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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Original poster

Warning Letter via Solicitor

19 replies

aggies87 · 10/10/2024 11:02

Good morning,

After 16 years of emotional and financial abuse I finally managed to get out of my marriage. It's very early days as my ex soon to be husband moved out from the property 3 weeks ago. He is somebody who abused me and has narcissistic tendencies and believe me I do not use this word lightly however I did a lot of research in regard to his behaviour.

I was hoping that once he moves out things will be easier however it is impossible to communicate with him as he lies and does not keep his word.

Since he moved out, he comes as he pleases unannounced and wants to take children randomly to park. On one day he knocked on the door twice. He used my older daughter (nearly 15) to let him in the house while I was away on two occasions. One day he called my older daughter and started planning the day with my younger daughter. I had plans on that day and went out with my younger child and when I came back home, he was there.

I made it clear to him that I do not want any contact except regarding the children and I do not want him to come unannounced. I also do not want him to involve our 15-year-old in arrangements and planning for the younger one. On one occasion he came to my house and noticed that I recorded him on the phone as I always do as he yells at me threatens me with various things. He said his foot wont step in my house again however he did come after that.

I do not have enough to go with non-molestation order as long he is not violent as I spoke to domestic violence advisers. I came across a warning letter written by a solicitor with clear instructions and warnings telling him all the things I expect from him and do not want him to do. Has anyone heard about his kind of letter or actually, did it?

Every interaction with him causes me great distress and his visits as well and manipulating my older daughter. Any advice please how to approach this behaviour?

I would be most grateful for your help.

OP posts:

Sassybooklover · 10/10/2024 11:19

You need to seek legal advice. Does your ex still have a key to your home? If so, change the locks. I understand your eldest daughter may need a key due to her age. However, if you can't trust your ex to not manipulate your eldest, to access the house, you may need to stop her having a key, for the time being. You need to set out boundaries, no he can't just turn up when he pleases and he shouldn't be using your eldest daughter to arrange access to the youngest either. I understand from comments on here, that you can use Parenting Apps to communicate with a difficult partner, but I don't know much about them. I'm sure someone in the know, on MN can point you in the right direction. If necessary you may need to go to Court regarding contact arrangements, if he is completely disagreeable. Keep any text/email messages from him and write down any incidents - date, time, factual information of the incident. Anything you have recorded may be useful for a solicitor but I'm not sure legally if this would stand in a Court. With regards to a letter, again, I don't know, it's something you need to seek proper legal advice for. Relying on MN means you will hear conflicting information! Unless someone commenting is a Family Solicitor, then you may get wrong information.

Anicecumberlandsausage · 10/10/2024 11:21

I have no advice but to find a solicitor immediately.

Hoppinggreen · 10/10/2024 11:23

Was this his home too? If so he might have a legal right to access unfortunately

ButtSurgery · 10/10/2024 11:26

Cameras. A ring type doorbell and extra cameras in the house. Let the record his threats and adjust. Remind him they are there and recording his behaviour. Pay the subscription fee to keep the recordings.

If he owns the house jointly you'll find it hard to legally exclude him.

If you can evidence the threats and abuse you can look at legal orders again.

Heretodayblownawaytomorrow · 10/10/2024 11:34

Even though i was on the mortgage I was told once I had another address (I moved out) I was only allowed back in under agreement - to collect some personal things... I wasn't allowed to just go in...
My exh had his solicitor send me a letter demanding I remove my new blinds as exh was now unable to see into my home.. Surprisingly no judge insisted I do so. Unelss it comes from a judge op have a giggle and ignore..

scullybags · 10/10/2024 11:39

Is it the joint marital home with both names on the mortgage/deeds?

If so you need to sell it and split the equity.

pavementgerms · 10/10/2024 11:40

If he owns the property (jointly or in his sole name) then he is entitled to access it.

Tillow4ever · 10/10/2024 11:59

Heretodayblownawaytomorrow · 10/10/2024 11:34

I think the Op wants to use this type of letter to send to her ex, not that she has received one.

Original poster

aggies87 · 10/10/2024 12:13

Tillow4ever · 10/10/2024 11:59

I think the Op wants to use this type of letter to send to her ex, not that she has received one.

Show quote history

yes I would like to send him warning letter.

OP posts:

Original poster

aggies87 · 10/10/2024 12:13

Hoppinggreen · 10/10/2024 11:23

Was this his home too? If so he might have a legal right to access unfortunately

It is rented property now solely on my name.

OP posts:

Needanadultgapyear · 10/10/2024 12:17

I would divide this into two separate problems:

Child contact establishing a regular consistent contact with the children. The 15 year old can be flexible, but the young one would benefit from knowing which parent when. Request a schedule is set to benefit them.

Access to the property get legal advice on this as to what your options are. There are occupation orders that can prevent him from entering the property.

It is hard to break free from the control because you have been trained to appease him. Women's aid may be able to give you support on this.

Original poster

aggies87 · 10/10/2024 12:22

Needanadultgapyear · 10/10/2024 12:17

I would divide this into two separate problems:

Child contact establishing a regular consistent contact with the children. The 15 year old can be flexible, but the young one would benefit from knowing which parent when. Request a schedule is set to benefit them.

Access to the property get legal advice on this as to what your options are. There are occupation orders that can prevent him from entering the property.

It is hard to break free from the control because you have been trained to appease him. Women's aid may be able to give you support on this.

Thank you for your help and advice.

OP posts:

Igmum · 10/10/2024 12:23

Tell the landlord and ask them to change the locks. Should be fairly straightforward to exclude him. So sorry you're going through this

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/10/2024 12:24

@aggies87 if it is rented and now solely in your name, then you can change the locks? you need to tell the children that under no circumstances is he permitted to enter the house. infact, get the children to look out the window when anyone knocks at the door, rather than opening the door!

Original poster

aggies87 · 10/10/2024 12:26

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/10/2024 12:24

I do not want my older daughter to be in difficult situation and be part of this and refuse to open the door to him as he does not have the keys thats why I wanted to send him some kind of warning letter of things I do not want him to do. I want my daughter to have peace and not be involved in all of this.

OP posts:

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/10/2024 12:30

@aggies87 she should be opening the window and speaking through the window rather than opening the door to everyone anyway, if you are not there. or you can get those ring doorbells and just answer on that!

DreadPirateRobots · 10/10/2024 12:34

Sure, you can send your ex a solicitor's letter. They're ten a penny. The problem is that your solicitor has as much power to enforce any requests you make as I have, i.e. none, and if he has his own solicitor or any savvy he'll know that. The only people who can legally keep him away from your home are the police, and only with the backing of the courts.

I think you'd be better served by taking practical steps like changing the locks, preventing your older DD from being able to let him in, and making sure you've pursued every avenue legally and with the police.

Whyherewego · 10/10/2024 12:38

My DP ex used to waltz in his house all the time with his DC. It's hard because they don't feel the same issues with their other parent being there as you do.
In the end he basically sat them down and gently said to them that it was his house and he had a right to have a say who was and was not allowed in and that he would prefer if mum didn't come in on a regular basis. If there was a one-off need or emergency then fair enough but he did not want her there in a regular basis. They understood and generally did not invite her in after that. So maybe try having that conversation with your DD?

unsync · 10/10/2024 13:49

They get worse once you split as they start to lose the control. My ex started coming and going whenever he felt like it just to unsettle me. He told me this to my face. There was police involvement.

Unfortunately, I lost my key the very next day and had to change the locks. He tried to raise it in Court, the Judge told him there was no reason for him to have access as he had moved out and therefore I didn't need to give him a key.

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