Ex Husband won't help pay medical bills

[ThisGutsyTurtle]

Hello,
So, I'm divorced and share a 16 year old DD. Post covid they have a number of medical issues and some psychological and psychiatric ones - they're also bed bound needing to be horizontal 20 hours a day. Our DD has zero contact with their dad (DD's decision) as my ex was verbally abusive to them during the time we were married and lived as a family and once was rough with them/hurt them in an argument. We got away and have a safe home now. (he was abusive to me too and also had a mistress for most of the marriage)

Child maintenance is paid but he has appealed every year and upped his pension to minimise what's paid even though he's comfortably off (assets around £1m and a good income an no mortgage on either of his properties)

Our DD has been waiting years to see CAHMS and has deteriorated so much that they've started counselling and are about to see a private psychiatrist. I am a single parent and these are not cheap fees. I'm desperate to help them live again.

In the divorce, in order to keep the house I now live in, I need to pay the ex money every month as part of the minute of agreement. I was screwed over in the divorce but I have been paying this without fail to this point.

My question/what I'm looking for thoughts on please -

My belief is that CMS is for living day to day expenses, home, food, clothes, etc but wouldn't also be expected to stretch to medical bills. When I paid him the divorce payment this week, I deducted his equal share of the CBT therapy bills for this month. I suggested that when the psychiatrists bills come in I will send them to him and deduct his half share from the payment I need to give him.

He's now threatening legal action against me and says it's all my fault that our DD is "this way"

He wrote this to me

I do not accept these charges. Whilst I am sorry our child seems to be having issues, I have no involvement in her life, given I have been cut off. He goes on to say he will get the lawyers onto me if I don't pay him more.

What do you think? AIBU to hope he'd pay his share to help our teen get their life on track (they are not living at the moment at all - bed bound, not able to go out, very poorly needing psychiatric care)

Morally, of course he should pay. Legally, I don't think he'd be expected to pay anything above CMS mandated amount and you'd be on risky ground reducing any court ordered payment you were made to pay him re the house.

I'm sorry for your child's situation but you have opted for a private psychiatrist . You pay for it not your x.

You cant demand he pays half of the treatment, but maybe you can argue that you can no longer afford the payments due to your change in circumstances - it must be hard for you to work? You could reduce the payments and see if he takes you to court but i would get advice first .

Legally you can’t make him pay it. Sorry OP, it sounds like a crap situation for you

I can't understand why you thought someone why has no contact with your dd,mess physically abusive and who contests the child maintenance payments every year was going to pay for private medical bills.

If you want to amend an Order you need to go back to Court - but private medical expenses are a luxury not a necessity so you will face an uphill battle to fix this liability on the child’s father

Sounds like their relationship is not existent so that's why he refuses to help with the bills. It's hard but I don't think he can be made to pay.

Sorry op, but this. Morally, of course he should pay. But he isn’t going to and legally you can’t make him. I’m really sorry about your DD, I hope she improves soon.

You owe him money from your divorce settlement, it’s not okay to take money off that to pay for things you haven’t okayed with him. You can’t possibly have thought he’d just go along with that?

I wouldn’t do it again, or have anyone invoice him. You describe him as a monster so playing games like this isn’t wise.

I’m sorry for your daughter’s struggles, it must be very hard. You’ve both cut your ex off so just carry on without trying to involve him in anything.

If your DD doesn’t see him, and it sounds like you haven’t encouraged it why should be pay for more than his legal obligation. You can’t have it both ways

It sounds like a really horrible situation for you and your DD, I am so sorry that she is struggling. I totally sympathise with you wanting to get her life on track.

But you had a legal agreement concerning finances and you can’t arbitrarily decide to change that without going back to the negotiating table. I don’t think his point is unfair that he is cut off and so all he sees from his side is your reducing your payments for reasons that you deem fit without conversation - invoice or no invoice. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be doing more or that he’s the good guy here - there must be a reason why DD refused to see him - but looking at thus situation dispassionately surely even you can see that you can’t just change the amount you pay without going back and negotiating an agreement?

