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Legal matters

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Is there anything I can do to stop my mum saying bad things about me?

23 replies

Ribbonflower · 20/09/2024 11:38

Sorry if this is long I’m trying to condense it…

Is there any way I can legally stop my mum saying bad things about me. I don’t speak to my mum after a horrific upbringing (physically abused). She has always had something bad to say about me. Things got out of hand as an adult though and eventually she said she was cutting me off. I think she expected me to beg for her forgiveness but I agreed that we were not ever going to get on and that’s that.

I walked away and am a lot happier not having her in my life, however people I know have told me that she has been saying very nasty things such as I beat her up and she’s terrified of me I’m an evil person, she has the backing of my whole family now except for one person. I have never laid a finger on her or even shouted at her which she’s also saying was the only way I spoke to her.

i have ignored this until it’s now coming up that it’s reached where I’m employed and other areas of my self employed job as well (I have two jobs) and I’m worried this will have a detrimental effect on more than just my feelings. People believe her because she puts on a massive act crying etc in front of anyone who will listen. She even phoned up my friends and ex boyfriends to tell them I’m so nasty to her. Anyone that knew me she told these lies to. This is how I found out what she’s saying. I’ve had to cut so many people out my life to try to stem the gossip going back and forth to her about me and how my current life is as well. I’m sick of it now. My mum is 100% lying and I’d like to put a stop to it as it’s gone well beyond just hating her dd.

Is there anything I can do legally?!

OP posts:
WhatToDo1234567 · 20/09/2024 11:41

Oooufff I hope someone comes along with good advice soon, but I wanted to say this sounds terrible! 💐 Well done on breaking the cycle and going no contact.

Nobodywouldknow · 20/09/2024 11:42

You could report her to the police for harassment.
If she’s telling lies that are causing you financial harm you could use defamation law - slander (spoken) or libel (written) which is a civil action. The law is complex and there’s a cost implication though.
If you feel it will help you could ask a solicitor to write her a formal letter asking her to cease and desist her behaviour but again it would cost money.

Tittat50 · 20/09/2024 11:45

I agree that it has reached a level of potential financial harm. If there's any way you can evidence anything that would help. I'd absolutely go to the Police about feeling harassed.

You might find the narcissist mothers thread helpful. Also - but we took you to stately homes thread.

LettyToretto · 20/09/2024 11:45

Two options. I'm a solicitor.

  1. get a lawyer to send her a letter outlining action for slander. HOWEVER, a defence to slander is "honest opinion", so it's all fluffy. Besides, slander is a civil offence so your remedy is either a judge tells her to shut up and/or you get money.

  2. you only know what she's doing because arseholes tell you. Why? Do they like stirring the pot? Tell them it's hurtful and you don't want to hear it.

LettyToretto · 20/09/2024 11:46

To add, my point re her being ordered to pay you money is...does she even have any?

Do you want the stress? No. The cost of litigation? No.

Nobodywouldknow · 20/09/2024 11:48

Another option is to get an injunction under the Protection From Harassment Act 1997 if in England and Wales. Can include not talking about you to others. If she breaches that it’s a criminal offence.

Ribbonflower · 20/09/2024 12:01

Sorry to clarify I don’t want any money. I just want her to stop lying about me to anyone she can get to listen. Only a few people told me and they are good friends that brought it up one time, a family member also confirmed what she’s been saying. I don’t believe they are stirring the pot.

It’s a small town though and everyone knows everyone. I have no evidence that it has already affected me financially. I have ignored her now regardless but I don’t want it to get to a point where people don’t trust me after hearing what she’s saying (I work with dc so it’s especially sensitive for her to say what she is) my family mostly believe her because she is acting really well.

I heard she grabbed on to one person blubbering about how I’ve ruined her life, her own dd how could it come to this.

OP posts:
Nobodywouldknow · 20/09/2024 12:03

It sounds like the best thing is to totally ignore her and anyone around her. Disappear from their lives. Is moving somewhere else an option at all?

Hatty65 · 20/09/2024 12:22

Send her a solicitor's letter telling her to stop or you will take action for defamation of character.

It probably won't accomplish anything, but the next time anybody says anything to you then you take a deep sigh, shake your head and say, 'I know. She's had a solicitor's letter warning her to stop doing this and making up these lies. It's very sad. She's obviously mentally unstable'.

And then change the subject.

WeirdyWorldy · 20/09/2024 12:35

OP I know you've posted this in legal and I have no legal knowledge.

But I genuinely think that most, if not all, people will see right through her.

