Sorry this is long but there is relevant history which I feel will help with any advice.
history is typical emotionally abusive / controlling ex who wanted 50/50 care to remove child support liability payments (his words not mine)
Cafcass were involved because of his domestic abuse and alcohol abuse issues.
I have a CAO for my soon to be 9 year old. This has been in place for 5 years.
the current order states 9/5 split every 2 weeks in my favour and all holidays are split 50/50 dates to be agreed in writing by the parents.
this coming schedule year he has made the arrangements and has suggested Halloween, bonfire night, Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve, Easter Sunday and our child's birthday all fall on days with him. I obviously went back to negotiate some of the timings and splits of particular holidays as I feel our child should be able to spend some of those times with us as she has done previously.
We had previously agreed (years ago) that whosever weekend it was when the holidays began would get the first half of the holiday period and then swap at the half way point.
this has been changed by him this year so now the summer hols and the Easter hols fall on my weekend first but he's made it so that he is having his time in the middle of the periods so chopping up our quality time and making it impossible to make decent travel plans. With the exception of the court ordered 2:2:1:1 split in the summer holidays I don't get a run of time more than 6 days which I feel is unreasonable on top of the fact that all occasion days are with him.
he is refusing to negotiate at all unless I agree that our child sleeps at his for 1 night every other week to reduce his maintenance payments (again his words not mine).
now we're stuck as neither of us will
agree. I have spoken to our child about additional contact and she has said that she does not want to have any more sleeps at her dad's. I haven't cornered her and questioned her I proposed the idea of her having that time after one of her clubs and she refused.
because of his behaviour historically our CAO has the following 2 recitals
•Upon the parties agreeing to promote a positive view of one another with the children and not to make derogatory or negative remarks about one another, partners or family members in the presence of the child.
•Upon the court confirming that the Respondent did not give a formal undertaking at the hearing on [date redacted]. However, at the hearing on [date redacted] the Court expressed an expectation that the Father would continue to adhere to the commitment made at the hearing on [date redacted], to refrain from drinking alcohol 24 hours prior to and during the time that the child is to live with him, in order to reassure the Applicant.
He has long standing alcohol issues as well as multiple drink driving offences, numerous violent convictions where alcohol was an aggravating factor and other offending including public order offences and as recent as 2023 an arrest for a violent offence where alcohol was involved.
our child has come back from a holiday with him where he has been drinking and has left her on her own at the bar whilst he went to the bathroom. He was gone for so long that a person they met at the hotel found her crying and brought her to a staff member who were going to alert the Spanish authorities however, he managed to find her before they could do that. Worrying in itself and I have vowed never to let him take her on holiday again, but he is also drinking around her at home when she is there on a weekend.
I am seriously considering (against my better judgement as the courts failed us last time) to apply to the courts to amend the order to offer us both more protection from his dangerous and controlling ways.
i have tried searching but haven't got a clear answer, from experience are the above recitals enforceable....in that he has clearly breached both of them on multiple occasions. Is there enough to go back to court to vary the order in our favour?!
in that I know that can vary the whole order and he can make an application for 50/50 custody which would be devastating for us so I've been trying to avoid it as it's a massive risk.
our child is terrified of him and will never be able to tell him what she actually wants to do, she tells him what he wants to hear to appease him as he is very manipulative and emotionally abusive towards her. He also terrifies her because of his attitude and his temper. She also feels anxious about his alcohol consumption as she said on holiday he had a different face and was really mean.
any advice would be appreciated as I feel we are at a loss.
social care won't help without his consent, and I don't really trust the legal system after I received horrendously bad and dangerous advice from a legal professional which put us both in danger (he got drunk whilst in control of our child and when I came to collect her he punched the mirror off my car and covered us both in glass). But I was told to maintain the contact otherwise I could lose all my rights.