Unless you got his prior agreement to pay for private medical expenses, then you really can't expect to charge him for them.

His moral duty versus what is legally agreed are separate things I'm sorry to say. Legally you can't deduct "his share" of the fees without his agreement.

The monthly payments you have to make are part of the legal divorce settlement. Medical fees weren't and I don't think there is any way you could legally enforce this.

Morally he should pay, but you can't enforce morals.

People keep saying morally he should pay. If it’s not a treatment or approach he agrees with - and he says it isn’t - he’s not morally obligated to pay for it.

Harsh as it sounds, he is neither morally nor legally obliged to contribute to a treatment you have decided to pay privately for without any agreement from him. You cannot deduct what you perceive to be his share from monies you are legally obliged to pay to him.

It is irrelevant what his income and wealth is.

You cannot unilaterally change the financial court order and deduct the costs of private healthcare for your DD.

You could make an application to the family court for a child support order for your daughter to cover the extra costs associated with her disability. This is an exception to the usual rule that you can't make a court application for child maintenance.

However, your ex could argue that he cannot afford the private fees or that you should wait for NHS treatment. You need to weigh up the costs and stress of a child support court application with the benefits to be gained if your DD is 16.

Reducing your court ordered payments to your ex is only likely to add to your stress as he is within his rights to enforce the order. Those payments are a totally separate issue to your asking the court for a child support order to cover the additional costs of disability

You can’t make him pay it. All you can get is the child maintenance. Anything to do with the financial order at the end of your marriage has nothing to do with this.

Have you applied for PIP for your daughter? If you haven’t then I’d apply and if awarded you can use that money to help pay for therapy.

OP, if you want to vary the amount you pay him then surely there's a risk that he'll try and force the sale of the house?

I don't think you can decide on a treatment without him then decide he's going to pay half.

I agree that applying for PIP is a good idea if you haven't already.

I think many (but not all) of those responding have ventured their personal opinion without trying to answer your legal question.

1. You or your daughter could apply under Schedule 1 of the Children Act for a lump sum from the father.
2. Never a good idea to unilaterally reduce court ordered payments, but without knowing precisely the terms of the financial order, you might be able to apply to the court to vary the amount of payments.

You can’t just unilaterally change order payments. The court has to decide, not just what you think is fair.

Speak to a lawyer to advise on next steps, pay as normal in the meantime.

Realistically, the chances of him being ordered to pay for private healthcare are slim.

A child that's bed bound 20 hours a day needs urgent t medical attention I'd think??

Of course their mental health is shot if this is their life!

What is the Gp saying and what other nhs treatment is being provided?

Have you had an occupational health assessment at home?

Have PIP?

Carer's allowance?

What about Dds education?

Won't ex' payments stop if she's now finished education?

Hello, thanks for all your posts.

I will look into PIP and ask the doc about an occupational health assessment. No one is helping us at the moment despite pleas for help. Cahms are snowed under too. Lots of equally deserving people need help.

I would love ex to have a good relationship with our DD and have always encouraged both of them to talk things out. My child is clear, she needs dad to be accountable and remorseful about the assault. He denies it took place even though it was in front of me and I stopped it. I paid for a year's therapy myself as my child was traumatised after being assaulted by their dad.

I encouraged them to go into family therapy but my ex stopped after 3 sessions as he said it wasn't working. The therapist also made our child hug their dad on the couch when they didn't want to.

I guess I've made a mistake by deducting £100 from him.. He pays £300 a month in maintenance. I have to give him £500. In the divorce he refused to accept my premarital asset (I had a house before I married which he made me sell and he used the money) but I had to account for his assets so the end split was 70/30 in his favour even though he's wealthy.

It was hard reading all your replies but I appreciate your honesty and now think I've done the wrong thing. Thanks to those who agreed morally he should support our girl. And thanks to those answering my legal question.

I'd planned to delete so others didn't add comments. But that doesn't seem possible. But I do appreciate your advice.