At the end of my tether with my ex.

[Sparklingwineandcheese]

I have posted before regarding the Passport/holiday issue. History of DV and ex just goes out of his way to be difficult. Currently is withholding the passport.

Some time ago I moved communication to email as a way of saving my mental health. Ex didn’t want to and immediately claimed his email was hacked and said I couldn’t email him. He has ignored requests to give me a new email but I imagine his old email works fine and it was just to be difficult.

So I moved onto signed for letters (which work really well for me and stop knee jerk responses)

I have now just had two letters sent from in the last couple of months returned with him having written “return to sender”. These were a letter from me regarding the passport issue and a further letter my Barrister wrote me over the same.

He has changed his phone number and has blocked me on it, but does not unblock me when he has our child so I am unable to communicate with him by phone at any point.

The only person he will communicate with is our DD who is nearly 9, via her phone. I have no way to speak to him at all, so if she is sick (for example) and isn’t going she has to message him, as I have zero way of contacting him. I do not believe this is right and he should not create a situation whereby an 8 year old literally has to be her mothers mouthpiece.

I am really opposed to going back to court (we have an Order but some discussion is needed around holidays) but this is becoming ridiculous.
It’s obstructive for the sake of it.

To clarify, I do not email/write often, I avoid all contact, but there are things that need discussing occasionally. I can now no longer get a letter delivered, so I’m a bit stuck what to do, or where I stand.

All signs are showing I’m going to end up going back to court, which I’ve tried and tried to avoid due to the money, but he just bloody keeps on and I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do.

I am not getting snappy at anyone, I am getting frustrated because most of what has been suggested I have done. I moved to email because WhatsApp was too knee jerk and he could bitch at me.
He immediately changed his email and won’t give it to me.
I move to signed letters, so he either accepts and ignores, or sends them back.
This includes the letter from my Solicitor addressing numerous issues.

Whatever I put in place, he gets around. I am not a victim, I fought through court for the Divorce and settlement and I fought through family court at the same time. I won both, so I am not sat crying over him.

But I am frustrated because when I left him I entered into a battle that I wasn’t aware of, and he does not get bored. Ignore the lateness? He just gets later and later and it impacts on everyone, ignore the passport (which I didn’t both myself and my solicitor have written to him) then let’s book a holiday abroad, going against explicit orders from the court, allow family members to message me on his behalf, withholding clothing she needed for her club, leaving jobs to avoid CSA, just endless. When Court was finished I thought I could breathe, but I couldn’t for one second.

Financially it destroyed me doing all this. And it’s really done no good anyway.

There is only just so much you can shrug off.

From what I have read, he is pulling your strings and you are responding. If he is late, tell him sorry too late, you can’t take her, and document.
Witholding clothing- get another pair to keep at your home. The money spent is done because you love your dd. You may well have to spend more, budget well and make cuts elsewhere. Dont allow yourself to be manipulated anymore.

He isn’t late to collect. He is deliberately hours late to return. Which causes huge problems, especially as I cannot contact him

Is there a stated time of return on court order? If yes, record the late drop offs. He is probably hoping you will not be there.

Document any attempts you make to reach him, whether through text, email, or other means when he is late. This documentation can be crucial if you need to escalate the situation legally.
Go back to court to modify court order with drop off and pick up times, so that in future he would be in violation of that order.
Have an emergency plan, if you are ever worried about her safety and you cannot get hold of dd or father then call the police.

Yep. Stated time of collection, stated time of drop off. All very clear. All ignored since day one.
This is what I’m trying to say, if it was just the lateness every single time, or it was just being unable to communicate, or just the passport or just the holiday it wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s all of them, all the time, week in, week out.

I put boundaries in place, so he finds a way to be difficult. Asking to correspond by email isn’t unusual, but as soon as I put it in place, he found a way to prevent that, whilst at the same time blocking me on his phone, despite screaming that he “wanted to WhatsApp” but because I set a boundary over communication he has stopped any communication. The only time I will hear from him is if he wants something, and I will refuse to discuss that until we have addressed the numerous issues I have written to him about. He will then say “whatever” and re block me.

I stick to the Order as much as I can, because if this goes back to court I don’t want the “you’re as bad as each other” which was said, even as they decided I was actually a vulnerable party in the proceedings and which is used as a way to avoid doing anything about anything.

OP. You cannot put your DD in the firing line to protect yourself from abuse. He is making you choose which one he abuses and you have chosen her.

Get a grip. Message him via her phone. Don’t make her parent herself at this age. You should be making/unmaking the arrangements and having the difficult conversations.

Also phone and email his work if you don’t have any other way of getting in touch.

“Hi Receptionist, this is Dick’s ex wife. Would you mind connecting me”.

“He’s not available? Can you let him know his daughter is sick and won’t be visiting the week”.

Abusers hate to be outed at work!

Evidence of him repeatedly not dropping off on time would help, such as a ring door bell. Gather evidence and take him to court for violation of the order.

Yes, this!

If you're making the passport an issue, he's won. There’s absolutely no reason why you need to holiday abroad. You say you are broke and cant take him back to court, so surely you can’t afford a holiday abroad for you and all your children? Just book somewhere in the UK.
He doesn’t have to tell you where they are when on holiday, just like you don't have to tell him, as hard as it may be. A court wont force him.
If you are trying to contact him when he’s late in returning your DD, you’re feeding his control. Just accept that her return will be at whatever time he chooses, say nothing, smile and say thanks when he drops her off. You need to take the power off him.
And start saving up to return to court.

