Dad asking for more contact

[CatLady1987]

Hi everyone

I’d like some advice, please. My son sees his father for two hours supervised contact a month, plus a 30 minute video call. He served a 22 month prison sentence for assaulting our son when he was 8 weeks old. This contact has been ongoing as above since our son was around 18 months old. We went through the court process several years ago and I have sole custody of him under a child arrangements order; so he lives with me but has supervised contact (by paternal grandmother) with his father.

His dad’s prison sentence has now concluded (11 months custodial, 11 months on licence). His dad wants two face to face visits a month (to start with, he says) and for my mum not to go on contact. I send my mum to contact as an extra pair of eyes because of what he did to our son.

The final court order makes provision for the arrangements to change subject to my agreement and the local authority either saying they don’t need to be involved, or agreeing to the changes. The local authority said they don’t envisage contact increases being in my son’s best interests in the short or medium term (from the order in 2021).

I feel sick to my stomach that this man thinks he’s served his sentence and that absolves him of his crimes. He’s never said sorry for what he did to our son, or showed any remorse. Does anyone have any advice? Things have been as amicable as possible and he’s chosen the dates for contact that suit him, I’ve been as flexible as possible with it all. I don’t think he’ll ever be safe to be unsupervised around our son, but I feel like this is the start of asking for more and more time. Do fathers who injure their children actually get away Scot-free in the long term? I don’t want to agree to more time and increase the risk, in my eyes.

I don’t know what to do. Thank you for reading.

edit - I think the time he gets is more than enough and fair given what he did. There’s absolutely no remorse there, just “I’ve proven that I’m safe supervised and I’ve served my sentence”. I just wish I knew that the local authority would back me up in my absolute desire to safeguard my son from this person.

Just say No. This is very clear cut he did something so serious he served time. He doesn't get to make any demands on contact or how it develops. If he is unhappy with it let him payout and have a court make the decision that way if anything else happens it was completely out of your hands.

Say no and quote what the local authority said in 2021 about them not envisioning it ever being in his best interests.

The LA are expecting you to safeguard by following that.

Thank you both. The local authority said that given the report of the psychologist, they don’t envisage contact arrangements being increased in the short or medium term being in my son’s best interests. That was in 2021. Whatever short or medium term means? The order makes room for alternative arrangements to be made regarding contact, subject to my agreement and that of the local authority (or their confirmation that they don’t need to be involved), to save the matter going back to court to amend the order. So he effectively has a right to ask. His solicitor had that put into the order specifically. What I don’t know is whether the local authority will back me if I say no, and what happens if they support the change/increase in face to face contact.

IANAL but i was involved in quite a few family court proceedings. (DV)

Seems to me that the psychology report would have been crucial in the decision of very limited contact, so that is what you will need do refer back to. Just refuse and let him take it back to court.

So you say No. He doesn't agree. So you go back to court.

I think it's fairly standard to have a section that says contact can be changed with the consent of both parents to allow changes as DC grow and their needs develop. It doesn't mean you have to agree with anything he, or a solicitor says. You only have to agree with what is dictated by the court.

I'd view short - term and long term as the time after the sentence is served in custody and in the community. You don't feel comfortable sending your DS so it's a no. The court, if they lose their mind may agree that he should have more contact but that will be their decision not yours, and it will have brought you some time 6months- a year which your DC will grow and become more independent and better able to communicate.

You can always ring social services / LA for their advice. There might be a compromise like an additional supervised contact at a contact centre so he is supervised by professionals and not family.

If it can only change subject to your agreement, and “The local authority said they don’t envisage contact increases being in my son’s best interests in the short or medium term (from the order in 2021)”, then just say no. If he doesn’t like it, tough. Safeguarding, and the best interests if the child, come before any other considerations. You have said you don’t feel he would be safe round your son - phone social services and ask for their advice.

Id say no. If he wants it he can go to court and try and convince a judge and social services he's a changed man.

Thanks so much everyone. I am seeking advice from a child law advice line and I’ll get in touch with social services as well. I’m sorry for the way my post reads as well, it all feels very black and white the way it’s written. The psychologist was adamant that it was highly unlikely he could ever change as was more than frank about the risks he poses to my son. Yet the local authority still allowed supervised contact, so you can appreciate why I need to do my own research and figure out my options - I just need to know that they’ll support me in saying no. It’s so hard when you have to safeguard your own child from someone who’s done then such harm and you’re not physically there to protect them. To me, he’s proved nothing. There will always be that risk and increasing face to face contact whilst my son is still so vulnerable is just too risky.

This for me too. No way would I be willingly facilitating more contact - the court can decide.

I think it's highly unlikely with such high profile cases that anyone would go increasing unsupervised contact with someone who got a custodial order for an act directly against the child. You can imagine the havoc you could cause with MPs and the media on this one. Normally it's very wishy washy, the actual was against the mother etc but this isn't.

They might go for more remote or supervised contact in a different way.

I'd be astounded whether he is even able to work with children in a professional role let alone directly access to the very child the act was against.