If the mother of a random friend contacted me to tell me how awful she is I would feel nothing but upmost sympathy for the friend having a mother like that.

Also if it's a small town and everyone knows everyone's business I guarantee most will know what your mum is like.

If I was wanting to use the services of someone self employed, say a hairdresser, and their mum badmouthed her to me. I'd give her short thrift! What kind of mother badmouths their child to strangers!

I know it must be awful feeling like everyone is talking about you, but I expect most would feel sympathy. And if they don't, they'll soon find out what she's like.

Finally I probably wouldn't care how someone who was doing work for me treated their mother as long as they did and good job for me!

Keep strong OP and be proud you've got out of her clutches.

Genuineweddingone · 20/09/2024 12:51

Unfortunately not as the damage will have already been done and even if you send a cease and desist letter it just means she can still get her flying monkeys to tell the lies on her behalf.

I am in the same boat OP> My mother has trashed my name to everyone she could, shes called my childs school and told them I am neglectful and an alcholic, told people I have been in rehav etc - none of it is true but shes believed. If you join the 'we took you to stately homes'threads you can get great advice but sadly you cannot stop her lying.

Orangesandlemons77 · 20/09/2024 12:53

I have similar experience. My mum has some mental health issues and she kind of has these delusions about me. That I am taking drugs, or someone is out to harm me.

At a student at university she would ring them and I came back to the police at my halls one time as they were concerned for my safety, wasn't allowed to go out for the weekend.

the University were quite good with counselling etc but not much they could do really.

After a load of other stuff, (it kind of got worse as I got older, she would find out workplaces etc and call them, even the GP) I did go NC and moved away, she doesn't do it as much now. She's elderly now and that does limit her movements as well so she can't just turn up for example

It's really hard, especially when you know it's probably mental health related, but she has never accepted any treatment. She was sectioned when I was a teen at uni and I was asked to come home and help her and I said no, I still feel bad about some of it but I had to save myself.

Yours sounds worse in a way because she's making up things that you have Dione to her, possibly as a kind of punishment for distancing yourself?

have you had any kind of counselling or therapy? that might be helpful. Something I try and remember is you can't help things which happen, you can only choose how you respond. Kind thoughts, it's really hard.

there's also a website online called Out of the FOG I found helpful.

Fnuppy · 20/09/2024 12:58

Im sorry you are going thru this...I know someone whose mum has been contacting her boyfriends and asking them for money every other month, pretending to be ill etc and has caused a havoc in her daughter's love life.
Attack is the best defence. Either you lawyer up but if thats too costly then you just have to cut off ppl who even mention her name in your presence..some people just love leeching off drama.

Singleandproud · 20/09/2024 12:58

If I were you and people were relaying information like that to me I would just say "Unfortunately I don't have a relationship with my mum, she has quite severe MH issues (she must do even if not diagnosed). You've known me long enough I'm sure my reputation precedes me and that you know those things not to be true" or something similar

prh47bridge · 20/09/2024 13:17

Contrary to an early post on this thread, you don't need to suffer a financial loss to take action for defamation. You simply need to show that you have suffered serious harm. It is only corporate bodies trading for profit that need to show a financial loss.

Getting a solicitor to write a letter telling her to stop or face action for defamation would not be too expensive and may have the desired effect. It would not mean you actually had to take legal action. If you did take it to court, whilst "honest opinion" is a defence that she could use for some of her allegations, that won't cut it for her allegations that you beat her up.

RedHelenB · 20/09/2024 13:20

Ignore. Obviously family and friends don't know you were abused so it's her word against yours.

Ribbonflower · 20/09/2024 13:23

im wondering if a letter from a solicitor will either deter her or drive her forwards to be more hurtful. I was looking more for something that shuts it down entirely but perhaps that is not an option as anything that is a halfway option could drive her to be worse.

It’s very frustrating but also I do worry because I work with dc, reputation is everything.
I have worked for a long time to ignore it and move forwards and also tell myself that if people believe her at least it’s one way of weeding out who is my friend.
sadly most of my family believe her. She has been saying bad things about me from the day I was born but this is on another level.

the advice about saying oh she’s mentally ill is good actually. I will say this if anyone tells me. It’s good to know some people will question what she’s saying I hope they do. I think moving away may also be the answer. Sigh!

OP posts:
Lovenandlight · 06/03/2026 12:15

Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this. I’m going through similar things with my Mother. Can I ask what you decided to do in the end about it?

Ribbonflower · 07/03/2026 01:51

@Lovenandlight I cut her off and moved far away. I cut everyone off that can ever get any gossip back to her. It was painful and I lost nearly everyone in my life but it’s been totally worth it. I undoubtedly caused others pain too as a result but I couldn’t go on through life that way any more and also wanted to protect my dc. I don’t regret any of it. I hope you find a way to deal with it all too.

