STBXH, secondary school and mediation

[Feelinglostinmediation]

Hi everyone,
I just wondered did anyone have any advice, support or has been through a similar situation.

My stbxh and I have come to the point where we have our first mediation session next week to discuss our dd’s secondary school choices and I don’t really know what to expect or how an outcome can be reached.

background: we split in March 2021 and we have 50/50 custody each. We have had a very amicable split up until last Christmas when he became very difficult to deal with. Dd is an only child.

we sold our family home and I bought a cottage in the village dd goes to school and has done since reception.

her primary address for child benefit, doctors and school is my address.

Our council criteria for separated families is the resident parent is the one who has the child the most school nights. It is 50/50 so not applicable, it then says the parents must agree on the resident address and if not the current provision address will be used. I think that makes it my address.

stbxh is in the process of buying a house 10 miles away (about a 30 min drive outside of rush hour traffic). He hasn’t signed contracts yet.

secondary school deadline is 31/10/24.

2 options for secondary school as follows:
my choice - local catchment school, rated good by ofstead. Impressed by the school when we’ve visited, think it will suit my daughter as it’s a smaller school, all on one level, some friends will go there from primary. Daughter will get the bus with other children/friends in the village, it’s about 7 minutes on the school bus. (Would consider moving to the village in the next few years)

stbxh choice:
school in the village he is moving too. Rated good by ofstead. Larger school. Will walk to school about 15 minute walk.

Both schools are under the same trust, and offer the same extra curricular activities, trips etc.

The deciding factors for my choice are as follows:

1. daughter has categorically stated she didn’t like stbxh school. She said it was too big, too loud and she doesn’t know anybody there and no one in the village.
2. currently as he doesn’t live there she is 10 on the criteria for entry list. If he gets the keys in the next few weeks she will be 5th. It’s a highly oversubscribed school and she is not in a feeder primary school. (She’s 3rd on the criteria for my choice as she attends the feeder and it’s the only school in catchment).
3. I will not be able to collect her midweek at 3pm as will need to work. There is no bus service available. if she went to my choice there will always be someone at home when she gets of the bus (either me or my partner who wfh). The bus stop is less than 30 seconds from the house.
4. ex thinks she can just go to his dads who lives 15 mins away every day after school. He is 79 and not in the best health and doesn’t drive. Dd is very against this idea. She doesn’t want to go there.

stbxh is adamant she should go to his choice and will not take dds wishes into account. He upset her hugely last week as she was trying to express her opinion and he accused her of being negative for the sake of it.

we have now gone to mediation as I will not send her to a school she hates with no support network in Place. So we are at an impasse.

any ideas on how to try and work through it as there is only a few weeks until the closing date.

he has told me that his parents and him can manage pick ups but last week when she was ill and under his care (I was stranded abroad) he palmed her off to my mum instead of taking time of work or asking his parents. They are not reliable and she doesn’t like spending time with them.

I think that’s the vast majority of info, any help appreciated! I just want her to be happy and I’m so angry he won’t listen to her opinions and has forced us to go down this route.

(apologies for punctuation or spelling mistakes, my head is all over the place!)

*also posted under secondary but was advised legal might be better.

I think it is down to the school your daughter wants to go to, everything else seems logistics

Strictly speaking a form is filled in giving preferences and the schools choose according to their admissions policy.

As you have stated that the address for the purpose of admissions will be yours it seems very unlikely she would even be offered a place at stbxh's preferred school.

In your shoes I would triple check my facts on that and then point out to stbxh that she is extremely unlikely to be offered a place even if she applies.

Therefore she should apply for where she will be offered a place.

I suppose if you wanted to be conciliatory you could offer to put the other one second on the list?

The form needs to be filled in by the end of the month so you can’t mess about - but her wishes here should be paramount

Why is he so.determined? If things have been.amicable to date, what has changed? This makes no sense.

I would go go mediation with:
1 clear understanding of liklihood of getting into school A vs school B.
2 list of support networks in place for both schools. Including, for example, local friends or family who would potentially collect her if there was a need.
3 a written or video statement from dd about why she prefers one school over another.

For me, if academics and extra curricular are largely similar, it would all come down to convenience. Which school is going to be easier to get to and from etc.

As your ex hasn't yet bought the house, that address can't be used unless the sale completes before the deadline for applications and you both agree to use his address.

It sounds like there is no realistic chance of her being offered a place at the school he wants if your address is used for the application. If that is true, you can safely put his choice first and yours second. Putting his choice first won't damage your chances of getting a place at the school you want.

Thank you for the replies.

I don’t know what’s changed for us to not be amicable anymore. He’s changed into someone different and I genuinely don’t know why. It has been mentioned to me that perhaps it’s because I’m in a new stable relationship but I don’t know.

Both schools are similar apart from the fact the other school is far larger set out over 3 floors and has a very loud bell which scared her. DD has some sensory issues, with space and noise being big ones. My choice of school is all on one level and has a beep to signal lesson change. She was not bothered by the sound at any of the 3 tours we’ve done and I’ve contacted the SEN department to ask about it. It has never bothered any student there before. SEN provision at both schools is excellent.

