Ex wants 50:50 shared care - mediation?

[stepkids123]

My Wife's ex-husband currently has their children 5 nights per fortnight, which is the terms of a Court Order made in 2022. He is now asking to change to shared care (50:50), claiming it is because the children want it. The latter may be true because he makes their time with him as alluring as possible from a child's perspective (i.e. negligible rules and boundaries). Kids are now 12 (girl) and nearly 14 (boy).

Their father is a total Narcissist with a long history of everything having to be on his terms. And he has also always done all he can to minimise what he pays towards his old children. He has cleverly manipulated a laughable Child Maintenance sum but would very happily pay zero if he could, whilst lauding himself as the world's most devoted father! Wife went sniffing with the CMS to try and get more out of him and it's clear he's been clever manipulating income, pension contributions, etc. to stay under the thresholds where the CMS start to give a damn (what a joke that system is! 😡).

ANYWAY, sure as eggs is eggs his main motivation in wanting 50:50 is so that he doesn't have to pay any CM, leaving my wife (us) with most if not all of the costs of raising their children. And not just the costs - she'll do almost all the practical stuff too... he'll just occasionally cherry-pick the fun parts of being a dad.

SO, he is proposing they attend Mediation over the shared care issue and wants my Wife to cover some of the cost even though she is perfectly content with the current arrangement/Order and believes it is working well (it is also likely that he has only suggested mediation as a first step on advice from his Solicitor - i.e. so he can say he attempted that approach... but the reality is that he never compromises so everything always ends up in Court!).

Q1. If he's the one who wants the mediation then isn't it reasonable that he should cover all the costs? (he's very likely only suggesting this because he knows

Q2. If (through mediation or the Court) things seem to be headed towards him getting 50:50 shared care, then is there anything that my wife can argue to have included - e.g. some form of legally binding schedule of responsibilities (including financial) that he must adhere to as a condition of going 50:50?

Thanks!

I've read only like the first paragraph. Kids are 12 and 14. They can choose. No need to spend money on courts. They vote with their feet. If they decided to move in with ex full time tomorrow you couldn't stop them.

1. No. she pays half of mediation.
2. It's reasonable if there is to be an agreement for the finances to be agreed on how they jointly share costs going forward.

It's not unreasonable for him to want them half the time. It is unreasonable for her to accuse him of being financially motivated. The same accusation could equally be levelled at her for wanting to maintain the unequal split.

They are both equal parents. He has the perfectly reasonable right to request 50/50. If your wife wants to object to that and has concerns about money then mediation, with the costs covered by both of them, is also reasonable. Drafting an agreement about how the children’s costs are to be shared afterwards is also reasonable, and will be enforceable if drafted correctly.

Aside from that, the children clearly have a good relationship with their dad. If you give off even half the attitude towards him that you’re showing on this thread to them, I’m not surprised they’d want to minimise time in your household and maximise it in his. It’s a horrible position to put children in, to feel awkward about loving one of their parents because their other parent and step-parent hate their guts.

By the time it’s gone through court (2 years), the kids would be old enough that the court wouldn’t bother making an order and the whole thing would be pointless. The family court aren’t interested in finances either, you need to avoid that subject and just argue that with CMS.

What do the kids want? If they want to see their dad 50/50 and he’s not a safeguarding risk then they shouldn’t be prevented from doing so. Child maintenance shouldn’t be a reason to stop kids seeing their dad.

If he has them 50/50 then he’ll find himself doing a fair bit more of the daily grind eg the before and after school, or looking after them when ill. If your wife does mediation then perhaps she can argue that if it’s to be 50/50 then he should be doing everything that falls on his time and not expecting her to pick up the pieces. I’d be tempted to tell him to pay for mediation though, since the threat of court is an empty one.

You say it “may be true” that the kids want it to be 50:50 - has your wife asked them?

At 12 and 14 the children's opinion holds weight here.

It's up to you and your wife not to pick up the slack in a 50:50 arrangement. Though I would probably say he can pay for mediation if he wants it.

Oh my - how off target you are! If you'd lived through what we have you'd give off some attitude too! FACTS: We have been just trying to live our lives peacefully in a "live and let live" way... not ever bad-mouthing him to the kids and so on and totally supporting the kids' relationship with him. In contrast he has spent years weaponising his own kids against us, badmouthing us, telling the kids they can ignore our household rules, and so on. All this noted by Cafcass when they spoke to the kids in 2022, who went on to state that he is the number one cause of the conflict and kids being unsettled in our home.

What happened 2 years ago is irrelevant now. The kids wishes would definitely be heard if the case were to go to Court. They can ask to speak to the judge themselves.

Mediation is only worthwhile if both parties are willing to listen and discuss various options. The mediator will not tell them what they should do. The mediator should offer Child Inclusive Mediation that would allow them to express their view away from both parents.

They should be able to apply to a voucher worth a combined £500 towards joint mediation. That if they haven't used it before already.

I think when someone isn’t doing their share mediation is a great way to sort something out.

I would suggest your wife says something along the lines of. I’m more than happy to attend mediation and move to residency and financial solution which is more equal. We’ve had quite a lot of expenses with the kids recently (name them), do maybe you can cover the mediation costs.

make sure exact times, finances, holidays etc are covered in the mediation. Not just over nights.