Withdrawing DV report

[kittykat5839]

I reported a dv report against previous partner, I then got an email to say he will be invited for an interview.

I wanted to report this without it being escalated just so they had it on file somewhere. However I don’t want to persue the case.

how do I withdraw this without him knowing I made the report in the first place

please help very stressed out

I have filed reports using 101 online (not DV) but there is always a tick box that asks if you would be happy to attend court if any proceedings were to happen. When you report a crime, the police have a duty of care to investigate and prosecute where appropriate. As others have said, they don’t need your permission to continue the investigation.

You’ve said numerous times upthread that you don’t want others’ “two pence” - but here’s mine.

You’re either in an abusive relationship and getting in to a cycle of abuse, apologises gets better, abuse, gets better which is a horrific situation, so please take advice from the strangers who are trying to help you get out before it’s worse for you and DC.

Or, you made a report for something out of spite (half truthful, or untruthful) and you are now worried that he would leave you based on this.

Either way, your defensiveness in this thread shows that perhaps you need to mature a little.

And then the next time he's violent to you, or your DC they may be less likely to believe you. You may be accused parental alienation if he takes you to family court. I know you don't want to listen to me OP, but you clearly wanted to safeguard your child. Stay strong.

Great. Let's make it even harder for women to be believed. OP he has assaulted you. He isn't a good person or a great dad, because they don't assault the mother of their child. Ever.

Do not tell the Police you lied. You have a child to protect and the repercussions could be enormous.

OP is getting a hard time here…I think many posters don’t understand the reality of living with a violent man. It’s not safe to make an abuser aware that you’ve reported them and they often don’t just maintain a ‘respectful and low contact’ co-parenting relationship when things escalate.

Can you speak to Womens Aid OP? It's 15 years since I was in your situation, but I went to speak to someone at Womens Aid and they helped me with all sorts of things and they listened. Not sure about your living situation, but I was renting in a joint tenancy with him and they helped me get him off the tenancy agreement and out the house. It's not want you want to hear, but the moment he was violent is the moment you and your children stopped being safe.

What did he do ? Has he ever done it before ?
I honestly don’t think getting back with him is a good idea , any sort if violence is not acceptable and rarely is “ just a rough patch “
in my experience it’s just the start of a lot worse
did your child witness the incident?

Thats a bad idea, not just because it will give him an opportunity to assault you again but also you could get into trouble.
Additionally when he assaults you again if you decide to report it at that point or if you want to report any future assaults (they will happen) you may be less likely to be believed
Also, if you have a child you must be seen to be safeguarding them

So in summary, worst cases scenario - you are prosecuted, he can freely assault you and SS are involved with any children you may have

It's an ex, if there are no children then reporting it puts her at risk unnecessarily. Yes it may help someone else, but potentially at the expense of her own safety when she was otherwise presumably uninvolved and safe now.
There absolutely should be some kind of system where it can be reported and kept as a soft file to build a picture for future reports.

I do understand. I've been in that situation and it took me ten years to report and leave. It's incredibly difficult, but the simple fact is that the OP is not safe and hasn't been since he hit her. Reporting it was the right thing to do, but also increases her risk. By staying together and lying to the police, she makes it less likely they will believe her next time AND more likely for her DP to assault her again. She needs to make plans to keep her child safe even if she can't do it for herself

@FairlyTiredit's not an ex and there are children.

Oh my good God. Do not tell the police that you lied. Are you insane? You'll get done for wasting police time and they'd still potentially alert him to all of this anyway.

If you want to know what will probably happen, it's this. They've decided he's a risk and have a duty to alert social services. Social will speak to you and realise that you're minimising his behaviour. They will then question whether you're capable of keeping your child safe. The police are unlikely to charge him with anything as you're not yet willing to stand against him - which is fine, these things are difficult. The police barely act on men who are actively dangerous. Will it affect your relationship with him? Well, he will punish you because you've stepped out of line and aren't playing the role he expects of you. Will he cut you out of his life? Absolutely not. You are his play thing to bully.

