Parental responsibility & deed poll name change

[mrrossix]

Hi all

My partner is British but lived "on the other side of the world" for some time and had a child with her husband there at the time. For reasons I won't go into here for the sake of privacy & complexity she was forced to leave and came back to the UK with her child. He didn't follow.

Several years on, we met, and a divorce later; I am now "dad", but not legally. I would like to eventually adopt.

We'd like to change our child's name though before this as it is neither of ours and a constant reminder and source of stress to her (horrible at passport control too on family holidays). However, I believe the biological father still has parental responsibility (child was born after 2003 and he is named on the birth certificate), is that correct? He has not been to the UK since they moved (over 5 years) and has sent no financial assistance. Is he still required to proceed with a deed poll name change?

She doesn't want to ask him due to the stress/likelihood of him saying no (sadly out of spite). I believe a court order can be obtained but that would still ultimately require having to contact him.

Are we able to change the name in this situation without having to contact him / does he still have PR in this case?

Thanks

From what you say, they were married at the time the child was born. Assuming UK law applies, that means he has PR regardless of whether he is named on the birth certificate. I'm afraid the fact he has not been to the UK and does not assist financially is irrelevant. In order for your partner to change her child's name she needs his consent or, failing that, a court order. The only way she would be able to do it without contacting him would be if his whereabouts are unknown and she has taken reasonable steps to find him but has been unable to do so.

It is unlikely she would get a court order allowing her to remove her ex-husband's surname.

Your partner may be able to apply to the court for a Specific Issue Order. She might be able to get her surname added (so the child has two surnames, with or without a hyphen). See https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/changing-a-childs-surname/

You also said that you'd like to adopt the child. I would suggest as a first step that you obtain parental responsibility. Without the consent of the biological father you will need to apply to the court for this too. See https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/adopting-stepchildren

Do you and your partner intend to get married? If you want to share a surname after marriage, it may be more straightforward for you to take her surname (rather than the other way around) or for both of you to double-barrel.

The child's biological father might disagree to any surname change at all, but if there is any chance of him agreeing to it, I'd guess he'd be more likely to agree to adding her surname than yours.

(I think that women should keep their surnames and pass them on to their children anyway, and that's particularly important when parents separate and children live with their mothers.)

OP cannot get PR unless he is married to or in a civil partnership with his partner. And you seem to be ignoring the fact that OP knows that it is possible to change the child's name with a court order but wants to do it without the father's knowledge.

You seem to be attacking me and I'm not sure why
I'm not ignoring anything, I was adding to the points you'd already made.

Not attacking you at all. I was just puzzled as to why you posted about getting an SIO for a name change. It seemed to me from OP's post that they already knew this and were more concerned with finding a way of changing the child's name without having to notify the father.

Not the “proper” advice but I know for certain that you can change the child’s name and just declare that you have no way to contact Dad by deed poll… at least you could two years ago. Not proof asked for even.

You may be able to change the child's name if the whereabouts of the other parent with PR are not known and you have taken reasonable steps to establish contact. Such a change of name is definitely not valid if you have lied about not knowing the other parent's whereabouts. Even if you have been truthful, it may not be accepted everywhere. The Passport Office, for example, can be very strict in this area.

You can change the child’s name for sentimental purposes. I see it as pointless stress really and I’m a stepfather myself. A bunch of letters means nothing when it’s pitted against DNA. But some people are more sentimental than I am. I adore my stepchildren, however, they’re not mine and they’re not yours. Never will be. Ever. No matter how much you love them. Very hard thing to accept. They’ll always wonder about their dad, think internally about him. What he’s like, if they look like him, etc. 50% of the child is him. The letters don’t change a thing. Very very hard thing to come to terms with. However if it’s sentimental enough for you, go ahead and stress yourself out over some letters, so he can carry your name on with another man’s DNA. Might sound harsh but it’s the truth you should hear.

I do feel bad because my post seems harsh. But love is love. A name means nothing in the grand scheme of things. His kids will love YOU as their grandfather. Nothing else matters.

Courts would like to see you've at least asked the father first unless there is a very good reason eg risk of violence from him I think

Do you really want to poke the bear?

A 'lives with' order could help he with foreign travel

You can't get PR unless you marry her

Where was the child born and registered?
is the father British?

Hi all

Many thanks for the responses... some strong & interesting opinions there!!

Just to clarify some points.

We do intend to get married (in around 1.5 years time) and we'd already decided on a double barrelled name (hers + mine).

Father is not British. Child was not born in Britain. Child does now have a British passport (issued in the UK, place of birth is different).

I think though that under UK law the biological father still has PR, from what I've read/understood.

A statement was made: "You can't get PR unless you marry her". Is that true?? I'm not sure if it. Surely if I go down the adoption route... although I'm sure we'd need permission then from the biological father? We had planned to get married first and then look into that.

Perhaps there's a "best order" to do things her. Maybe we get married first; he DID give permission to proceed with the divorce, but that was incredibly stressful for her - I think she's got PTSD from the whole experience with him before she left. Once we're married and have the double barrelled name then there's less reason for him to object to changing his name - but his "mindset" is not a normal one so we cannot make any assumptions.

Haven't really looked into the court order option, just knew there was the possibility of that route - wasn't sure if that meant that we'd have to contact the biological father but sounds like we would have to, although:

"Courts would like to see you've at least asked the father first unless there is a very good reason eg risk of violence from him I think
Do you really want to poke the bear?"

Without wishing to go into details, there is some "risk" (again, not necessary of violence, not going into details on a public forum, but I alluded to PTSD earlier in my response - really need to save her the stress of contacting him, but on the flip side, she's really keen to change the name due to the constant reminder) - I think our next step maybe to consult a lawyer to see what the specific conditions are that may allow us to proceed without contacting him (although I fear those conditions won't be met).

Thanks again all

A statement was made: "You can't get PR unless you marry her". Is that true?? I'm not sure if it. Surely if I go down the adoption route... although I'm sure we'd need permission then from the biological father? We had planned to get married first and then look into that.

I said that in response to a suggestion that you should apply to the courts for PR. You cannot do so unless you are married to or in a civil partnership with your partner. You are correct that you could also get PR by adopting the child.

PP has already pointed out that you can't proceed without contacting him. I sympathise with your partner's reasons for not wanting to contact him but he is the biological father and has parental responsibility. So any significant decision affecting HIS child has to involve him. You are correct in that there is an order to do things in; I would suggest that you wait until after you're married and then try and change the child's name and obtain parental responsibility as a step-parent at the same time. I suggested parental responsibility rather than adoption, because adoption would remove parental responsibility from the father, so that's a bigger step than just giving you parental responsibility in addition to the parents.

Hi all. It's been about 6 months since I posted this question. We decided at the time to leave it for now, perhaps wait until after we're married etc - but the issue has cropped up again now in terms of our child's ID being required and a document being issued etc. We've decided to risk "poking the bear" and asking the father if we can change the name. If he agrees, great, we'll sort out a deed, if he doesn't, we'll go down the court order route.

Regarding getting the deed signed - if he's half way across the world - how do we do that? Literally post a printed deed document to him to sign and post back? Is there a way it can be done digitally these days?

Thanks all