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Advice on cohabiting

10 replies

Beesus · 10/02/2025 12:54

Hi, my partner and I are at loggerheads about our financial arrangement which was put in place when we first started living together but now isn’t working due to having kids and me working part time. He earns a lot more than me but has a very stressful job (I mean, REALLY stressful) with very long hours, so I’ve always taken over most of the family stuff and kept in my job without trying to climb the ladder because it’s flexible around family life, handy for school etc.

Even though he contributes double what I do to the family pot he’s also able to save a lot more than me and he wants to retire early so he can get out of his job, which I understand, but I’m pissed off with this as I’ve been raising a young family on top of my job and have also been busting my guts and would like to retire early if he’s going to.

He’s willing to negotiate but we just can’t agree on an equitable split and don’t want to get married and we therefore both want someone to help us reach an agreement. I thought seeing a mediator might help, as they help couples decide on an equitable split when getting divorced (which we’re not) but is there a better way? A lawyer would help I’m sure but thinking a mediator would be much more reasonable?

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 10/02/2025 17:00

I think if you need to be buying in a mediator to 'negotiate' something so fundamental as understanding you are a family, then your relationship doesn't sound like it is in a good place.

Why wouldn't all income go in to the family pot, and both partners treated equally with the same amount going out to their own 'spends' ?

MouldyCandy · 10/02/2025 17:16

Add up ALL your joint expenses. This includes the difference in pension contributions (both employee and employer) of you working PT rather than FT.
Each pay a % share of salary into the joint pot.
Each person has their own money for their own spends.
Each do roughly 50:50 of household chores and/or employ a cleaner/gardener funded from the joint pot. Draw up a cooking/laundry rota if necessary.
You don't say how old your DC are but ideally split bathtime/bedtime and or trips to sports clubs etc. If he's not available for family time in the week, he needs to prioritise this at the weekend.

Beesus · 10/02/2025 17:19

My thoughts too, and no our relationship isn’t the healthiest, but that’s a whole different thread. What I really want is for someone to tell him this but hearing it from me isn’t working. So wondering who the best person to help me argue my case is, a lawyer or a mediator or someone else?

OP posts:
Fitzcarraldo353 · 10/02/2025 17:25

Relationship counsellor?

MouldyCandy · 10/02/2025 19:55

What is your financial arrangement now and what is it that's pissing you off?

CaroIus · 10/02/2025 20:00

Are you married?

TenderChicken · 10/02/2025 20:08

Wow you are massively financially disadvantaged by this set up. He gets to focus on his career and save, you have to stagnate your career and only work part time, saving less.

This is what marriage is for, why didn't you want to get married?

Tbh it doesn't bode well for your relationship that you want to bring in a third party because he doesn't listen to you.

titchy · 10/02/2025 20:11

Beesus · 10/02/2025 17:19

My thoughts too, and no our relationship isn’t the healthiest, but that’s a whole different thread. What I really want is for someone to tell him this but hearing it from me isn’t working. So wondering who the best person to help me argue my case is, a lawyer or a mediator or someone else?

Solicitor...

carly2803 · 10/02/2025 21:52

hope your name is on the house because you are not entitled to any of his pension

he will retire early and f off because you are not married

get married.....

TizerorFizz · 11/02/2025 15:12

He’s not responsible for anything. You are separate people snd not married. I don’t understand why women accept this situation but don’t get married. You don’t have protection. Your dc have a father but he’s not responsible for you.

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