DM made younger brother POA

[Spiderweb13]

My DM has been unwell and had some health scares recently which has led her to draw up her will and LPA documentation. She sent me a message to say she is making my younger DB her POA. He is only 23. I was initially taken aback by this but said yes that’s fine if that is what she wants. On reflection, I can’t help but think this is a very irresponsible decision. Wouldn’t a joint POA be more appropriate? My DB lacks a lot of experience, he has never lived alone, paid a bill, worked in a professional job. I have a family, two children, I work in health care so can be informed should any health or welfare decisions need to be made.

I recently moved slightly further away and she was very upset by my decision. I can’t help but think she has made this decision out of anger or spite. I just don’t think my DB is mature or experienced enough to take on such a huge responsibility.

Ultimately, I completely understand it is her decision, so I will not insist or press on it if that is what she wants. He is still living at home with her so it would make sense for health decisions to fall on him. But my only concern is he may need my support with certain decisions and also I don’t 100% trust him to make the right decision, as he is not great under pressure.

Should I suggest a joint POA to her or just accept her decision?

Back off she has capacity and it is none of your business. Any interference could be seen as your seeking undue influence. Your brother is there and the POA may not be needed for years.

also I don’t 100% trust him to make the right decision

You don't need to though, your mum does. And your view of the "right" decision might not be what your mum agrees with.

A joint and several POA would probably be more practical but ultimately it's your mum's decision.

Having POA doesn't stop your brother from seeking support and advice. You can mention it, but it is your DM's decision to make.

He is an adult and possibly closer relationship. He is well able to figure stuff out unless there's learning challenges. You are being very unreasonable about an adult.

Just because your mother has drawn up the POA doesn't mean she is actually implementing it now does it? It might be another five or 10 years before it is actually activated in which case I'm sure your brother will be perfectly able to take the necessary decisions.

Ok, seems I am being unreasonable. I don’t think I will mention anything and will leave it as it is. Of course I understand he is an adult and also respect her decision completely so I won’t press on it. I definitely don’t want to be seen as seeking undue influence, as that is not my intention.

I have a lot of empathy for your position here, and have deliberately left my username as one I created to post a thread about my father yesterday.

My parents set up joint POA using my brothers. I got left out because I am a girl. All the excuses they used all boiled down to that, when you stripped them back. At the time, it really, really hurt. In the end, I let it go and decided that if that was what my parents wanted, then good luck to my brothers having to deal with it.

In your situation, where you live a bit further away, from a practical perspective, your brother may have been a more logical choice from where she is sitting, rather than it being from spite.

Also, a good point that he may well be much older and more experienced when a POA is required. I only worried because her latest scare was life threatening.

We have had a very negative experience in our family with a family member who abused their POA and it led to a very messy situation and legal disputes. It basically broke the family apart. I would never want to reach that point with my DB, and want to maintain a good relationship with him no matter what. I guess if I press on her decision it could hurt him, so I don’t want to get to that point.

@MyAquaBear we recently met and discussed all the issues we had. We both wanted to be in each others lives and things have been much better between us. We have spent a lot of time together recently and it has been brilliant, or I thought so anyway. Thats why her message kind of took me aback.

It’s also probably important to mention she also has/had a very poor relationship with my DB. Things were very strained between all three of us for some time. But of course I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship so she seems to trust him more and so I don’t really want to press on it any further. I was just wondering whether a joint LPA made more sense but as PPs pointed out, it’s not my decision to make.

I think I get it, it's the underlying misogynistic aspect to it I think, that MEN manage money better than women. Gah! I had the same situation myself, I got health and welfare, my brother got financial. Yet I was the one sitting down doing the online banking for them during covid. All in the past now as they've both passed, but it really rankled at the time.

My sister lives 6 hours away. I live ten minutes away, my mum made me and dh POA. My sis was furious, kicked off and mum changed it to me and sis. Her reasoning was we were here to make the decisions. It wasn't a slight on sis though that's how she felt. Ultimately though it should be who your mum feels comfortable with.