Seeking advice on relocation

[Socksnsandals]

Hello, I am looking for some advice. I posted a while ago about my relationship with my ex partner which I ended at the end of January. We have a 2 Year old child and the shit began to hit the Fan soon after she was born. Relationship was emotionally abusive, issues with his drug use (weed) and lying about this. The abuse was the worst towards the end, with suicidal threats (when he didn’t get his own way) a lot of gaslighting and passive aggressive throwing things / door slamming. He’d then go out for pints with friends after these episodes as happy as Larry. I’m not a qualified psychologist by any means, but have done alot of reading and, based on his behaviour , I suspect he is a text book narc. It took a long time and a lot of strength to get the the point of leaving. I don’t have much support here (I’m from over seas) and didn’t have anywhere to go. I am now renting a place on my own and can barely make ends meets. I am also working full time. My child is with me the majority of the time. My mental health has been really challenged from leaving the relationship where I was in fight or flight for so long. Now in therapy through GP and I’m hoping it help me gain some clarity and confidence.

i am posting here because I have realised I would really , really like to raise my child in my home country (Ireland.) I have support there, it would be much cheaper to live and I feel like I could recover with the support of my family and friends around Me. We had never planned to raise the child where I currently am (large expensive city in England.) but the ex has work ties here. I was only here for him and never wanted to stay.

i know I’m not in a great headspace atm and maybe am not seeing sense. Can people please advise on if this decision seems reasonable and if so how would I go about it. Ex is aware of my feelings but at the moment communication is not good so we haven’t had a chance to discuss. He has not got a new partner yet but has a track record of never being single so I know he’ll move on as soon as he can.) I know that will change things. I am posting to ask for some practical guidance on how to approach this issue, and whether it’s likely I could take my child home to raise her elsewhere. I have read similar posts around wanting to relocate and the general vibe seems to be courts want the kid and dad to have a relationship understandably. I am not sure of whether the ex is capable of this and have real concerns about his ability to emotionally connect with her when they are together. (He used to spend most of his time with her on the phone.)

I would really appreciate some thoughts , guidance and advice. Thank you for reading. This is very hard right now , but i know things will get easier.

You will need his agreement to relocate. He can apply for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent you from moving with the child. To counter it, you would need to demonstrate that contact with him is not in her best interests - and psychobabble about him being a “narc” isn’t going to cut it, it would need to be consistent documented assessments of his inability to parent adequately. It’s very unlikely you’d succeed based on just what you’ve posted.

Your best option is to get his agreement through mediation with him on how you would support and maintain his relationship with his child whilst living such a distance away. Set out how often you would return to the U.K. with her and how the travel distance and costs would be covered.

Do you have any evidence of his domestic abuse or drug use? Without evidence the courts will assume it's your word against his and dismiss it unfortunately. You can discuss it with him, and if he doesn't agree you can apply to court. Nobody here can tell you how likely you are to win.

Thank you so much for your reply. In the last 5 months of us living together, he was so abusive and manipulative I started to record all of our conversations. This was to stop me rising to the bait and be the ‘observer’ and also to just generally reassure that I wasn’t going mad. I have about 60 conservations recorded. One where I ask about the drug use and he tells me it’s ‘none of your business what I do.’ I also have recordings of him insinuating I’m off with other men sleeping round , something he accused me of several times a day (which I believe is connected to weed / paranoia.)

He doesn’t know I was making any recordings. He would be absolutely livid if he knew. Now that we’re living apart I am not sure if he’s still smoking weed, I want to know because he has the child 2 days and nights a week but asking him would be an unbelievable amount of agro. It’s a mess of a situation tbh. thank you again.

Thank you for your reply @ComtesseDeSpair confirms what I have been reading regarding the prohibitive steps order. I haven’t taken any steps towards moving at all - but he is aware of my feelings on it. He is off for two weeks soon (travels regularly for work, another motivation to move towards support) but when he is back I will try and discuss arrangements with him face to face and see where he stands. It may have shifted. Would consider mediation if we can’t get anywhere face to face.