What do you do about contact while waiting for court judgment

[Borninabarn32]

Ex is quite frankly, fucking horrendous, I left becuase he was abusive to me and threatening to kill me. Regrettably I allowed more contact with DS than I should have because "if you try to take my son away I'll kill you." I'm no use to DS dead am I?

Obviously it has been a shit show since. He pours toxicity into DS constantly, honestly just screwing with a toddlers head in the hope it hurts me. He doesn't provide DS with basic necessities, like a bed.

So I've taken it to mediation, he has a week to engage or she gives me a letter to take him to court.

But in the meantime, what contact do I do? Do I keep giving him as much as he wants for fear of him doing something to DS if I don't, or refusing to return him. He wants him exactly half the time because we own him equally. Despite it meaning such an insane level of instability, the massive differences in home life, a house with rules and boundaries and bed times and meals sat at the dinner table vs a house where you hit and scream to get what you want, eat shit, go to bed when dad is tired with a baby bottle in his filthy bed. Two nurseries and being looked after by someone he barely knows while his dad works or going to work with his dad in unsafe environments sat in the vehicle or wondering round working sites.

The alternate is still spending fun time with dad, because DS has a right to know his dad, but 4 nights a fortnight rather than 7. One nursery, dad not working during that time, I'm a SAHP, he'll spend more time in a healthy routine. He'll be so much more stable and settled. Why can't his dad see that DS is so much more important than himself? If he was parenting properly I wouldn't have an issue, it's watching someone deliberately fuck up your kid just to punish you.

Do I stick to what I think is best and risk him refusing to return him or feeling like he's losing control and doing something to DS or I.

Do I stop all contact until the court has decided?

Frankly he is 100% the type of man that you would see in the news having killed us all and everyone would be like "he was such a devoted father, you'd never have thought he'd do something like this."

But without the evidence that he's threatened that it's just my word isn't it so legally I have no standing.

Apologies for the rant. The actual legal question is, what contact do you do while waiting for the court order?

He sounds absolutely vile and abusive. In the conditions you've described I wouldn't be sending a toddler there at all, wait and see what the court order comes up with first. And if you genuinely feel unsafe then you need to contact the police. I hope you already have if there have been death threats.

I'm sorry you're going through this it sounds horrendous.

Have you involved social services? It sounds like they definitely need to understand the position at the exes and may be able to provide advice on whether contact should cease immediately

Is he after 50/50 so that he doesn’t need to pay you maintenance? If so, could you agree not to request maintenance (yet) so that you can both focus on what is genuinely best for DS?

@mrsb53 the police have been involved once. Its really hard when you're conditioned to minimise their behaviours and blame yourself. "He wouldn't have done that if I hadn't asked him for..." was my mantra for so long. And he's never hit me, I feel like he's always known not to be stupid enough to give me evidence.

@Andwegoroundagain I've thought of reporting his living conditions to social services for so long. But frankly, I'm too scared, scared that I'm wrong and they won't see anything wrong, and that he'll retaliate. I'll be the psycho ex trying to stop him seeing his child reporting him to social services for nothing. And pushed him to do something terrible because he had no other choice.

@Harrumphhhh I think it's mostly that he has equal ownership and won't accept any less. Imagine owning a house and insisting on a 5050 split of the value. He is as entitled to benefit from DS as I am, why should I get more from DS than he does? I wouldn't claim money off him anyway, maybe reiterating that would help. Then he can feel like he's beating me in some way by not paying.

You absolutely need to get a Cafcass report or something before the contact order. This can not be "reporting him to social" but " getting professional advice on best way to split care"

I'll contact Cafcass aswell, thank you. I've got the ball rolling with mediation and court but it's so hard to know what to do in the meantime.

Who actually claimed they half owned your dc? A judge would frown apon that I imagine. If that phrase was used.. Nc until ordered imo. If he hasn't got a bed he won't get contact yet anyway..

This is how he talks, this is the constant argument. I have as much right to him as you. He's as much mine as yours. He's equally mine. I want, I want, I want. No amount of "stop thinking about your entitlement and your rights and please start thinking about your responsibility to him, think about his needs. Honestly he could be homeless and penniless, he wouldn't give up a second of what he thinks he's entitled to. He would have DS sat on the streets with him half his life.

I cannot begin to explain how scared I am of trying to stop contact and him retaliating. I feel like such a coward to be sending my DS to him through fear.

Keep ds with you.. Keep a diary of any calls /abuse - especially the precise words he uses.... Let his behaviour escalate from afar.. My exh's temper got the better of him in court.. Actually tried to reach out of the witness box and hit me. Security came. His facade had fallen at last. Stay strong op.

My XH believes he deserves half of everything including the kids too. What he cares about is his rights, not his responsibilities or his kids needs. It was all I deserve the kids 50% of the time, which my DD was terrified he'd get. I think that helped me stand up to him. Not that I managed much, I managed to tell him he wasn't getting that without going to court and he wasnt interested in spending money to fight me thankfully. First mediation session in the same room I left crying and shaking 3 times before I had to leave completely. The second session we did mediation as shuttle mediation so in different rooms so I didnt need to say any of it directly to him. We only had a couple weeks between him leaving and mediation as I'd booked it before splitting up and he was moving then just had the kids for one weekend. But I got legal advice and my lawyer approved backup plan was to pick them up from school if he tried to force 50/50.

He's an abusive arsehole but nothing like as bad as your XH. Although I feel terrified of interacting with him, of saying things he doesn't like, it's more that he'll destroy me mentally and emotionally, then a fear of physical injury, I can't imagine him going past the shoving and pushing or throwing objects at the walls that happened in the past. I absolutely wouldn't be doing 50/50 before court, otherwise that's what you'll end up with. You'll have no argument for saying he should get less then 50% if he's already getting it. It's a catch 22 though, like when I discussed picking up the kids if he tried to keep them longer and it's hard because some judges will expect you to act on those concerns and say you can't have had valid concerns if you didn't act and some won't be happy you've unilaterally taken the kids from him because you should wait for the court to decide. In my particular circumstances my lawyer did recommend those concerns be acted on. If you can afford even just a one off hour I'd see someone give them a run down of your situation and see what they recommend.