Sorry, I’m a bit confused by the reply above. He has no unsupervised contact with our son. He wants to increase the supervised contact. I can just tell by his wording that he’s going to keep pushing for more, as he wants “contact to be twice a month face to face… to start with”… There’s no mention in any of the orders about it ever being unsupervised - although he alluded to wanting this during the court proceedings. Obviously that fell on its face. To me, he’s still a risk to our son. It might be supervised but it doesn’t take away what he did, or his propensity to cause harm. It merely mitigates the risk.

Do you know whether he is doing this because he genuinely wants to spend time with his son (which sounds unlikely given what he did), or is he just trying to punish you?

There has been a recent case where a father was stripped of his parental responsibility due to raping the mother of the child.

The Rights of Women charity can give advice on situations like yours.

Thank you for your comment. It’s hard to know. I thought I knew him before he did what he did, but afterwards I realised I didn’t know him at all. I trusted someone who wasn’t the person I thought he was. During the proceedings other troubling things transpired, one of which I will use as another reason for saying no to more contact. His family, especially his mother, are very controlling and they see it as their right to see their son/grandson. I don’t doubt there’s an element of her desires in all this. Because I barely speak to him apart from arranging contact, it’s hard to know his motivations. I think he wants quiet time with our son, as he’s out in public in busy places with him as the court order stipulates. I have this sinking feeling if he gets more time, and we removed my mum’s extra supervision (which he’s also asked for), him and his mother wouldn’t hesitate to take my son back to their house.

Say no. Stick to the current arrangements. He should consider himself lucky he sees your son at all. Don’t give in to his request - if you say yes at this point, it becomes a thin edge of a wedge and he will continue to push against it until he gets what he wants - which is unfettered access to your son.

No no and no. He cannot be trusted with your son EVER and if you take him back to court, I'd be pushing for removal of PR not increased contact. I really feel for you OP because who on earth in their right mind would think enforced contact with your perpetrator is in the best interests of the child. The mind boggles but I appreciate you have to comply with court ordered contact however painful.
I'd be shouting from the rooftops about this & making it clear he is a know and proven risk to your child - contacting your local MP, journalists, specialist lawyers whoever you think might listen and push to overturn this crazy ruling and cut him out of your child's life for good. Nothing good will come of this and you need to continue advocating for your son and protecting him from this monster & what sounds like severely dysfunctional family.

Please please please just say no. No good can come of it.

Thank you for validating my feelings. I was so backed into a corner during the court proceedings and I had to do anything and everything I could to keep my son. I had to show I could work harmoniously with the man who betrayed everyone’s trust in the gravest way. My own contact was supervised for over a year, despite never harming a hair on my child’s head. I wasn’t even allowed to stay at home with him, I had to leave every night. Yet the one who hurt him gets to ask for more? I’m so grateful that my son is thriving but sadly this process makes you feel powerless sometimes. I even send my own mum as extra protection and he wants to take that away? The sense of entitlement is astounding.

I’ve just contacted the old social worker and said he’s been in touch about increasing contact and that I don’t feel comfortable with this. I’ve asked if they will support my position. If they do, does anyone know how likely it is, if he takes it to court, that a judge would grant his request?

@CatLady1987 I think it's fairly unlikely people will have been in your very specific situation where he has already had a conviction.

You've made an excellent decision though. I think when you push back he will get arsey and make life difficult or drop it altogether inorder to punish you in a different way

Thank you, I appreciate that, I guess I just wish I had a crystal ball that told me whether people in authority would back me up with this

I'm pretty sure cafcas would definitely not be recommending any more contact and I think social services would likely to agree with this..

When my partner cheated on me cut off all my contact because her abusive partner told her too my previous mental health was used against me,my past issues with drugs in my teens and 20s I had to spend thousands literally getting an hair strand test and independent psychology report..

But thankfully social services were very supportive,but in your case this is someone who has assaulted his own child,the day he did this is the day he lost his right to see or have any say in his child's life.

I think you will find that those in a professional capacity will definitely support you and recognise the risk this man poses.i don't think you have anything to worry about.and I think it's great you are standing your ground

Thank you. I’d like to think they would but his solicitor had it written into the court order that increases to contact could be agreed in writing in the future if the local authority agree or say they don’t need to be involved. I tried to buck against it at the time, but it was so hard. Their argument was that it avoided the need to go back to court in future and have to have the court order amended. His solicitor gave the example of 10 years (eg if contact was suggested to increase or requested by him). It’s barely been 4 years since he started seeing his son again. I suppose that was just her example but the court order is so vague. It just worries me that they’ll think he’s behaved himself and served a prison sentence so he’s entitled to it being increased. It really proves nothing to me. He isn’t writing to me saying he’s a changed man, he’s sorry he hurt his son (and could have killed him). It’s honestly making me sick to my stomach.

I’m so sorry you went through all that as well, that must’ve been so horrible.

I just wanted to say thank you to you all, from the bottom of my heart, for all your comments and advice. I’m incredibly lucky to have a healthy, happy little boy.