I'm quite sure there will be blowback for this

But I wouldn't let her go again. And then when HE takes you to court you can then show that he has not complied with drop off times and you have no confidence since he ignores the order that he will drop her off again

Avoid Withholding Visitation: Not allowing your daughter to go with your ex as per the visitation schedule could massively backfire legally. It might be seen as a violation of the court order on your part, which could negatively affect your case for a very long time.

Can you ring the passport office and say you're not sure if your ex has lost the passport or not, but you have requested it but he isn't returning it, and see what they suggest you can do?

Ex does not work. He works cash, this is to avoid maintenance. There is no boss to message.

I do not let my daughter have the hard conversations, I have them, they are sent via letter and to the last email address I have. They are ignored. If I sent messages on her phone they would be ignored. The one time I tried when she next saw him he told her he would not accept things coming from me, he must hear them from her. I do not allow my daughter to be abused, that is a massive jump. He is 100% abusive to me and I have protected my children 100%, so believe that or not really.

I am not broke, but I would like to go abroad at some point, paid off monthly, which a Barrister will not allow me to do. Believe me, I have been to court many times, Barristers want paying up front. My Barrister is 3k for one full day hearing and I had to have 3. That’s a lot to save up just like that.

He does have to tell me where he is on holiday and he does have to supply details and he does need my written permission. It is clear in the Order he must do that, it’s not something I have made up

I have spoken to the Passport office, who have now put a caveat on, but will not cancel the passport, although they accept that by not providing the Order to them, showing RP is to have the passport and by lying over where it was he has done things wrong but they will not help.

I can’t contact him when he is late. I am blocked on everything.

I stick to the Order as much as I can, because if this goes back to court I don’t want the “you’re as bad as each other” which was said, even as they decided I was actually a vulnerable party in the proceedings and which is used as a way to avoid doing anything about anything.

Excellent, if that's the court's approach then I add to my advice -

Move as far away from him as possible. Refuse contact by the means of refusing to provide any method of him communicating with you, refusing to provide your new address/DD school/your workplace so he can collect DD. Ensure you're not on the public electoral roll. Close down social media accounts. Sever contact with any family or friends who might be threatened, coerced or persuaded to divulge your new phone number. Don't give any old friends or family your address. Don't leave anybody official or otherwise with a forwarding address when you move. Don't have your post redirected, just ensure you've changed everything to the new address ASAP, in advance of moving in if you can. Refuse to attend court therefore saving yourself thousands of pounds. Refuse to comply with any court ordered access or anything else, safe in the knowledge that they will do nothing. Keep saving, because you may have to repeat the process several times if he somehow manages to find you.

So many women seem to take this approach anyway out of malice, they do often seem to get away with it.

You don't have long to wait before DD can express an opinion of not wanting to see him again. Assuming that is how she feels. If she doesn't feel that way, that's harder for you and means a longer wait until you're free of him.

Good luck OP

Very valid point from @Snowflake2 .

Firstly next time he is late dropping her off call the police and keep calling them every time he is late, that way you have a log. Explain there's a court order, you have no idea where she is and are worried he isn't going to return her.

Take it back to court. I know how it is with these men and also with a court system that does not penalise anybody for bad behaviour or not following orders but personally I would just keep taking it back to court.

Contact We Are Advocat, perhaps you can get help there weareadvocate.org.uk/

Unless you've been through family court it's impossible to explain how expensive, stressful and ultimately fruitless it is. And because it's all civil law, there is little the police can do. You're getting a hard time from people who may not have been through it.

The best advice I can give is to greyrock him. Take away the power of the fight by not fighting him. Are you at home when she's due to be dropped off? Have a few hours as dedicated home time, so if she doesn't come back on time it doesn't impact you. If it stops bothering you, chances are he'll stop doing it.

5 years is a long time, as her friends start to talk about fancy summer holidays she'll start to ask why she doesn't have them. Just say "oh Dad needs to give your passport back"
Don't engage anymore than that but don't cover for him either.

Have you been in contact with her school to ask for support for her. I would tell them how he is emotionally abusing her such as making her the messenger, refusing to allow you to take her on holiday etc.

Independent support for her will help if you go back to court.

I would move to using a court approved app and actually take the phone off DD. If that means she doesn't want to go then you will have to let him take you back to court.

cirrently my DD is on holiday and I have no idea where

if he is using the passport then he can’t give you it, hopefully he will give you the passport once they are back from holiday.

You are getting snippy, we don’t know the background, some people are giving suggestions based on the info you’ve given, so getting frustrated at those who’ve you’ve asked for advice for is frankly RUDE!

I’ m not sure what your expectations are from this thread as it’s clear you need to seek independent legal advise.

The phone needs to get lost, stolen or broken. The school needs to be up to speed with everything and maybe look into some counselling via the school for your dd so that an independent qualified person can monitor her psychological health.

@Sparklingwineandcheese
It seems like you might be seeking advice, but you are not responding well to those who are not immediately validating your views.

Bringing up the passport issue now, especially while he's on holiday, could escalate the situation and give him leverage against you. If he's violating the court order, your best course of action is to return to court. He might argue that he's late dropping her off because your daughter wants more time with him or that he has trouble getting her into the car. These claims, while possibly untrue, could seem plausible, and family courts are familiar with such scenarios. It's crucial to seek legal advice.

Consider planning holidays within the UK, focusing on saving money, and carefully reviewing your finances. It's likely you'll need the court to establish and adjust boundaries multiple times in the years to come. I knew someone who faced several family court battles and couldn't afford a barrister because her funds were exhausted. He took her to court many times, he eventually secured 50/50 custody. Although she claimed she couldn't afford legal representation, she was spending on private school fees, holidays abroad, and a 4x4 vehicle. Now, it is seemingly impossible to regain primary custody.

You have no choice, stop trying to make contact with him. Go through a solicitor.