Logistically there is a much safer, secure support network in place with me and where we live. It will be a much quicker easier travelling process for her to go the feeder school, but the key point is it’s where she wants to go.

all of the points people have made are excellent and I will be compiling a list to take with me to mediation next week as stbxh is so adamant and will not listen to practical reasons and her opinion. He just keeps saying that she can have this new life in a new place and a new school, but the reality is very different and not what she wants.

He also doesn’t even have an address in the area for the school so unless he moves in the next 3 weeks, it’s a pointless exercise anyway.

I will also check the guidance with the council tomorrow about separated parents and addresses. It’s not as comprehensive as other counties.

@Feelinglostinmediation I agree your LA is a bit sketchy but the attached might help. They are light on info about separated parents but the advice you now have is good. I think my LA is tight on admissions as we have grammar schools. This tends to make some people change address for DC! The evidence for home address from Bucks is good and as mentioned above, your ex is not yet resident. So approach the meeting with some confidence. Also he needs to accept he might not get his “share” of DD as she gets older. She will wish to decide about seeing friends and not travelling to and from school with him several times a week.

I think that's pretty clear. If there is disagreement or multiple applications, the existing address will be used. ie yours. So really, at this point, he could apply separately to you (even though he doesn't have an address in the catchment) and, as you are NOT in agreement, your address will be used.

Good luck with mediation. Ideally, if you can, perhaps try to udnerstand what has changed. It does rather sound like he's building up to wanting more than 50/50 custody.

@MrSeptember Why would he get it? Op is the resident parent. Why would that be challenged? 50/50 often ends up being a nightmare for dc when travel is involved. It’s like dc is a pawn in a game and courts don’t like it. They are treated like a possession, not a person with thoughts of their own or rights. Ex should definitely back down and listen.

Well I would hope he wouldn't. But I'm wondering if he wants DC at a school near him, his address becomes the DC's officiall address and then, over time, he says, "well, it just makes sense for her to stay here more nights because she's at school anyway and it's a hassle for her to get back to yours...." and then, by stealth, he's changing the arrangement and suddenly it's not 50/50 anymore.

It's obvious from everything g you have said that you need to opt for your local school not one where your husband does not yet live.

@MrSeptember The obvious difficulty is not yet having a house and deadline for preferences looming. Plus benefits, GP, ease of school transport and friends all support op staying as resident parent and her address being used. Obviously if the other school is not full, address won’t matter and presumably dad thinks this might be the case this year. As DD gets older, her opinions count too. I would say he’s not doing the best for DD.

@TizerorFizz I totally agree. I'm not disagreeing. I think he's being ridiculous. I just wonder if he is trying to get to a point where he can, by stealth, get MORE than 50/50 custody.

It’s difficult to see what the stealth might be as DS gets older. Ex would have to really prove poor parenting to get more. Personally I would not agree to 50/50 in the first place. DC always end up as pawns!

The thought has crossed my mind as well. The practicality of this would never work for him though, so I’m not sure. She wouldn’t agree to being with him more anyway.

She is pretty happy with our current 50/50 however things will natural change at secondary and a few years down the line when she develops more independence, they will change again. I can see this (and have accepted it) very clearly, unfortunately he cannot.

I also wonder if he is going to back down quickly on the school issue and use the remainder of the session to talk financials or about the way the 50/50 split is currently working.

We used to do 3/4 a week then swapped the next week. At Christmas last year my DD asked to spend more time in one place. After weeks of arguing he finally agreed to trial both ways: his choice of a 5,2,2,5 split. My choice of a 7,7 split.

The 5,2,2,5 split started in May, was paused over the summer (2.5 weeks each) and the 7,7 trial was due to start in September. This never happened and he told me he never agreed to it last week. I have it in writing but have been stunned by the gaslighting/lies he is coming out with.

My choice of 7,7 would work really well for DD as she would have everything she needs for a whole week in one place, no being passed around and no more face to face handovers. I don’t like the fact that with the 5,5,2,2 she is in 4 houses in a week, every fortnight. He told me repeatedly he couldn’t facilitate a week of pick ups due to work. And he didn’t like the idea so it was a flat out no. (Owns a business, has an employee in the office, can work from home if needed) No idea how he thinks he’ll cope at secondary!

It is highly likely his choice of school will be oversubscribed, it has been for the last few years.

As I’ve previously said, I just want what’s best for her and for her to have some say in the decision. It would appear that he doesn’t, although he does keep saying it’s the best option for her, the reality is, it would suit him not her. We wouldn’t even be having this discussion if she had liked the school and wanted to go there, as I would have found a workable solution.

I’m still waiting on further guidance from the Council, but I am confident I am classed as the resident/primary parent. So hopefully he will start to see that her opinion counts, and his choice of school is unrealistic, when we attend mediation next week.

I do really appreciate all the responses from people as it’s all been so easy and amicable up until now. I never wanted to end up going down this route and I never thought we would. Having to fight for her to be counted is a new thing as previously he did listen to her. I’m guessing this is going to be the new reality.

Hopefully I can counter any arguments he has, and he will see his school is a non starter.

I guess when your backed into a corner there really is only one way to come out of it.

On the other thread I gave you the Bucks view of what counts regarding choice of school and separated parents . If you use that as a template, plus what DD wants (more static home arrangement, friends, ease of transport. Independence etc) you can counter much of what he will say. I guess 59/50 will be about money but stress what DD wants and the chance of the other school seems slim. You are being reasonable.