Advice please

[BenMiners500]

Hi everyone, I have 3 children who who I co parent with my ex wife and we have a court order to care 50/50 of the children. One of our children who is Autistic has never lived with his mother regardless of me trying to encourage him to stay as they have a difficult relationship and she struggles with his Autism / needs sadly. Consequently I care for my eldest 24/7 never having a break which has its challenges and my other 2 50% of the time. Sadly things have reached a point where I find it very challenging with my ex wife and feel the need to move away and start again. Whilst I am concerned the impact this will have on my other 2 I feel I have to escape the toxic behaviour. Anyway I have sold my house and my ex wife is now threatening me with solicitors to prevent me taking our son away that she never sees. I am writing to see if anyone here knows if the courts will likely grant her a prohibited steps order preventing me from moving away based on a previous order already being in place? I have tried for years to help repair their relationship, counselling & therapy but little effort is made as sadly it is easier for her to not look after the child with special needs. I feel very guilty about moving away but sadly nothing changes and I feel like it's a last resort. Please can someone advise where I stand legally as the last thing I want to do is purchase a house and then find the court orders me back. For what it's worth I am planning to see my other 2 regularly just not live in the same county, it is 170 miles away from their mother. thanks so much for your help.

It’s a really tricky one and nobody here will be able to tell you definitively either way as it’s all circumstantial. With prohibited steps orders what the court really look at is whether the move is in the best interests of the child and their welfare, so the fact you want to move & the reasons for you wanting to move are a little irrelevant in that process, if the court deems that the move is not in the best interests of the child then they can grant the order. They consider things like what the child wants (age dependent), child’s physical/mental/emotional needs, so it really depends on what argument can be made.

I would say though if your only argument for moving is that you personally want to, assuming this is to somewhere you’ve just decided you want to move to rather than moving to because of family support/support for child etc then you may want to reconsider. 170 miles is a long way, probably a 3.5 hour drive each way, so it is a significant distance.

Editted to add one of the things the court considers is child’s other relationships with family including siblings, so you wanting to move them away from that is a strong argument for her.

thanks for this, its kind of what I thought the answer might be. It is actually driven more by my son than anyone who has friends that way. he has been socially isolated for years due to his social difficulties with his Autism and he seems accepted by many that way. I guess seeing him struggle for years I thought having human connections is what is missing. He does see his siblings but I would not say they are close. I guess he only has me and no other family are involved in his life hence considering the move. that all said it's not just about his needs. It would be brilliant if his mother was present in his life but sadly this is not the case. He is 13 btw and I thought he could make a decision at that age, as the courts would know he does not spend any time with his mother but understand they will also be considering his siblings. Would a court order literally tell you to come back??

If she is granted the order and you move anyway then yes it means the child has to come back, you can go, the child can’t.

At 13 his opinion would be considered but is not old enough for him to make the decision himself, that is typically 16.

How does a 13 year old have friends who live 170 miles away?

It’s a big picture thing but ultimately moving away from (I’m assuming) his whole family doesn’t scream that it’s in his best interests, if you have care of his siblings 50% of the time then presumably he spends 50% of his time with them so that is a relationship to move him away from.

He has friends from visiting the area and that he has met online. I understand your points which are all valid. I guess because we have no family support including his mother there gets a point where you have enough. I guess I also feel annoyed that she can just neglect her child and leave everything to me because she knows I will not turn my back on him but now in a situation where I need things to change. I actually never thought I would consider this but I guess sometimes people drive you to do things you would not normally consider. The court told me to bring her to court if she shares no responsibility for one of her children, however I do not believe forcing him to go is the right thing to do either as he does not feel comfortable as she sadly just screams and shouts at him. My belief is she holds the key to change.

Your vulnerable 13 year old has visited random people they made friends with online and now wants to totally uproot their, your, and their siblings lives for some online friends, who may not even be who they say they are? Fuck me mate you need to up your parenting game and fast.

Friends he’s met from visiting and online friends are also totally irrelevant.

You’d have to convince a court this move is in your CHILD’s best interests and I don’t see any argument for that really. You have a valid argument for why it’s best for you, and I don’t blame you for wanting to get away from a toxic situation, but you really have no argument for why it’s best for your child. Moving them away from their siblings, everything they know, for online friends really isn’t any kind of argument. Not to mention that you currently have your other kids 50% and so that would also be stopping, so not great for them either.

@@BenMiners500 just wanted to come on and say that I really feel for you in such a difficult situation. No need for people to come on and be nasty @titchy .

How are you going to maintain 50/50 if you move 170 miles away? How are your other kids going to go to the same school?
It seems unlikely she'd have a case to prevent you taking the child who doesn't see her away from her, but are you going to abandon the two you currently have 50/50?

You think it's nasty to point out that letting a 13 yo with special needs meet randomers online and then uproot the entire family because of these randomers? OP is negligent.

As others have said they will look at the whole package. You haven’t mentioned how this will affect your other two children? What does see them regularly look like. Weekends when you have to do a round trip of 340 miles? Their life will be affected greatly by the move. Whether the children are close or not that will change the dynamics of their relationship and may build resentment towards you and the son you have prioritised over the two you left behind.

It’s easy for people to comment but when you are overwhelmed you might not be looking at the whole picture. Children need stability and this sounds like you are pulling the rug from under them all with no benefit to them. 170 miles is a long way to go. If you want to do this you need a better plan in place not just to back you up in court but for all your children’s sake.

You can’t make your ex step up and parent sadly. It’s unfair on you and the kids. However in this instance as tough as it sounds you have to put the needs of all the kids first despite what may be best for you. It won’t be forever and then maybe look to make the move.

I feel really sorry for the other 2 dc. You're proposing to change their routine too. To their minds you're leaving them. Can't you really limit how much you have contact with ex instead?