Co Parenting - Informal Agreement

[Desperatemumneedadvice]

Hi all,

Despite mum here!
I split with my ex in December 2023.
We share a daughter who is 4.
In January 2024 he said he wanted to have her overnight so I said okay reluctantly but she has a right to see her dad.
Then he changed it a couple months later I want her for more time.
We agreed upon every other weekend.
He has the option apart from one night in the week to come by after work when he finishes. Half the time he's late or doesn't come.
He originally paid for her nursery fees in lieu of child support. Just a mutual agreement but since she's started school he says he doesn't need to pay child maintenance he buys her clothes and feeds her the 4 days he has her!!
He also said he wants her for even more time now wanting every Saturday afternoon to Tuesday morning.
I said no. I countered and said if you truly want 50/50 co parenting we do Sunday to Sunday one week on one week off.
He said no. He can't do that.
I've taken him to CSA and now he's intimidating me and trying to bully me to getting what he wants.
Tonight after months of asking about sorting half terms he said its half term next week and I said yes. So he said right I'll keep her to Wednesday because it's his weekend.
I said no I've booked the time of months ago because you wouldn't discuss it but he's saying this is what he wants is the Monday Tuesday so that's his half of the holidays.
I said but I don't agree to that hence you threatening mediation and taking me to court.
I don't know what to do or where to turn. From what I read online I can't stop him as he has parental responsibility and I don't have a court order.
Please advise me I'm not wanting to withhold visits but right now I do want to enforce the every other weekend because he's not respecting my informal agreement or boundaries.
He's also forcing me to sell the house and he threatened to take my car and sell it leaving me without transport.

Let him take you to court in the meantime you hold the cards

So you need a formal agreement! You cannot keep fighting over your child. He wants 50/50 any way he can to avoid paying you anything.

Are you married? I’d definitely see a solicitor and see how you take steps to regularise this. It’s not fair on DD. Who owns the house? Is it yours? He would get his share if it’s shared between you. If you aren’t married, you are not protected. What’s the situation with the car? Is it yours on not?

I don't even care for the money and I wouldn't mind if he was going to be spending time with her. The issue is he isn't.
His work doesn't allow it.
He won't be taking her to school. He won't be collecting her. He will be lucky if he's back in time to cook her dinner.
So his sister will be doing all of this.

No we were engaged. He's already moved on with a new relationship.
The house is in both our names as a joint mortgage. Again the house I'm not bothered about it can get sold. I should be entitled to more as my parents gave me a huge deposit but it's not going to work out like that and I've accepted that.

The car was purchased by my dad because at the time we didn't have the funds. We are yet to even pay my dad back so as he's the legal owner. He can't touch my car but the fact he has the audacity to try is beyond me!

But I don't... because he's walking all over me doing what he wants.

He said he's booking mediation and I've not heard anything so guessing it's an empty threat because he just wants what he's already arranged with his work of Saturday afternoon to Tuesday morning which I've already said no too and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't get that if we went to court so now he's just bullying me into what he wants.
Like I've got no right to stop him next week for example from keeping her longer as its half term🙄

As he's threatened to keep her then I would stop her going for the weekend and revert to EOW.

Tell him he can have the full February half term instead and decide how to split Christmas now. Put all information in writing.

Explain in a court order you will be asking for the right of first refusal which means he has to offer you looking after your DC before he uses any childcare including family.

I'm sorry he's turned so nasty so quickly.

I can see your are upset and take isn't a very nice experience, and quite possibly he isn't very nice in the way he goes about things.

However, he is her father and he wants 50% access - that does not automatically make him the bad guy. Lots of men want nothing to do with their children - at least he is still keen to be in her life.

It's not unreasonable that, as currently he only has EOW, he wants half of the school holidays - really that is positive - he wants to spend time with his kid.

The house I am afraid probably does have to be sold if you own it jointly - but as you paid the deposit a solicitor may be able to help you get a fair share of it back. Who currently pays the mortgage?

The car I wouldn't worry about as your dad owns that.

I think you just need to go to court and work out a way forward that is best for your daughter. Maybe the court will decide 59/59, but a solicitor can advise you on that. Can your parents help you pay for one if you can't afford it on your own?

You talk of him "threatening" mediation. But why are you scared of mediation - surely it would be a good thing?

Good luck. I know it is very hard, and difficult sometimes to see the wood fork the trees in these situatione.

That's what my dad said to stop her going at the weekend but I don't have any legal right to with hold visitation from him. I'm trying to do what's right for my daughter but if I keep letting him bully me with how he wants things he's just going to keep doing it.
If this goes to court which it's looking likely I don't want to be seen in a bad light that I've refused him access to her.

The threat of keeping her was verbal and in front of her which annoyed me because I've asked we do not discuss things in front of her for a number of reasons!
So I have no evidence he has said that.

I've asked so many times can we discuss her half terms and all he responds is his sister will have her because he can't take the time off. Hence me arranging this October Half terms using my annual leave 🙄 this is our first half term as she's just started school.

Thank you I appreciate you seeing it from both sides.

