navigate this difficult situation in a manner that is best for him.

This entire situation is significantly affecting my mental health, leading to panic attacks and sleep disturbances. I truly value everyone’s input, as it greatly assists me in understanding everything more clearly.

I hope that if my ex chooses to pursue this matter, he will be required to provide a rationale for his decision and explain why he believes it is not in my child's best interests. My husband has cared for and provided a loving and stable home for my child over the past eight years. I find it difficult to understand how my ex could justify removing custody based solely on his personal preferences.

For the past nine years, my ex has prioritized his own needs over those of my child. It appears that the court favors him merely because he is the biological parent. He did not attempt to reach out to meet my child over the years and he did not contribute financially to my child until we initiated a maintenance claim in December. Additionally, he has lived around the corner from us this whole time but has put his head down when he seen us in public.

While I fully recognize the court's position on the importance of a child maintaining relationships with both parents, my ex has shown little interest in our child until recently, when it became convenient for him. This feels like his best interests are being put before my child's, my child is well looked after, cared for and has never experienced instability in his life until this happened.

Yes, he would have to justify removing your husband's PR. He would need some solid reasons for why it is in your child's best interests for your husband's PR to be removed.

I'm confused that there is a court order for contact. How is this possible if the ex have no PR? Shouldn't he have had that in place first? The OP could ordinarily refuse contact to someone with no PR. Is this the UK?

I hope PP is correct. Shocking if the courts would take away the PR of the only father he has ever known in favour of the sperm doner who abandoned him for 8 years.

You are doing an amazing job OP in such difficult circumstances.

A parent can apply for a CAO regardless of whether they have PR - Children Act 1989 S10(4)(a). OP's ex may, of course, have applied for PR at the same time as applying for a CAO.

Yes, this is in the UK, and he applied for both matters simultaneously. We attended the initial hearing in December, and we are scheduled for our final hearing at the end of May to evaluate the ongoing contact and how it should progress. This upcoming hearing will primarily focus on overnight stays, special occasions, and his parental responsibility.

I feel disappointed with the court system, as it seems that my child's well-being has not been fully considered. This situation has significantly impacted his life, and he is clearly struggling. Unfortunately, I do not have physical evidence to substantiate this other than my word which isn't enough. I hope that the school can provide a report regarding our discussions, which may be helpful. At this moment, he is a 9-year-old boy experiencing a stranger entering his life, expressing love and calling himselfdad. As his mother, all I can do is support him to the best of my ability, and it feels quite unfair.

Its because you applied for matainance your arguing thst he does not have any rights to the child but he must still contribute. Your husband is the one supposed to be paying. You seem dishonest and tbh this will blow up in your face in court

He is his dad. Could he call him daddy ex first name? I think you have your family set up and now there's a spanner in the works. If both you and your dp can be more encouraging about his contact with his dad he may not react so badly. Let him tell you rather thsn you question him about visits