50/50 Custody Controlling Ex

[Wiseman1984]

My ex and I separated 6 years ago and have a 7 year old son. She was always controlling, manipulative, spoilt and everything has always had to be on her terms.

Last year she called me to inform me she was moving our son an hour away with her new boyfriend of 9 months, moving him school and that I would go from seeing him 6/14 nights to EOW. I did not approve the school move as I felt my son needed stability, so I successfully blocked this after involving solicitors & mediation.

She has had various partners and another baby in the 6 years since we split. My son has now had 5 house moves and lived with 2 of the partners who have both treated him badly (no physical abuse as far as I am aware but lots of emotional abuse).

My son recently informed me the new boyfriend is horrible to him which raised concerns. I won't go into full details but this ultimately resulted in the boyfriend being arrested for coercive control and is now on bail whilst under investigation.

Once this happened, my ex only then decided to leave him as I informed her my son would be staying with me and no longer going back to the house they shared with the boyfriend (boyfriend owns the property).

My ex is now in emergency accommodation from the council until she is permanently housed which my son is not happy with, however I appreciate this is necessary for their safety.

We have a written agreement in place which we both agreed on last year and this included our son spending birthdays with the respective parents. However when I asked for my son on my birthday, I was refused as it was a school night (even though he would have been in bed by 7.30pm).

There is a constant use of coercive control and everything is always on her terms even though she was the one who put the agreement in place. I asked for an additional day in the school holidays recently which was refused, even though I have given up a weekend for her to go on holiday with my son as I know he will enjoy it. There always seems to be a power trip whenever I ask for anything and I normally get refused.

I have had enough of this so I am now about to apply for a 50/50 shared custody order and for it to be made legally binding. The current set up is 47/53 but I have maintained for a couple of years now that I would like it to be 50/50. I feel my son is entitled to equal time with both parents and I want to avoid my ex using the 'I am more important as I have him more' or 'I am more important because I am his mother' which I get regularly. I know she also wants the keep the child maintenance payments as she has said so previously.

She provides no stability and I can see this is negatively affecting my son so I wish for him to at least be able to spend 50% of his time with me so I can ensure he has stability from my side.

What are your thoughts on this? Am I likely to be awarded 50/50?

50/50 usually means no cms paid.... Which is as it should be imo.
Go for it.

She sounds very unstable, definitely go for 50/50 if not you being the resident parent. He’s so young, he deserves stability and security.

You are likely to get 50/50 and it sounds like it would be in your son’s interest.

Go for it. It sounds like your son needs at least part of his life to be stable. I never understand women who inflict endless relationships on their children. Good luck.

I think as you're not far off 50/50 already, I don't see why it wouldn't be granted, assuming you can prove that you can care for him on these days eg any necessary childcare etc.

Thank you for your responses.

@Sunat45degrees yes there is no issues with childcare. My suggestion to make it 50/50 is that I have my son on a Wednesday in the school holidays. My wife and I both have flexible jobs.

I currently have my son including all school runs:

Week 1 - Thursday & Friday night
Week 2 - Thursday - Sunday night
4 full weeks in school holidays

The remaining 9 Wednesdays in the school holidays will make it an even split and this also ensures my sons routine isn't disrupted during school term time.

So during school term you have your DS currently 5/14. Then you have 4 weeks of holiday. Let's assume you're not counting half terms as those are just the normal schedule, but there's usually about 10 weeks of holiday a year, so you're currently doing 4 out of 10 weeks of holiday.

by my calculations, you're not realy that close to 50/50 and getting 9 extra wednesdays doesn't make it 50/50.

@Sunat45degrees I have him Thursday and Friday week 1 and Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday week 2 which is 6/14 (this is every week at the moment apart from the 4 full weeks I have him over the holidays)

Thursday and Friday every week = 96 days
Saturday and Sunday EOW = 48 days
4 full weeks in school holidays = 28 days

This amounts to 172 days which is 47% of 365.

The remaining 9 Wednesdays will take that to 181 days which is 50% (apart from a day)

There are 13 weeks school holidays and I currently have him for 4 of those for the whole time. That leaves 9 weeks remaining for which I have asked for a Wednesday.

OP - apologies, so you have him Sunday nights as well? I had read it as you returning him home on Sunday evenings. In which case, my original point stands - you're so close it shouldn't make that much difference and yes, why wouldn't you be granted

If you're going back to court and he's had all this disruption so far then I would also be looking to be named as the resident parent.

He needs consistency and she isn't providing that.

I'm not normally a fan of court but it makes sense to get everything documented and a firm order in place.

There are also family mediation apps you can use for all correspondence - her shenanigans over birthdays etc aren't fair on your son.

Agree with everything @InspectorGidgetsays but I’d also be considering whether the child might be better off with you more than 50% of the time. It’s not about being fair to the parent but what is in the best interests of the child and your ex seems to have very dubious boundaries and unstable home /living situation.

@Sunat45degrees yes I have Sunday nights too and then take him to school Monday. Apologies for the confusion.

I have considered going for more than 50% and being the resident parent. If I am being completely honest, I know I shouldn't take her feelings into consideration, but there is a part of me that feels guilty on both my ex and my son. I know logically what the right thing is but easier said than done when emotions kick in.

My concern is the court will deny 50/50 as it is so close already that they will not consider it and will instead say to stick to the current status quo. However it is more about having as much access to my son so I can protect him and to stop her controlling the set up because she has him more and is the RP.

I can't see them denying it.
I'd also go for residency. His life seems very unstable.

Who deals with Admin relating to the child? to include Doctor & dentist appointments and all school Admin. Which we know can be very onerous at times. Who is primary contact for the school?

I'd go for it. It seems like it would be sensible for all concerned and there's nothing to indicate it's should be refused. And having it all wrapped up officially will also help

@socialdilemmawhattodo it is shared. Doctors is dealt with by me as he is registered under mine. Dentist his mother deals with but whoever’s day it is will take him to the appointment. School admin is shared as we both have the app and emails go to both of us.