Help please! Family mediation email what rights does he have?

[Annon23]

Hi all,

I really need some advice, the father of my child has not been involved in my child's life for around 4 years now. He has made no effort to see him and we have had no contact at all. He was extremely controlling and coercive in the years we were together, he had an awful temper and he emotionally abused me. As well as substance abuse, he was extremely narcissistic. He was not safe for me and my children to be around. Out of the blue, I have received an email from "Family Mediation Services" whom have said as follows,

Child only mediation

I write to confirm that we have been contacted by ..... and would like to offer you a mediation information and assessment appointment (MIAM). We enclose our literature for your information.

Solicitors and the Courts encourage people to use mediation where possible. It is generally quicker, cheaper and often produces more effective agreements when you need to sort out the practical aspects of child arrangements for .....

Some clients prefer to come to an introductory sessions on their own. Some prefer to come together so that they can start discussions if there is time at the end of the initial meeting. Where this happens the mediator spends part of the session with each person separately.

This is so triggering for me, he has had no contact and luckily my child does not remember him. I am in a content and healthy relationship in a loving household, and currently planning our wedding.
I cannot have this man be allowed into my child's life and I'm extremely anxious since receiving this random email.

Please note, he is not on my child's birth certificate. Could somebody please tell me what I can expect if I do not reply, and whether to respond to the mediation email and tell them the reasons why I will not let him have contact?

Thank you.

Ignore. He has no rights. He will have to fight for a DNA test for a start to establish he is the father.

this might be a useful article on mediation with an abusive ex

https://www.mediateuk.co.uk/mediation-with-an-abusive-ex/#:~:text=The%20safety%20of%20all%20parties%20involved%20must%20be%20the%20top,in%20cases%20involving%20domestic%20abuse.

basically where there’s abuse you don’t have to go to mediation first.
personally though I don’t think there’s anything to fear from a 1:1 MIAM with the mediator.

however as he’s not on the birth certificate, do you have to engage at all?
hopefully posters more knowledgeable on this point will be along

The mediators won't care why you won't have contact I wouldn't have thought as it isn't court ordered.

I would respond to the email and just say that at this time you are not willing to engage with mediation. You have not been in contact with X for 5 years. He is welcome to contact you via a solicitor.

Until he is on the birth certificate he has no responsibilities, other than to pay CM if you apply for it if he agrees he is the father.

I would completely ignore it. Don't reply or engage. Let him take you to court first to prove paternity and then start the next steps.

A DNA test will only be needed if OP denies he is the father. As she knows he is the father, denying it could make her look unreasonable.

@Annon23 There is no point telling the mediators why you won't let him have contact. Their only role is to help you and your ex come to an agreement. They can't make any decisions.

If you don't reply (or if you reply refusing mediation), the next step is likely to be him starting legal action. If that happens, you will be able to make your case as to why there should be no contact. The courts will then decide what they believe is in your child's best interests. Your child's views will be taken into account. The older they are, the more weight they will carry. After 4 years of no contact, if any contact is ordered it is likely to be indirect, at least to start with.

Does he actually have any contact details for you, beyond your email?

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here.
Is there a chance he could have changed in those years? Not to say that you need or have to go to mediation but he is your ds's dad & if he really wants some form of contact the courts may award it.
I was in a similar position some years ago & after 2 court rounds I decided that if he wanted to see our DD he should go to counselling to manage his anger, then I said DD must see us get on of he'll be gone. He did a lot of supervised contact & to his credit he managed it all. I don't regret this & my DD is 31 now & still has a good relationship with him.
I don't think the courts have changed that much unfortunately they're still a brutal beast & I would not wish that journey on anyone

*Solicitors and the Courts encourage people to use mediation where possible. It is generally quicker, cheaper and often produces more effective agreements when you need to sort out the practical aspects of child arrangements for ....”

Mediation is, as the letter explains, a quicker, cheaper alternative to court proceedings. The idea is to try to communicate and agree. In court proceedings yiu will each file statements, have a hearing and the judge will decide. There’s no guarantee that mediation will provide a solution. If it doesn’t, or if you don’t go, then your ex will -probably- apply to court.

If you are scared of your ex, then say so and explain why. That might mean that the mediator decides that mediation isn’t possible