Hi everyone, it’s took a lot for me to do this but I am absolutely terrified.
What started this off was the fact I unfortunately lost my baby girl at 20 weeks In January.. not long after that my partner walked out when I needed him the most. My whole world came crashing down I turned to alcohol and cocaine to cope and in March I had a breakdown. I was far too mentally ill to have my son in my care and I reached out to his father and said that I needed to sort myself out and I needed help. He said that he would take him during the week and I would see him on weekends supervised with my mam and dad. I’m not sure if I did the right thing but I pretty much went back to work straight away as I needed to have my mind occupied.. I think sitting in the house would make it worse and I would just sit, overthink and cry. My son’s dad despite being understanding in the beginning, decided to take me to court which just put the nail in the coffin for me. The things he had written were absolutely disgusting and completely over the top. I had an awful relationship with him when we were together.. I had never taken drugs in my life until I met him. He mentally tortured me and physically abused me when he was under the influence. He is the reason why I am the way I am today. I deeply regret everything I have done but I have been to the doctors and reached out for help but they kept sending me away with Sertraline. I was getting nowhere. We had the first court hearing in June. He wound me up something rotten in front of the judge and he got what he wanted, a reaction. I had to walk out as he was absolutely ripping me to bits. Because of how I reacted, the judge put my son with him for 3 weeks until he seen improvement. I was absolutely heartbroken. Since then.. CAFCASS had got involved and they have been an absolute nightmare. I have made massive improvements, I have since been to the doctors and I am awaiting an ADHD assessment and she has arranged for me to have bereavement counselling as she is certain I’m suffering trauma. CAFCASS have been to my house, his house, spoke to the school and my mam & dad. They still aren’t happy despite everything being positive. However it has also backfired on him as he has 8 serious offences from the police record (I have none) and he smokes cannabis daily. So they think that he is unsafe with the pair of us. I have always worked full time from my son being 2 weeks old as he couldn’t keep a job down.. I had to put a roof our sons head and I work as I want my son to have a good life. I am also getting support from County Durham drug and alcohol service. He hasn’t worked for 2 years and is sponging off his current partner.. I have my own house and it breaks my heart walking past my sons bedroom as it’s there waiting for him. He is blacklisted with every social housing landlords as he owes thousands in rent arrears to the point bailiffs are looking for him. If he was to split up with her (which will happen as it’s happened 3 times now) he will have nowhere to go and the judge needs to consider that.. but I am just so scared as my son keeps me going. He is my little hero and without him I am dying inside. I don’t think CAFCASS realise that my mental health is suffering because I haven’t got my son in my care, I hate it. I just cannot go on like this I can’t take anymore tit for tit and he isn’t willing to compartment with me which is also a problem. Would anyone be able to give me some advice please so I can prepare please. I’ve never been so scared in my life.