Discharging contact order family court?

[yosemite78]

My ex was awarded contact with our son five years ago. It wasn’t too specific, other than fortnightly contact which was supposed to build up to longer, such as weekend etc. This has never happened and my ex has never put more than 3 or 4 hours in to it and sometimes puts work before contact which means he will go 6 weeks without seeing our son. Our son is 11 and isn’t bothered about seeing him anymore as he puts no effort into building a relationship and I think it’s gone past the point of that ever happening, for now at least. Ex doesn’t take financial responsibility either and pays £18 per week in child maintenance (company director so claims poverty!). The point is, he uses the court order to control me when it suits him and I’m tired of it. It’s a joke as he doesn’t really want contact. Never has our son any extra during school holidays, Christmas birthday etc. Could I take it back to court and ask for the order to be discharged? I don’t want to stop the little contact there is but our son has a mobile phone and they could arrange contact themselves If that’s what he wanted. I just want to be removed from the equation so it’s one less thing ex controls. Any advice would be appreciated.

I doubt a judge would /could enforce him to have contact.

At 11 he won't order your ds to bother with such a man.. Ds went nc with exh at 12. He had more than 50/50 court ordered too.

@Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening oh gosh. Did your ex take it back to court or not bother? Thanks for replying x

Depends what outcome you want, and what you want your ex to do.

I assume that the CO dictates that the DC must be available for contact in X pattern.

At 11yo, your DC is just on the edge of being allowed to decide whether or not to go.

A court CANNOT force your ex to see the DC according to the schedule. It's spectacularly shit, I know (got the T-shirt myself).

If you say that dc is available at x time on x date and he doesn't turn up, document it. Do everything by text so you have a trail. After a few months of this, coupled with DC not wanting to go, I reckon you'd be ok to say actually DC doesn't want to come this week.

If your ex does go back to court he will look a complete dick for trying to enforce the CO after not taking up contact that was offered. In a couple of years the CO will be irrelevant as your DC will vote with their feet and will not be forced to see their dad.

Then try and disengage. He has the control because you let him. Take back that control, evidence his not sticking to the CO IN WRITING/EMAIL/TEXT. He'll be laughed at in court.

Contact and parental responsibility are different things. You would need to remove his PR to stop him messing with you and without really nasty abuse family court won't do that.

It's shit. I sympathise

I didn't even get a text message off ex never mind a solicitor3tywr.. . Ds had to move school.. He took a letter to his df and he signed it. Absolutely shocked...

@BloodyAdultDC Thanks. I just hate the fact the contact order threatens me with either a fine or imprisonment if I breach it and don’t t encourage contact but he has made no effort whatsoever over the last few years to build a meaningful relationship with our child. Ex uses this to intimidate me when our son doesn’t want to go because he makes no effort and has minimal contact. I’d just like the chance to say to the judge, “told you it was all about control” and nothing else but I know that’s not realistic. Thanks for the advice x

@Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening Makes you wonder why they bother with court in the first place! It’s a shame as I would love for my son to have a decent father.

I actually think it's better for your ds to grow up knowing the reality of his df's ability to be one.. Exh papered over the abuse he inflicted on our young dc with tech and money when they hit teen years... He died in recent years and they sport fucking huge DAD tattoos. As if the absolute bastard was a fucking saint.. I actually had to leave the room and vomit when I saw them.

I kept a diary for 12 months of all the times ex didn't bother with contact, the length of time between calls or texts and the times our girls called or messaged him and got no reply. Then I went back to court and asked for the order to be changed or removed.

@Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening jeez, that’s sucks. You did well not to vomit by the sounds of it!

@ARichtGoodDram Thanks. We’re you successful in court? I know these judges and cafcass workers want to promote contact at all costs.

You need to play him at his own game and disengage at the same time.

Send him a text on, say, Thursday, to say as per the CO ds will be available for contact on Sat at 10am, will he be seeing him. (Might need to encourage ds to go along with it for 2 months or so). If he doesn't respond, or doesn't show up, text him back confirming that as he cancelled the scheduled visit you will see him in 2 weeks (or whatever). Don't engage with any backwards and forwards crap.

After a couple of months of being messed about you (and ds, more importantly) will have evidence to show that HE isn't sticking to the CO - if ds doesn't want to go message to say that despite your best efforts DS has decided that due to previous x no. of weeks being let down he doesn't want to come. Please let me know when he (ex) would like to see ds in future and I will try to facilitate.

By taking back the control you will begin to feel more empowered, and giving ds a voice and a choice.

Then tell him to take you to court. They won't enforce it if you can evidence that you have rock-solid proof that over a period of x weeks you have encouraged contact but ex has refused.

If you speak to him in person you need to switch to text or email only, send him a message today that you will only communicate by text/email in future (so that you can build up this audit trail).

My ex tried this stunt many times, even refusing permission for me to take the kids on holiday despite only seeing them a few times a year. I took HIM to court for that and he piped down after that. Your ds is 11 and will very soon be able to vote with his feet - doing the above will support him in making those choices whilst still keeping the door open.

Yes I was. The order was changed to say that I had to allow reasonable access and he had to give reasonable notice.

No idea what would have been considered reasonable as he never bothered anyway

Girls are adults now and remember the sitting around on his weekends waiting and the relief when we didn't have to do that anymore