OP posts:
Kimura · 07/03/2026 13:00

Ribbonflower · 20/09/2024 13:23

im wondering if a letter from a solicitor will either deter her or drive her forwards to be more hurtful. I was looking more for something that shuts it down entirely but perhaps that is not an option as anything that is a halfway option could drive her to be worse.

It’s very frustrating but also I do worry because I work with dc, reputation is everything.
I have worked for a long time to ignore it and move forwards and also tell myself that if people believe her at least it’s one way of weeding out who is my friend.
sadly most of my family believe her. She has been saying bad things about me from the day I was born but this is on another level.

the advice about saying oh she’s mentally ill is good actually. I will say this if anyone tells me. It’s good to know some people will question what she’s saying I hope they do. I think moving away may also be the answer. Sigh!

im wondering if a letter from a solicitor will either deter her or drive her forwards to be more hurtful. I was looking more for something that shuts it down entirely.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to 'shut this down entirely'. You can only attempt to deter it by seeking (or threatening to seek) redress.

A solicitor's letter might have the desired effect, but you know her best...is it likely to change a lifetime pattern of behavior? Or is it more likely to pour fuel on the fire and be used as 'proof' that you're out to make her life miserable?

It’s very frustrating but also I do worry because I work with dc, reputation is everything.

This is obviously much easier for me to say than for you to do, but you need to put your emotions to one side and treat this as an entirely separate issue.

If she's making false statements that have damaged, or clearly will damage, your professional reputation, this is a serious matter on its own merit, and you should take legal advice just as you would if it were anyone else.

You may have a claim for defamation. You can also report someone deliberately making false statements with the intention to cause serious harm to the police.

the advice about saying oh she’s mentally ill is good actually. I will say this if anyone tells me.

This is not necessarily good advice. Knowingly making false statements about someone's mental health in a way that could harm their reputation or cause them distress, is considered extremely serious defamation if proven.

Even if someone does have a mental health condition, sharing this private information without consent as a means of disparaging, discrediting or humiliating them could even qualify as a criminal offense, depending on the context and severity.

I cut her off and moved far away. I cut everyone off that can ever get any gossip back to her.

I'm a bit confused here. You say you've moved far away and cut everyone off, but you also say...

It’s a small town though and everyone knows everyone...I don’t want it to get to a point where people don’t trust me after hearing what she’s saying.

Are you still in the same town? That's not moving 'far away', especially as you say it's a small place with a tight community.

If someone doesn't care enough to get your side of the story before deciding not to trust you, then you don't need their trust. You'll never stop people gossiping or taking sides; if you can't come to terms with that then leaving is the only option.

If you have moved 'far away' then I'm not sure how you think she's going to turn people against you or impact your professional reputation, unless she's stalking you?

I heard she grabbed on to one person blubbering about how I’ve ruined her life, her own dd how could it come to this.

If you're still hearing stuff like this then either you haven't cut the necessary people off, or you're still choosing to actively engage with the gossip. If you don't want her in you're life, you need to be clear with friends and family that they're not to mention her around you under any circumstances. You need to enforce that rule, and stick to it yourself. You need to be willing to walk away from anyone who doesn't respect it, because if you're hearing things about her then she'll be hearing things about you.

bigboykitty · 07/03/2026 13:07

@Ribbonflower whether or not you decide to send a cease and desist letter, in your shoes I would give a heads up to your employer and business partners for your self employed work. Just a very brief 'I have no contact with my birth mother due to physical and other abuse in childhood. It's been brought to my attention that she has been making malicious accusations about me including in the workplace. I wanted to give you a heads up about this and assure you that there is absolutely no truth in these allegations.' I had to do this when my abusive ex was doing something similar. It was fine.

Kimura · 07/03/2026 14:38

bigboykitty · 07/03/2026 13:07

@Ribbonflower whether or not you decide to send a cease and desist letter, in your shoes I would give a heads up to your employer and business partners for your self employed work. Just a very brief 'I have no contact with my birth mother due to physical and other abuse in childhood. It's been brought to my attention that she has been making malicious accusations about me including in the workplace. I wanted to give you a heads up about this and assure you that there is absolutely no truth in these allegations.' I had to do this when my abusive ex was doing something similar. It was fine.

Agreed. Although given that OP appears to work with children, her employer may be required to refer certain allegations regardless. This is where being able to show a Letter Before Action, police reports etc could come in handy.

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