Do you really think abusive men are just abusive to women? Do you think they can contain their behaviour around children? You need to contact Women's Aid and do Freedom. He won't know you're doing it. I am sure you will be really enlightened after the course.

The police will do their job regardless.

It's right that they should. I have reported DV to the police, and the fact people are capable of change doesn't mean they're absolved of any crimes they have already committed.

You should worry less about maintaining a relationship with him and worry more about keeping yourself and your child safe from a known abuser.

Please do not do this. Not only could you be prosecuted for wasting police time, but when this man harms you again it will be so much harder to get support from the police.
Irrespective of where you’re at emotionally and mentally now, this man abused you. Enough for you to report it to the police. He is not a good or decent man.

If they're going to speak to him, knowing that you won't make a statement or support a prosecution, then there is a reason they are doing so.

With my ex it was because I wasn't the first to speak them about him...

You opened the can of worms, @kittykat5839 . The police can still decide to take any incident forward- been there.
Is it worth risking further violence because you are now 'friends'?

I would have a chat with women’s aid and a councillor is you can, it is so hard to deal with these things and the emotions that go with it by ourselves. My two cents (from my own experience) is that unless he’s been in therapy for years doing things like cognitive behaviour therapy etc… it is highly unlikely he changed. When things are going well and calm he will be fine but the first time things are hard or there is conflict he will hit you again, or worse. People who abuse can be so nice and apologetic afterwards, there can be months of calm but if something triggers them again they will hit again. They have never learned to control their emotions so an adrenal spike can send them lashing out - it is not an easy fix or something you switch off without years of work. You have to ask is that a relationship you want to repair and do you want your child to grow up seeing that as the male/female dynamic.

My dad was abusive to my mum (controlling and really angry rather towards her - lots of threats of violence and he end up hitting my brother on quite a few occasions in his teens). It does mess you up. My older brother got top out of 150 kid in his secondary entrance exam but was then constantly in trouble, changed school 4 times and failed all his exams. He was an angry misogynist for years, repeating the same stuff my dad used to say. In his 30s he got therapy, a degree and is doing well but he is so much quieter than he used to be. He is good looking, incredibly smart and can be very kind but he has has to work so hard on the anger. My little brother who was 7 when they split says he doesn’t remember negative stuff about my dad but ended up marrying someone who was controlling, emotionally and financially abusive and did not see it. He spend a decade in fear of upsetting her, he hasn’t dated since they split and says he is staying single as he doesn’t want to end up in that situation again.

My dad grew up in a scary abusive household - violence and really horrible comments by his narcissist dad, he has now had decades of therapy and lots of medication but he was scarred by his childhood. His older brother went on to be a violent abuser who hospitalised his wife and son, he went on to spend time in a mental health hospital and is now on so much medication it is hard to talk to him. His older sister nervous talks and overshares, she’s had decades of therapy. His younger sister who seems well put together also overshares and is in a controlling relationship where her partner dictates how she wears her hair, dresses etc…

My mum took 16 years to leave my dad as she thought it was better for us to have him in our lives and didn’t want us to grow up in a broken home. I much preferred my home life and both my parents when they split up - being alone also forced my dad to get help for his issues which will never be fully resolved. Kids see abuse, they hear shouting at a time when their personalities are shaping, it damages their own abilities to self regulate so they can become people pleasers to avoid conflict or lash out when they get stressed like their abuser parent. Many people who witness abuse growing up become abusive or end up marrying people who abuse them too. If your child grows up hearing or seeing abuse he/she will be damaged by it no matter how well you think you hide it.

Thatll achieve nothing. They'll havd heard this so many times before they'll know you're lying now. Being charged with wasting police time and getting a criminal record is a really bad idea

Don't tell them you lied. Tell them you have a child together and you still have to communicate with him regularly and would they reconsider interviewing him for your safety.