What you've failed to understand from my point is I'm not making him out to be a bad guy for wanting 50% I respect him for it. Like you said a lot of men don't fight for it.

The problem is his job takes priority. I'm trying to create structure and routine and stability. We've been split a year and he's changed what he wants 3 times already.

You said he wants half the school holidays. Yes he wants Monday and Tuesdays and he wouldn't be spending the time with her it would be his sister because he won't take a day off for her.

He's not had one day off work with her this year but he's managed to go on two holidays.
He didn't help with her settling in sessions or the half days when she started school.

I'm not scared of mediation I've told him to get on with booking it but I don't see the point in mediation because he wants his way and his way only! Hence why he's turned nasty so quickly!

Mediation is the first step before court though and mediators will do their best to help you both agree on a plan without it getting that far.
I am sorry but he does have the right to have his sister look after her on his days. The court will view that as promoting a relationship with her paternal family. It's galling but if you can see your way to letting go of how unfair it is and what a twat he is then you'll find it easier.

This. Do it in writing.

State one week on and one week off Friday to Friday. You have October half term, he has February. You have half Easter each and half summer. And split Christmas and May half term.

This is what they will agree on in mediation. There's not much point OP just stating in writing what she wants to happen. He's going to get the contact time he wants most likely if it goes to court so showing willing for mediation rather than dictating is a much better approach.

He equally has no "right" to collect her for the weekend and keep her as there is no court order.

He is bullying you so you put in writing as he has told you he will not return her as per the agreement despite you having plans with her and he will be using childcare on this occasion you will notams her available for contact and the sooner he arranges for mediation the better.

Not make her available for contact. Instead he can have all of February half term to give him plenty of time to arrange his annual leave to spend time with her.

Again offer full 50:50 in writing alternate weeks so you both have equal opportunity to have quality time with her at the weekends and each pay for your own childcare costs including over the holidays.

I appreciate that I can't say who watches the child on his time hence me putting my feelings aside and saying have an entire week but that's not what he wants! He wants it his way. That suits his work! Not what suits our child.

I've already offered full alternative weeks. He said no he can't do that.
He wants Saturday afternoon to Tuesday morning as he's agreed this with his work. That's all he is focused on achieving.

He's not going to get the contact he wants because it means I'd never have any real quality time with my daughter if he gets the contact he wants!
I'm not denying him visitation far from it. I've stated have her a full week! He's said no. He only wants her Saturday afternoon to Tuesday mornings! Mediation is not going to work because that's all he wants because nothing else works for him.

The best course of action here is to go to court as that will stop all the squabbling over who has her and when. You'll need to attend mediation before you go to court anyway as that's a requirement. My DH and his ex managed to come to an agreement in mediation and avoided court. Things have been much smoother since then as there's no negotiation over contact since it's all on black and white.

If he wants 50:50 then he's entitled to that as her father just as you are as her mother. It's also completely up to him how he managed childcare on his time. If he wants to use family as support then he can. If he wants to use after school clubs etc then he can just like you can use whatever childcare is necessary on your time.

Be sure to include special occasions in the parenting plan including who has Xmas and birthdays etc. We alternate so one year we have Xmas eve until 2pm Xmas day and vice versa. Also include procedure for taking the child abroad, notice for schedule changes etc. In my DHs plan it is stated that each parent should give 4 weeks notice for a schedule change where possible and the change is at the other parents discretion.

Courts are child centric and focus on what is best for the child, not what's best for the adults. If he goes into court or mediation only thinking about what he wants and what's best for him they won't look upon that fondly.

Would you be willing to offer Saturday evening, say 6pm until Tuesday? That way you both get a weekend day with her, you Saturday, him Sunday. Then he has 2 midweek days and you 3?

It's actually a better arrangement than week on week off as you'll be able to book her into activities and hobbies on a weekly basis without having to rely on the other parent taking her on their week or having the child miss out. My DSD misses a lot of her gymnastics classes because her mum won't take her so she only gets to attend on our week's. Our arrangement is Sunday to Sunday but mum gets every Tuesday and we get every Thursday so Thursday is the only day she gets to do her hobbies each week.

Yes I'm fully aware he's entitled to 50/50 and he can use whatever means necessary to look after our child. I am not arguing that but the fact of the matter is he's saying he wants her for more time but he won't be spending time with her so she's going to miss out on spending time with either parent because of his arrangement.

Offer him. Every 2nd week Saturday to Tuesday if that's what suits his work pattern. Point out you also need time with your daughter that is not school time.
Do the same for half terms he can have 1 weekend Saturday to Tuesday the rest with you.

Write it all down for mediation and do NOT stop the VSA claim

You do get a say in childcare in as much as you can request the right to first refusal (as can he).

Sure it's good if sometimes she benefits from spending time with his extended family as childcare or a visit BUT not if it is being used to prevent you having time with her. Such as this when you have taken annual leave to spend time together.

You do have the power to say no to this weekend.

You can offer him all the school holiday time you can't cover which will help equalise it to 50:50. You are perfectly reasonable to refuse him having the bulk of every weekend now she is in school.

Stand firm and don't be bullied.